Calling All Boys (Queen)

Internal Turmoil.

Brian's P.O.V.

I awoke early from the rationed couple of hours sleep my mind had graciously given to me last night...most of the early hours were spent staring up at the ceiling with a throbbing ear, a slightly swelled cheekbone and one question lingering on my mind.

Where did it all go wrong?

I longed to be back in America with Freddie...

Often did I dream of him.
Some dreams were pleasant, it was obvious the happy memories still liked to play on my mind more than I would like to admit to, they came to life in my sleep...

There was always one that recurred, I would say every other night...it was reminiscent of our first ever date, where I had arranged to meet him at The Ritz to spoil him as he should have been.

He sat across the table from me, swilling a glass of champagne, looking handsome as ever in his tuxedo and that dazzling smile...and then the date ends all too quickly...but instead of us returning home together, all smiles...at the end of the meal, he stands up from the table...his gorgeous grin turning into an evil scowl where he suddenly grabs a napkin off the table and screws it up in his hands... "I hate you," he spits, throwing the napkin, and right before it hits my face...I wake up.

Yes. My mind might still be full of the glorious memories...but they were now tainted and poisoned with darkness.

My guilty conscience making up the sour endings of my dreams for me...

It was early, I could tell that from the dawn morning light seeping in through my curtains, I didn't know the time exactly, I was too scared to move, terrified of disturbing Alison and having to deal with one of her episodes...again.

It was moments like these, where I felt so desperately lonely did I wish that, at least, myself and Freddie were on proper talking terms. The way we were before we were in a relationship...sure, those times came with some arguments too but I wouldn't care...I just want to be able to go and sit in his room with him and chat about random shit and still smile and laugh together...

Of course, a larger part of me wishes that we were still in a relationship.

But to just be able to chat to Freddie would fill me with so much joy...I miss hearing his voice...hearing about his day...listening to his funny stories and outrageous tales...

But of course...he wasn't even here. Even is he was, he wouldn't want to speak to me anyways.

I glanced over at a still, sleeping Alison.

My wife.
Wow.
Wife.

Oh god.

You're not gay, Brian.
Her words rang in my head...they hurt...they stung...

Yes.
I am.
I am gay, Alison.

But...she knows that. She knows about what me and Freddie had...she knows just how fucking in love with him I was.

Jealousy is an evil trait.

Especially when she has other people, powerful people, on her side.

I battled with myself for so long before letting me be okay with myself. Okay with liking other men...okay with saying that I was indeed, gay.

Even back then when Rog and Deaks caught me out when I had just started dating Charlie, I still struggled with my identity. I mean sure, I was with a man, I was finally exploring that side of me but when someone I didn't know too well asked me about it, I would shrug it off, avoid answering them...I was still embarrassed.