True As Cheese

October 27: Don't Be A Hooker

Michael's wildest dreams were coming true. 70 hot, sweaty men stood on the stage before us, fighting for his attention. Toned abs, flexing biceps, plump butts. It was like we booked a stay in his private thoughts and this was a hotel from gay Heaven. Michael fixed his fake glasses, straightening up as the next group of 10 men find their place with the weights. Before you think this is some weird porn thing, we're finding a bodyguard for Michael.

I know, the mafia needing a bodyguard? I'm not sure how, but Michael convinced Bear it was a necessity. So there we sat, in a theater Bear rented out for the day. Leo sat the left of Michael, clipboard in hand as he was ready to help his dear friend. I sat to Michael's right, and Bear sat to my right. I nudge Michael, pointing to his phone, silently asking to use it. He nods, sliding it over before going back to goggling at the half-naked men on stage.

The weight lifting part of the audition was over, now it's onto the parkour. As some workers moved the equipment onto the stage, Bear and I went back and forth showing each other stupid videos on our phones. He shook his head before showing me a video, spitting part of his water onto my lap as the man ran from the bounty hunter.

"My safe word is pineapple juice!" Our laughter rings through the air, everyone's attention falling on us as we slap each other like maniacs.

"You know our safe word should be pineapple juice." Bear winks, wiping a fallen tear from his eye. I roll my eyes, Michael shushing us before turning back to the stage. Flips, jumps, and facepalms to the wooden floor leave us amused as five more are eliminated.

"psssttttt... pstttt Bear..." Michael leans over me, poking Bear. Bear leans forward, glaring at his best friend.

"...What?"

"Truth or dare."

"Michael I'm going to castrate you."

"Truth,"

"No."

"Or,"

"Michael I'm warning you"

"Dare." Bear sighs, rubbing his temples.

"Dare."

"I dare you to give Tessa a lap dance." Michael flies out of his seat instantly, Bear hot on his tail as he runs for his life.

"Next, flexibil...ity..." Leo's voice trails off as he looks at Michael questioningly, but Michael waves him off, his eyes basically hearts as he watches the men jump into splits and do toe touches.

"Trust me, Leonardo. This is vital." Shaking my head, A door slamming behind us makes everyone jump. Heels click on the floor as an angry blonde woman stomps her way down the aisle.

"You piece of shit!" She screeches her high pitched voice echoing throughout the room.

"Amanda, what are you doing here? What are you going on about?" Bear stands, his face going stone as she storms up to him.

"When were you going to tell me you were broke?! How could you do this to me?" Mascara poured down her face as she looked up at him, her lip quivering as she cried.

"What does it matter to you?" He crosses his arms intimidatingly, taking a step forward as he clenches his jaw.

"That's his girlfriend, in case you didn't catch on," Michael whispers, pretending to eat popcorn as he watched the scene before us. I reached over to his imaginary popcorn, tossing it in the air and catching it in my mouth. Bear clears his throat and glares at us before turning back to his girlfriend.

"It matters because you can't support my needs anymore!"

"Why do I have to support your needs? Aren't you a strong independent woman?" His voice is challenging, his muscles flexing with anger.

"He definitely passes the weight test, he could surely lift 215lbs, even though I don't look it." Michael winks, writing Bear's name on the paper and putting a check mark next to it. It's true, Michael is 6'1" and muscular but definitely doesn't look 200lbs.

"So this is what you've been doing with your free time? Sitting around with your friends and some hooker watching guys bend over and slap each other's butts?" She screams, pointing her finger at us.

"Hell yeah!" Michael raises his hand for a high five, receiving a slap to the back of the head by Leo.

"Amanda, you need to leave. We will discuss this further, later. This is not the time or place." Bear breathes in deeply, attempting to remain calm as she screams.

"No, we'll discuss this now!" I reach over, popping more invisible popcorn in my mouth as Michael slurps his imaginary drink loudly. Bear doesn't even notice as he shoots lasers into the skull of his spouse, steam practically coming out of his ears.

"Amanda, from one hooker to another, you should probably get out of here before you turn into a kebab," I say, both of their heads whipping to me.

"Tessa, stay out of it. And she may be a hooker, but you're not. If anything, Michael's the hooker." Bear says, a small smile fighting its way on his face as Michael begins to defend himself. Amanda does the unimaginable and lifts her hand to slap Bear. It all goes in slow motion. Bear turns to her as her hand swings, but the sound of 70 or more guns pointing her way freezes her in her spot. Every man applying for Michael's bodyguard and the rest of the gang all held their guns high as she looks around terrified.

"Amanda. Leave. And don't come back." Bear's voice is harsh, her hand an inch from his face but he didn't even flinch. With tears in her eyes, she stomps away, weeps filling the room.

"What test is next?" Bear takes his seat next to me, still tense from the argument. Michael happily claps, announcing the next challenge is cooking his favorite food. Tacos. I lay my hand on his arm, gently drawing while watching the men on stage competing. Bear lays his hand on mine momentarily before moving it, relaxing slightly.

Tacos were placed in front of us, and apparently, Michael hated most of them because the number of men went from 37 to 15. After, the number dropped from 15 to 9 because he didn't like how they were dressed. That's when I caught on. He's not looking for a bodyguard, he's looking for a boyfriend.

"Pstt, do foot massages," I whisper to Michael, his face lighting up. As soon as he announces it, Bear catches on.

"This isn't GoFindMe, we're not here for dating." He whispers, the gang behind us chuckling quietly. Michael flicks him off, continuing his search. Leonardo stays clueless as a muscular man massages his feet, commenting on how strong he is and how beneficial this will be as a bodyguard. Nine to five as we move to what I assumed was the last competition. The funniest of the bunch.

With three left, Michael smirks evilly at the final three as he stands, making his way on stage.

"And for my final trick, I ask my assistants for one last work of magic. A kiss." Leonardo just about had a heart attack as he stands up quickly.

"This isn't for a bodyguard at all, is it?!" Bear facepalms as I giggle quietly, shaking my head. Michael is left unkissed as the men make their way off stage, mumbling about how they're not getting paid enough for this shit. Michael shrugs and starts making his way off stage, sighing.

"Their loss."

"Well if they won't, I will." A familiar voice rang from behind. Everyone's heads whipped around, shock filling the air as our jaws drop in surprise. Shit just got steamy.