Violets Are Blue

Chapter 19: Abigail

I was looking at my husband’s car. His red camaro broken in two. I looked at Violet and she looked at me. I could tell she was seeing if I was ok, as was I. She walked up to what used to be the front part of the car and I walked to the back of the car. The junkyard owner asked if we could find anything they may have not found. I bent over to look around the back seat.  I saw an empty whiskey bottle. It was surrounded by bent and burned medal, It was barely seeable but I could clearly tell what it was. I stuffed the bottle more into the wreckage so it could be destroyed along with the car, another thing taken to the grave.
I turned around towards Violet. Her face showed that she didn’t find anything at all, I was thankful there wasn't another empty whiskey bottle.  We walked back to the junkyard manager and told him we found nothing.
“Why did you bring us here?” Violet asked, “If you couldn’t find anything, we sure as hell couldn’t, the car is practically nothing.”
The man’s hands were shaky, I too wondered now. I wouldn’t even have noticed if Violet never said anything.
“Well that’s not all,” he said, “As you know the track right beside our yard we also manage and inspect, and we have cameras set up on the tracks. There’s something you gotta see.”
Violet and I followed him into his rather messy office. He took us to a corner where the TVs were mounted on the walls. He grabbed a remote and showed us a recording on one of the screens. I knew what this was. It was how Marcus died. It was how he committed suicide.
I watched as the bells rang and the lights flickered.  HIs car came into view. He drove around the gates and parked.
I refused to look at Violet, but I did. She was really into the video, and was sweating. She jumped and yelped as Marcus’ car was hit. She began to cry so I went and hugged her. She started to cry on my shoulders. While the video was something I expected I couldn’t hide my emotions. I was shocked but not surprised. I already knew this. I didn’t even cry. Violet looked at me. I knew she read me.
“You knew?” she asked.
I couldn’t hide it from her, “Yes.” I simply said.
As soon as I said those words I was pushed to the ground. She had pushed me by my shoulders but I clenched my stomach in case I needed to protect my baby.
“You knew my father was suicidal, you knew he killed himself!” she screamed, from the top of her lungs.
I stood up and said, “No, I only found out after he died, I just didn’t want to tell you because I took your feelings into consideration.”
“You amoral bitch!” Violet, violently replied, “ He’s my father, I deserve to know everything that happened!”
she walked away, my guess to walk home. “you deserve every bad thing that you got coming to you, that day will come, and I hope I’m near you when it does you white bitch.”
I sighed. I breathed in and out. It hurt she was quoting her mother to me.
“Do you want me to make a copy?” the junkyard owner asked. Clearly not noticing the social cue to leave me alone.
“No.” I simply said and was on my way.
I bought pizza during my drive home. I also stopped by the store to pick up some chocolate, which I devoured once I entered the car. my nerves were calm as I finished the last chocolate bar.
Once home I made a plate for Violet, I didn’t know if she was home or not so I put it in front of her door. If she wasn’t home she would be home soon.
Once in my room I sat at the foot of the bed and started to sob. I wasn’t crying from the video, I was crying for Violet. I have no idea what to do for her. I’ve done everything I can, but things have only gotten worse. Im close to giving up, I just can’t handle her anymore.
What about my baby? How could he live when his only sister hates him all because I’m the mother?
I’m tired. I can’t deal with it but I remembered something I was told. You have to stand your ground and demand respect, and only then will you be respected.
I called it a night. I needed to sleep early, I had another check up in the morning. Within seconds I was fast asleep.
I heard a crash in the middle of the night. I jumped up thinking someone was robbing us again. It sounded like a plate. I knew it had to be Violet.
“I don’t want anymore of you food!” I heard her yell. I heard her room door slam.
I laid my head back down and tried my best to fall asleep, not wanting to deal with her. Eventually I did.
I awoke in the morning and put on a nice  green dress I bought a couple of days ago. It was very elastic and loose fitting; I also bought matching slip on shoes. I did my hair in a nice ponytail. This was the first time I looked good since I found out about the baby.
I walked down the stairs and saw the broken glass and pizza. I maneuvered around it all on the way out the door.
Once at the doctor I had my check up.
“Your baby’s fine, Mrs. Jefferson.” The doctor said.
“That’s good to here.” I said.
“But,” I froze. I know it’s gonna be about  my stress, I’ve been trying my best to keep it down. “Your stress levels are high. If you don’t change, your baby will have a birth defect. At this point it is very critical, you must end it now, even if it means you have to completely change your life.”
“I know doctor, I know.” I said as I began to tear up. He rubbed my shoulder for support. He told me that he wants me to seriously work on it and expects a change by my next check up.
