Violets Are Blue

Chapter 20: Violet

After school I went straight to the rehab clinic. I needed to talk to my mother about everything that happened. I still found it hard to believe that my dad killed himself. What could have caused him to do something like this? Was it Abigail? My mother?
It couldn’t have been Abigail, my father loved her, and from what I know he doesn’t pay attention to my mother. Could it be me?
I know he hated that I couldn't' get along with Abigail,  but he was used to it. Maybe something happened at work, I don’t know. He should have talked to me about it, even Abigail. What caused his extreme depression? I was never told about this which meant there was a better chance of it being my fault.
Once at the rehab I was a little unnerved to not seeing Lily at the door again. She must be with my mother. She’s been overworking herself, it must be driving her crazy. I walked in to talk to the red haired receptionist.
“Hi, is Lily here?” I asked.
The red haired receptionist's face turned pale and said, “Lily was fired from her coaching duties, a week ago, when it was found out she was using again. We tried to reinstate her back into rehab but she just left. Some people said she has been seen walking around here afterwards, she must miss it here.”
My heart sank. Lily using again? I found it hard to believe, she was such a wonderful person whose passion was to help others fight addiction.
“W-w-what about my mom?” I stuttered, “What about Rose Jefferson?”
The receptionist had a quizzical look, She opened a cabinet next to her desk that read: Patient history.
She went through the pages and finally said, “Rose Jefferson only stayed here for no more than two weeks, afterwards she checked herself out.”
“two weeks?!” I said, “Isn’t this something you should tell me?”
“Of course but according to Lily you never gave her any personal information, and you never came here so we couldn’t tell you.”
“That was only because Lily told me not to come here, and I’m sure I gave her my information.”
“Not according to these files.”
I clenched my fist. I was more angrier than ever, even more madder than I am at Abigail. I had to talk to Lily, I had to know what’s going on between her and my mother. Is Lily now supplying my mother? She promised me that she would help her and she does this?!
“Can I have the address of Lily? Please!”
The receptionist gave it to me but was reluctant, but she can she it in my eyes that I needed to talk to her.
Lily lived near the ghetto, and happened to be near the same bus routes I take. She lived in some apartments. The apartments were made of red brick, and had tall black gates surrounding it. Once inside all of the apartments had a black wood trim with matching black doors and black rails.
Once at her door I knocked, “Lily!” I yelled, “Open up the door I need to talk to you!”
She opened the door slightly but didn’t peek out to see me.
“What do you want?” she asked.
“I need to talk to you about what’s been going on. I just heard you were fired for using again.”
Lily opened the door. She looked horrible. Her hair was a mess, her face was more grim than ever, grimmer than the last time I saw her. Her eyes were sunken and had dark bags under them. She wore a simple white dress but it was dirty, filled with stains of god knows what. I could clearly see the spots where she shot up, and even the red line of the belt she used on her upper arm. My mother's dark skin nearly covered her marks of euphoria, but Lily’s was perfectly clear. I just hated that she would do this to her body, just like my mother.
“Oh my god,” I said, “You are using again.”
She stared at me. She was embarrassed, “Just please go, leave me alone.”
I could see the hurt in her eyes. She was clearly aware that what she was doing is wrong, bad for her.
“No,” I said walking into her home, “I want to know what the hell happened between you and my mother!”
“No, no I can’t, please go.”
She began to walk toward her couch. I followed her. Her living room was a bit dirty, and I could see the used needles on the black coffee table. the walls were white, with a red brick fireplace, that was turned into a little spot for a TV. I saw pictures on the wall of people who I think were her family. I also saw a picture of her shaking hands with a recovered addict. I grabbed it from the wall.
“You let all of this go?” I said. I showed her the picture, “Just because you had to get high? You told me that even after you recover the fight never ends, it's a daily struggle. You told me that you had to be strong. You’re not strong. At least not anymore.”
“Please Violet just leave me alone!” she said. She began to sob. “I just want to be left alone. I need to clear my head. I need-” she began to look at the used needles. “I need to escape.”
“Not until you tell me what happened.”
