Now I know how I let you down
---
LANDO
It was so difficult to comprehend the fact that I had let my own girlfriend down, even after I promised her time and time again that I never would. I told her a thousand times before I left for my first testing session as a Formula 1 driver, that I would never let this get in the way of our relationship, but I did. I ruined our relationship by getting so involved in my job, which never should have come before Isabelle. I ruined her. I saw how upset she was on that evening three years ago when she told me about her medication, about how she lived in fear of losing me. She always thought that meant physically; she thought she would have to wake up every day and attempt to come to terms with the fact that I had passed away in an accident, whereas it was the complete opposite. I pushed her away and she lost me emotionally. I was never there for her anymore, especially not when she needed it the most. She had no choice but to keep everything locked up inside, leaving her to battle with her demons on her own. Isabelle did a good job of looking after herself and I admired how strong she was, but I knew that a large part of her was so desperate to have someone else give her a little bit more love, affection and care. I simply couldn't be that person anymore.
Everything was so different two weeks after our final argument. Even though I didn't want to put myself through it, I was still travelling to train and to race, because that's the commitment and promise I had made to my team. It was difficult to leave the country knowing I'd not kissed her goodbye and I'd not followed our normal routine of me staying with her the night before I flew out to the next destination on the race calendar. Although I knew that she would be fully aware of my upcoming races, I also knew that she wouldn't be able to cope with me travelling so far without updating her. She would be terrified in case I didn't get there safely, even though deep down she knew I always would. I was so tempted to text her, to leave her a message and let her know that I was alright, but each time I played the chicken and refused to do it.
We were both so committed to our jobs, simply because they were ones we had dreamed about since we were younger. After deciding I preferred cars more than motorbikes, racing was where I wanted to be. A seat in Formula 1 was nothing but the dream and now, I'd finally achieved that. I finally made it, but I wouldn't be anywhere without the support and the love Issy gave to me. I felt like I had betrayed her. She spent so much time on me, travelling around the country with me and my family for karting championships, sticking by me when I was stressed about training and where I had to be at different points. Now, what was left for us? I'd completely let Isabelle down and I'd thrown everything she ever provided me with right back in her face. All the love and patience she'd given me, I'd completely taken away from her. I isolated her, I showed her nothing, no love, no patience and no interest whilst I was working. I was starting to realise it more and more.
Isabelle was so determined to get her first book published as soon as she possibly could. She'd been in talks with publishing companies for a year or so, when the perfect deal showed up out of nowhere. She took it with open arms and she never turned back. I was so proud of her for finally getting the chance to sit down and write the ideas she'd been building on for years, before it would be published and made available for everybody across the world. My baby would no longer be a little secret in the world of writing. I was so excited to be by her side, every step of the way, in the same way she never left mine as I worked hard to get to where I am today.
The amount of love and support Isabelle had shown me whilst I was climbing the ladder on the way to my goal was tremendous. I always wanted to do the same, even though my job did make it difficult. I made sure that if I was ever away, she would call me straight after she finished a meeting with her publishers. If I could be at home to surprise her after a day of meetings, I would be there. I wanted to prove to her that nothing was going to get in the way of our relationship, one where we worked towards our own individual goals, but had the backing of each other to guide us along the way.
I knew that because I achieved my dream at such a young age, finally gaining a seat for McLaren when I was only 19, everything would be a little more hectic for me. It was tough for me to support Isabelle in the same way she supported me. It was almost impossible to be by her side at every meeting, kissing her good luck before she disappeared into the small room and being there to hug her when she would come out again. I wanted to repay her by doing the same for her as what she had done for me, but I couldn't. As soon as I was given my seat at McLaren, I was whisked away for more testing than I already did. Training became that little bit more intense and I was always exhausted. Mine and Isabelle's lives were both at completely different stages, but I still wanted to try my best to be a supportive boyfriend. I knew I was far from that. Being away from home all the time meant that I would never be able to repay Isabelle in the ways that I always wanted to. Instead, I would have to call her to talk about her day, ask her to send me photos of extracts or ideas she'd come up with whilst she had some time to herself. Of course, I read every single one and each time, I was blown away with how amazing her writing was. It was a talent that came naturally to Issy and I was glad that she had something to keep her busy when I wasn't home. She was battling with her anxiety, which was at an all time high due to the demands of my job, but no matter how hard it got, she still found a little bit of time to add more detail to the extensive plan for her story.
I pushed her away. I lost her because I was so caught up in the world of motorsport, that she didn't want to burden me anymore. She felt let down and lonely. Each missed call or ignored text message added up. The mornings when I left for the airport, alone, drove her crazy because she begged me to stay with her but I walked out anyway. It wasn't because I didn't want to, because I did and I would choose to do that if I didn't have a contract signed under my name. This was my life. The balance between racing and my personal life was declining. I knew I didn't have enough time for Isabelle anymore and I knew she would be upset because of that. I just never expected her not to mention it until she did. I knew how badly it would have been eating her up inside. She decided that she didn't want to be with me because I was never there for her, no matter how hard she begged and that killed me, because I wanted to be by her side always, no matter what job role I was under.
I could not imagine myself with any other woman apart from Issy. The thought of going near another girl romantically made my head spin and my stomach drop. Isabelle was the only girl I wanted. I was so determined for it to work, to have Issy coming out to each race with our little family, as she wore a large diamond ring and silver band on her finger. I saw our son running around the garage, an orange cap sitting on his head, wanting to be like his Daddy, whilst Issy sat at the back of the room, cradling our newborn girl in her arms. I think my surname suited her perfectly too; Isabelle Norris, I knew I could get used to that and it was something that I wanted so desperately. Yet now, that had been cruelly taken from me, all because I was a dickhead and ruined my relationship. I was too busy thinking about myself and I knew that I hadn't put Isabelle first for a long time. I wanted to avoid getting completely dragged under by the sport, but that was difficult, especially at the highest level of motor racing.
Me letting Isabelle down like I did was one of the main reasons as to why she asked me to leave. It caused her distance from me, because she thought that I had bigger priorities. She thought that she was going to lose me to the fucking car and that broke my heart because every time, I told her that it would never happen. I was going to be here for her as long as I lived but that wasn't good enough anymore.
All I did was blame myself for how cruel I was to Issy. I felt so drained and exhausted because the weight was all on my shoulders, and whenever anybody asked me about our split, the guilt only grew.
It was fucked up too, because the only person remotely capable of making me feel Lando again, was the person who hated me the most.
---
https://my.w.tt/7mTcrDfP4V - Monaco is out! please make sure to add it to your library/reading list and check it out!<3
YOU ARE READING
SEVEN MINUTES || L. NORRIS
Fanfiction- "I forgot to love you" - *** 7 MINUTES - DEAN LEWIS