After the check up, I decided to go to the one place I haven’t been to since Marcus’ funeral. His grave. I needed to talk to him about everything that’s been happening. He’s in fact the only person I can comfortably talk to right now, even if he doesn’t hear me.
Once there I saw violets in front of his tombstone. Violet has been here. I really hope that we could visit it together someday.
I sat down near his plot and leaned my back and head on it. “I’m pregnant,” I said, “It’s a boy. I know you would have wanted a boy, every man does. I know you would have made a great father, and I hope that Violet would make a great sister. I hope. Oh god I really hope.”
I felt my throat starting to swell, “We’ve been fighting a lot, your daughter and I. I try to get to her, but she pushes me away. I didn’t tell her that you committed suicide after I found out. She found out anyway. I figured I should have just told her, maybe she wouldn’t have freaked out so bad, not to mention that our relationship started to get better after I dropped the charges off of Rose, now that’s been ruined.”
I began to recollect all of our memories together. He was there for me when I needed him, despite his works. He tried to be there for Violet. I take that back, I don't think he even tried. He would stay at work to avoid his problems and when that didn't help he stayed out getting drunk. Did he ever try?
I took out a piece of chocolate and began to eat it. “You know,” I said between bites. “The one time I really need you, and you’re not here. The worst part is that even if you’re not here now, you won't be here later.” I began to cry harder.
“Why did you have to be such a fucking quitter? Huh? Why couldn’t you just talk to me, or even Violet? Why didn’t you let us help you. You say you tried to fight it, but you have to know you weren’t: you were avoiding it. God dammit, you were avoiding it.”
I threw the chocolate at his grave.
“And I had to find out through a damn journal! You trusted empty pages rather than your own wife! What am I gonna do about our baby! your daughter!”
I broke down. I was at my limit. Violet. I have to tell her, I have to find away. Maybe if I tell her she’ll have a change of heart. Maybe. I couldn’t help but blame Marcus for all of this. If only he was here.
“Baby please. Comeback, I need you, I need you. You were my only way to get to Violet, with you gone there’s nothing. I can’t go on without you. I need you to hold me and tell me everything’s ok. please! please!”
I sighed. I felt like an idiot for talking to a piece of stone but it was the only thing I can do at this point. OK maybe it wasn’t the only thing, but the only thing I can do to help myself.
“Marcus I just want you to know that I tried everything. Everything I can think of except one. Show her the damn journal. I get it you want her to keep a strong relationship with her mother, but it’s destroying me. It going to eventually destroy your child. I still don’t think I can show her the book because I never knew anything about Violet like you did. I don’t know what’s best for her. You do. As much as I believe that, I think you really didn't know anything about Violet too. I know she’s your daughter but I was the one who made sure she ate, and went to school, if anything I should know her, but I feel like I don’t.”
I stood up and dusted the dirt off my dress. I looked at the sky. I know Marcus is looking down on me but he hasn't sent me any type of sign that he can hear me. I felt like he’s ignoring me, like he’s still avoiding his problems. I’m one to talk, I’m trying to put all of my problems onto him. I stayed at the cemetery for a few more hours and just sat there on his grave thinking about everything.
I arrived home late. I didn’t feel like cooking so I bought myself food on the way and ate it in the car. I know Violet could make food for herself. Once in my home I again had to maneuver myself around the shattered glass and pizza. I saw Violet sitting in the living room looking at TV. She saw me too.
“What the hell are you doing here?” Violet said.
I ignored her. I couldn’t talk to her at the moment. I had so much emotions towards her. Not anger but sorrow, hopelessness, and even pity. I felt so bad that she turned out like this. I couldn’t hate her, I had to hate her upbringing. I had to remind myself that. I can’t hate her, I can’t hate her. In Reality I love her just as much as I loved Marcus, maybe even more. She is my child. Maybe not by blood, but by my love.
I walked up the stairs and was on my way.
“Fine don’t say anything, you fat bitch!” Violet yelled.
I dressed in my nightgown and looked at myself in the mirror. My belly was clearly sticking out. I was showing. I started to see oncoming stretch marks. Maybe Violet’s anger towards me is clouding her perception of me, maybe she’s just in denial that it’s possible I could be pregnant. What if she says that Marcus can’t be the father?
I sat in my bed and decided that I accept the way things are. I understand that Violet is like this to me because it's not just Marcus’ and Rose’s fault, but mine as well. I have as much blame in me as those two, but I accept that. I won’t be like her parents and permanently accept it though. I will do something about this, even if it means it will completely change my life like the doctor said.