Lily sighed. “It happened about three days after she checked in. I began to help her wean off of the drugs. She was not interested at all, nor was she planning to stop using. She stopped coming and I went to go find her. She told me about a shelter in the ghetto and I knew the one she was talking about. I went there and told her to come to my home so we can talk. She did. We talked about why she did drugs. She gave me no clear answer. She told me to keep it a secret and not tell Violet that she doesn’t plan to go back to rehab. I told Rose I will tell you, then she tried to offer me drugs. She told me that she had a great connection with some man. At first I denied it and sent her on her way, because even if this did work you would find out. She was just so focused on staying on drugs that she didn’t think the plan out. She came back the next day and the next day to offer me drugs. Around the sixth day I accepted it. After so long of being offered the one thing I craved for, I gave in. I started using again and the worst part is that I thought I could handle it, that I would be able to live the next day as if I never started using again. I thought I was hiding it well when the next day I spoke to you. That was impossible. It started to show, and the rehab clinic saw it. They offered to get me clean and I can go back to being a coach. I denied it all and they fired me. I realized that I couldn’t fight it any more. This is my life, Violet. This is what I will always be. Every time I try to walk out that door, I always find myself going back into it. I can’t leave my cage anymore. Everything outside of it is hard. Yes I fought the demons when I did leave, but I always lose, and I have to come running back into the cage to protect myself. This is life for me. I have no choice.”
“No,” I said, angered she was using when she told me about the death of her child, “It’s the life you chose. No matter how much of your free will you think is gone you will always have, and make, a choice. You chose to go back to drugs, you chose to lose. You chose to give up.”
She used her passionate way of talking to try to justify her drug abuse. I always loved her words but now I hate them.
“Violet, I’m sorry. Please, please just go! Just let me be alone right now. I told you everything!” she said.
I sighed. “As of today I lost all respect for you. I’m sorry what you’re going through. I’m sorry that you need drugs to survive. I just hope you get better and if not, then don’t bother being you. Don’t bother trying to hold on to whatever you left behind. Just.. Don't bother.”
I walked away and closed the door. Once outside I leaned on it and slid down into sitting on the ground. I rubbed my temple. I needed to go see my mother and talk to her about this too.
Once I made it to the shelter, she was sitting on the porch. There was no one else there.
Once she saw me she tried to hurry and run into the shelter but I grabbed her in time.
“What the hell is going on? I hear that you left two weeks after you checked into rehab, and that you got Lily hooked back on drugs! What the hell is wrong with you!?”
“Baby I know it looks bad, but I-I-I can explain.”
“Then explain?” I said. I felt myself choking up. It remained quiet, before she sighed.
“Look baby this is something I can’t fight. I get it, I fucked up. I got Lily back on it, but look at the facts baby. If she can’t fight it what makes you think I can? I just accept that I use drugs to deal with the pain. I need you to accept that like I already have.”
“No mama,” I said. I sat next to her and hugged her. “you will fight this. I just don’t understand why you would get Lily on the very thing she was helping you fight? Why? Why would you do something, so…. so expected of you?”
“I don’t know baby. I just didn’t want to stop. I was willing to do anything to get out of the situation I was in. If it means anything to you, I regret it.”
I looked her in the face. She had no emotional change within her whatsoever. She looked the same as she does when she told lies to me, she would have looked the same if she was telling the truth. I didn’t want to accept it though. I believed that all the years of drug abuse numbed her mind but I know her soul felt it, even if it didn’t show. I don’t know if she really meant those words but I accepted them, knowing it’s as close as I’m going to get.
“It’s ok mama. If you don’t want to go to this clinic then that’s ok. I will help you get better. I promise.”
My mother still had the same expression as if this wasn’t getting to her, but I know it is, I had to believe that it is. I let go of her and told her I was on my way. I realized that I had no problem telling her goodbye. I said goodbye and she just sits there and either ignores it or gives me a faint smile.
Our arguments were small. They were always small. They end so quickly and I’m never the one to calm down the storm. It was always my mother. She would say words and I become entangled in them. She shows bits of herself that I believed were lost long ago. She just showed remorse for her actions and I calmed myself down. I did find it weird that I did that. Was my faith in her becoming blind? No that’s impossible. I think it’s impossible. I quickly put those thoughts in the back on my head and decided it was time to head home, it was near sunset.
On the way to the bus station I realized I was being followed. I was not scared but I was cautious of them. I began to hear steps and picked up my pace, but when I did, so did the steps. I didn’t want to show my fear. I didn’t run because I know it would just provoke them. Maybe they were just walking passed me. I was wrong.
I felt a hand push onto my shoulder and into the alley way. My back hit the wall. I was stared upon by two shadowy figures. The light above me wasn’t on. I was in complete terror. Who are they? What did they want with me?  What were they going to do to me?
I made a slight movement and the lights turned on. They must have been sensor lights. Faulty sensor lights.
I was angered at who I saw. It was none other than Ronnie and Darnell the tag team duo of self stupidity. Both were wearing black clothing, as if they were waiting in the dark for someone to come out this late at night.
