Violets Are Blue

Chapter 14: Violet

I was up earlier than usual this saturday. I was going to see my mother after a week passed. I wore a white shirt, blue jean pants, and black sandals, with my hair tied into a ponytail, keeping my style simple. I didn’t have to worry about Abigail this time as she was already gone. Lately she’s been going somewhere early in the morning. She wears sports clothes when she leaves, my guess is that she finally noticed her belly and heads toward the gym now.
Once I made it to the clinic I was greeted by Lily who was standing by the doors as if she was waiting for me. She wore a yellow shirt, black jean pants, and matching yellow sandals. Her hair was tied into a messy bun. Her face looked more tired than before but her eyes made it seem she was wide awake. I wondered if her strange appearance was due to helping my mother.
“Hi, Lily.” I said with a smile.
“Hey, Violet, it's so nice to see you again.” she replied.
We hugged each other. I know it was weird to be this close to someone you've known for less than a month, but she’s helping my mother better herself, as far as I’m concerned she’s family. Someone I hope to know for a long time.
“How is my mother? Can I go see her?” I asked.
Lily lightly fidgeted her hands, as if she were hiding something.
“Actually no you can’t.”
“Why not?” I replied.
Lily smiled, “She’s at a company activity with other recovering addicts at another Harold and Co. clinic outside of town, she wants her recovery to be a surprise for you. She wants you to see her when she’s done with rehab.”
I teared up a bit. Lily was waiting for my response. I wiped a tear from my eyes, “OK.” I said.
“OK?!” She exclaimed.
“Yeah, OK. I’ll wait,”. We hugged again.
“Hey if you’re not busy would you like to go grab something to eat, it’s on me.”
“I would love that.” Lily replied.
We went to a coffee shop near the rehab clinic.The coffee shop was nice. Inside was filled with dark brown chairs and tables, with dark green lounging areas, and outside tables and chairs made of a bright green plastic.  Lily said hello to every worker there. She was a regular here.
“I see you’ve been here a lot.” I said.
“Yeah, I like coming here, it's so close to the rehab clinic, and they make great coffee.”
We ordered our coffees and sat outside. The weather was nice today. It was cold but not cold enough to where you need a jacket, with a great enough breeze. I’m glad I did this with Lily.
“So how has my mother been? How’s her recovery so far?”
Lily paused for a minute, “She’s been fine,” she finally said. “So far she hasn’t had an ounce of drugs since she joined. She of course has been going through the motions; her drug use was pretty severe. There is no telling how much more time she has to stay in.”
Lily saw the darkness in my face. She knew this was hurting me just as much it's hurting my mother as we speak. I couldn’t help it. I hated that my mother was going through this, even though I know how necessary it all is, and how it can’t be helped.
“She will make a full recovery.” Lily said.
I was relieved to hear that. I wondered why she decided to be my mother’s coach in the first place. Of course I asked her but she could have chosen not to. I asked.
“Why did you help my mother? Was it because you knew me? Because I asked? Or was it because of your job?”
Lily smiled. “It’s because she’s a mother, not to mention she was a broken soul, as Emily Dickinson once said, ‘if I can stop one heart from breaking, my life will not be in vain’.”
I smiled, I also felt bad for asking. I knew her story. How she lost the baby.
“Mind if I tell you the rest of my story?” Lily asked.
I was shocked that there was more to it. “Please do.” I said.
she took a sip of her coffee and began to tell me.
“As you know I lost the baby, but I didn’t want to elaborate on how. You see when I overdosed, the baby died. I was legally dead for a minute, and somehow it was just enough to kill the baby. What I didn’t tell you is that I actually didn’t stop using drugs. Yes I got clean but I was hooked back on due to my own incompetence. I thought since I was done fighting it I didn’t have to worry about losing myself when I’m near it. I didn’t realize that the urges always stay with you even after you’re clean. It’s not so much as  a craving but more of I was missing the feelings it gave me. Because of that I relapsed and began my old habits. Of course I felt like crap. I was back on drugs, knowing full well what it was doing to me. The more I remembered where I was the more I wanted to use and abuse. You see drugs were both my downfall and my comfort. Drugs caused me to do horrible things, but drugs also helped me escape it.”
“So it was pointless,” I said. “You were running into the arms of the very thing that caused you all of your problems, because it comforted you, while it destroyed you at the same time.”
“Exactly, and once again my habits of how I got my next fix finally caught up to me again. I found out that I might have been pregnant again.”
There was a silence just like the last time she told me she was pregnant. I was curious what happened, did she keep it? Did she change for it? I never seen a baby with her which meant it most likely suffered the same fate as her first unborn child.
“I began to freak out from it. I lost a child and that’s something no drug can numb. The scars it left in my mind still lingered. I didn’t know what I would do if I lost another baby. If I was going to lose it again I would have likely committed suicide. Luckily it turned out I wasn’t pregnant. I was relieved and sad at the same time. I was relieved that I wasn't going to bring a child into my messed up world but sad about what could have been. I decided to clean myself again but this time commit, for my unborn child who I never got to hold, never speak to, never see grow up. Here I am today. I may have bettered myself but that doesn’t mean I’m done. someday I will want a child but I don’t think I could ever handle a pregnancy if there was a chance I could lose it.”
She began to tear up but she tried to keep her composure. I held her hand, “You’ll make a great mother someday.”
We both smiled at each other.
“Thank you for being here with me. Usually people can’t read me so well but you can. You should be a lawyer or something.”
“You think so?” I said with glee.
“Yeah, you’re really good at it.”
That was a major confidence booster for me. I know it was a little egotistical to think I was a great lawyer even when I haven't been through all of the necessary steps.
Lily’s phone began to buzz. She checked it and said, “I have to go, The bus will be arriving back soon and I have to be there for your mother.”
“Ok, well I’ll see you later.”
“OK,” she said. I stayed in my seat to finish my coffee as Lily walked off. She turned back to me and said, “By the way I never got to ask about how your father is handling this?”
I tensed for a second and my expression became a little dark, “My father died a few weeks ago, he and my mother divorced years before that.”
Lily looked as if she wasn’t fazed by it. “You should go talk to him about your problems.”
“What?” I replied.
Lily was already walking off and said, “You’re not the only one who can read people well.”
She was right, I haven’t even visited my father’s grave since the funeral. I don’t even think Abigail and I waited to see the tombstone be laid. I guess I should go see him.
I took two buses to the cemetery my father was at, picking up violets from the cemetery  garden along the way. I would have gotten lilies but they looked withered and were dying, and the roses were imitations. That as understandable: roses were a hard flower to grow.
I made it to his grave. I saw his tombstone for the first time. It was a little bigger than the others and had a rectangular shape. I sat down in front of it. It read:

Marcus Lamar Jefferson
Wonderful husband and father.
42 years old

He was a loving husband and father. I admit that he was a loving husband to Abigail but sometimes I wondered if he was ever a loving husband to my mother. Maybe he was and maybe he wasn’t. I wondered if he could have prevented my mother from becoming an addict. I put that in the back of my head. I wasn’t here to question. I was here to talk.
“Hey, daddy,” I said, “How you been? I been good myself.”
I felt a little weird for talking to his grave, but I knew he was hearing me.
“I just wanted to tell you that I got an internship from the very firm you worked at. What’s even better is that I’m interning your friend, Mr. Thomas Black.”
I smiled a bit at telling him that. It was like I was truly talking to him. I was talking to him.
“Mom entered Rehab. I know you probably gave up on her a long time ago, but I couldn’t. I’m glad I didn’t.”
I looked at his tombstone. It hit me that I was just looking at a piece of stone, but I had to tell him something. “I know it wasn’t necessarily a secret but I feel like I must say it. I’ve never seen what you saw in Abigail. I feel like she was just taking advantage of you. I admit that I could also hate her because I feel like she’s replacing my mother, but I know it's only a small part. I’m glad I got the chance to tell you this. I love you dad.”
I stood up and placed the violets in front of his tombstone. I’m glad I picked up the  violets because he named me after them and these were the violets that will be with him when I’m not. I promised myself that I would bring violets everytime I come, maybe even a few roses for my mother.
I arrived home later on that night. Abigail made food and was already in her room. It was a plate of grilled chicken; with a side of green beans; and broccoli and cheese rice. No doubt it was from a restaurant. I took it anyway. I ate quickly and was off to bed for school tomorrow