“What the hell do you want?” I said. I tried to push them off of me, but this time they retaliated and pushed me back on the wall with a lot of force.
“We just wanna talk.” Darnell said. they had big grins on their faces. I tried to push them off again, but they slammed me harder against the wall.
“What are y'all doing!” I said.
“You been keeping your moms from us,” Ronnie said, “We just wanted to know if you could take her place?”
I knew they were talking about my mother’s ‘night job’.
“What the hell? You do realize I’m only fifteen! Besides I’d never do something as low as that.”
Darnell pulled a knife on me and held it against my neck. “You kind of don’t have a choice. Now undress.”
I was scared, but I wouldn’t show it. Even in the face of danger I kept my composure. I spat in Darnell’s face. “Don’t you ever say that to me!” I said with anger in my voice.
Darnell looked at Ronnie and they both grinned harder, I felt the knife slide down my neck and unto my shirt.
My breath became quick. I would scream but no one would care, let alone stop them. I expected the worst. I knew these two were shady but I would never expect them to do something like this, harassing me yes, but never this. I closed my eyes and remembered the last time this happened. I didn’t think they were going to do this to me. Were they going to last time? I don’t know, but what I do remember is my mother saving me. So I thought and hoped that she was going to save me again.
“Step away from her!” a voice said. I opened my eyes thinking it was my mother. It was Abigail. She was pointing a gun at them.
“I already called the cops!”
The duo gave in easily. Proving their status as a wannabe thugs
The cops came and arrested the two. They were yelling slurs and gang related words. I know they were doing it for ‘street cred’’.  Fools. The cops could care less about what they were affiliated with at this point. They were going to jail for sexual assault and attempted rape. I hope.
I didn’t stay long. I just didn’t want this night to go on. I decided to ride with Abigail, while something I never liked doing, I did today. As usual it was quiet.
I’m glad it was quiet. I needed this time to my thoughts. My view of my mother just crumbled today. Everything I knew about her, or I thought I knew about her is gone. I couldn’t describe my feelings at the moment, but I was sure of one thing. Abigail just saved me. She risked herself for me. I still disliked her but once again I had to thank her.   
“Thank you, Abigail.” I said. I looked at her face. She was glowing. She had her hair in a ponytail, and wore a pink sweat suit. I’m glad she came to my aid. But how did she know I was down here?
“Were you following me?” I asked.
“Yes, I was.” Abigail said.
“What? why?”  I exclaimed, once again losing my only respect for her.
“I don’t know I just had to see what you were doing, I had to check on you, this place is not safe for you. Hell look what just happened?”
“I don’t care, that gives you no reason to stalk me!”
“Listen Violet, I am your legal guardian. Your mother is a bad influence on you! For god sakes she’s an addict, and from what I saw she’s using!”
I snapped. I grabbed her by the neck, I didn’t care if she was driving.
“You bitch! You didn’t have to say that about my mother!”
“Violet Stop!” Abigail screamed. I didn’t listen I kept on trying to choke the life out of her. She was struggling to get my hands off of her while keeping hold of the steering wheel, she began to turn red. “I’m pregnant!” she yelled.
I stopped. Shock filled my body. Abigail was pregnant. I was going to have a little brother? No impossible. My dad couldn’t be the dad. Could he?
“I’m pregnant.” Abigail repeated, “I have been for about a three and a half months. It’s a boy.”
“Who’s the dad?” I asked, being blunt and straightforward with my skepticism.
“Marcus of course. I promise you he is.”
The rest of the drive was quite. I could tell Abigail wanted to say more but I didn’t want to hear it. I was glad when we finally made it home.
I didn’t know what to do, but I did know what to say. I calmed myself down, not for Abigail, but for that thing inside of her.
“That bastard of a child would never be my brother.”
All of the color was flushed from Abigail's face.  I stepped out of the car and went into the house, and into my room.
I know it was an extremely nasty thing to say, especially since there is a chance it may be my half brother, but the fact that it was going to be conceived by Abigail sickened me. I get it, she saved me from Ronnie and Darnell but I can’t get over the fact that she caused this. All of it. I wouldn’t have had to go to the ghetto if my mother wasn’t there, I wouldn’t have been almost molested or even worse by those two, if it wasn’t for Abigail.
After getting dressed in my pajamas I sat on the foot of the bed. I took in a deep breath, and breathed out. Today has been a really long day. My mother, those two men, and Abigail. I couldn’t take it all in. I couldn't handle this. I called it a night, hoping I could sleep it all off. Hoping that I won’t have to deal with it tomorrow.