SEVEN MINUTES || L. NORRIS

THIRTEEN

Oh, I finally figured it out

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LANDO

I exhaled whilst resting my phone on the kitchen counter after saying goodbye to my mum. She called often, especially when I was working, but she was checking up on me even more now since I'd told her about Isabelle. Mum asked me to go and stay with her and Dad for a few days whilst I wasn't training. I wanted to agree, but I was so afraid of Issy needing me when I was further away than usual. Mum told me the truth; she'd not needed me in two weeks, so why would she now? I knew she was right, but I still was too afraid to leave. I just wanted to stay here and try to relax, because everything was exhausting me and getting the better of me the longer I went without hearing her voice.

The need for me to spend my time on the other side of the world destroyed Isabelle; the journey time was harrowing and long, so her anxiety would only build and build as she waited nervously for me to call. But then, when I did get round to calling, there was always the chance that Issy had gone to bed and was sleeping. Time zones were difficult for her to adjust to; she would try to sleep when I would, but it only made her feel unwell, her body clock quickly messing up. If I was in an awkward time zone, Issy and I struggled to speak often. I knew it killed her. Not hearing my voice when I was working was so difficult for her. I would call her each night and sometimes, it would just ring out. I knew she would be sleeping. I tried again a few times, but still she didn't answer, so I would leave her a text asking her to call me when she woke up. I'd leave my phone ringer turned up, before heading to sleep myself. We would be lucky to squeeze in a five minute phone call, but I took anything gratefully, because I missed her whilst I was away. It gave me a reassuring boost of confidence to hear from her before I was needed in the car. It meant everything simply just to hear her tell me how proud she was of what I'd achieved and that she couldn't wait to see me when I returned home.

Even when I was home, we didn't get to spend as much time with one another as we would have liked to. If I was training for the day, Isabelle would stay home and I would either pick her up when I finished or I would just take myself to her place. If I was going away for a few days, we always made a trip of it and so she would come along to spend the evenings with me in the hotel. It meant that she was still able to work whilst I trained, but we would still have time to spend with one another after each training session. Not being home often enough was hard for Issy to accept; as much as she understood that I had to be away, her anxiety prevented her from ever settling enough. I really did worry for her, especially knowing that her parents were out of the country, her brother lived up north and her 'best' friend was never too interested in anything that happened in Issy's life. Her parents called every day and I knew that Mum was constantly checking on her when I couldn't call as often.

No matter how far apart we were though, my love for Isabelle grew and was stronger by the time I arrived on her doorstep. I always looked forward to seeing her face light up as I would take her into my arms and hold her against my chest. We would stumble through the door and she would say nothing; she always cried against the material of my shirt, tears of happiness because I was finally back home with her. I lived for those moments; I felt so ecstatic every single time she would rush to the front door, dropping whatever she was doing, so that she could greet me with that beautiful smile of hers.

I could not comprehend the amount of loneliness my body endured as I sat on the sofa in my front room. Thinking about mine and Issy's best moments absolutely killed me inside, the feeling of my heart plummeting in my chest started to become all too familiar for me. My apartment was empty, it didn't feel like home anymore, because everything was beginning to lose the scent my girlfriend carried around with her. Her side of the bed started to smell of nothing, her clothes which were hung in my wardrobe were losing their scent as they lingered with my own. There was no longer any of Issy's striking energy in my apartment and everything seemed so cold, so bare, without her.

I wanted to marry her. I'd already visioned the proposal in my head. I knew exactly what I wanted to say to her. I would tell her how much I loved her and how I knew that I was so lucky to have found someone like her. Isabelle was one in a million and I wanted her to be my wife more than I'd ever wanted anything. My last name suited her well and I used to tell her that every so often, whilst explaining how desperate I was to really make her mine forever. I could picture her walking down the aisle in such a beautiful dress, as tears streamed uncontrollably from my eyes.  I knew how breathtaking she would look on our wedding day and I would get myself so excited just by thinking about it. I dreamed of such a perfect engagement and a perfect wedding for the woman who I wanted to be my wife more than anything else. I knew where I would get down on one knee; in Monte Carlo, Monaco - her favourite city. I'd taken her there a few times, once for work and twice for leisure, but she absolutely adored being there. I could just picture her face now as I pulled the small box from my pocket, as we stood at Casino Square, her favourite place to visit in the city. I knew now, that it might never happen. Another chance with Isabelle was wearing thin as each day passed.

I wanted her to be the mother of my children. We were only young, but the idea of having a baby together when we felt ready was the most exciting thing to think about. I wanted a little boy and a little girl; we'd already planned out names for any babies we would have. We both loved Theodore, after Issy's brother, but also liked the names Oscar and Noah for a boy. Isabelle adored the name Olivia if we had a girl, which I liked too, but I much preferred Navy or Anastasia. Either way, I could already see them running around the garage at work, whilst clutching onto my hand. I saw our babies wearing my team cap, holding proudly onto the front as they clapped and cheered for me. I was so desperate to have something like that. I wanted Isabelle and I to start our own little family, where race weekends would become holidays for us.

I was ready to ask her to move in with me, for good this time. Splitting our time between two apartments was alright, but the thought of coming back from races, to our home, excited me more than the thought of anything else. My apartment was big enough for the both of us, but the thought of moving somewhere a little bigger also crossed my mind multiple times. I was waiting until we flew out to Monaco for the race weekend to ask her, but again, the chances of us moving in with one another were becoming slimmer.

It broke my heart. So suddenly, everything was beginning to make sense. Every time I walked out of the door, suitcase behind me and backpack over my shoulder, it broke Isabelle's heart a little more. I always turned back to leave her with one final wave and her hand movement would be the same each time. A quick flick of her wrist in my direction, and a small smile, was all I ever got from her. It took so much not to turn around and rush back to her side, taking her into my arms and telling her that I wasn't going anywhere and I would stay with her. As desperate as I was to do that, I couldn't. I couldn't let my team down like that, but at the same time, I knew that's exactly what I was doing to Issy.

I was so naive. I thought she really did understand and she had no objections to the demand I was put under by my job. Each time she hung up and told me 'I'm fine', I should've known she was lying. When there was something wrong, she made it really obvious; when she suffered from a panic attack she would be breathing heavily down the phone, crying out in pain as she begged for me to come home. But other times, when I called just to check in, she was more subtle about the way she was feeling. Each goodbye lasted a few seconds longer. She didn't want to put the phone down. At the time, I didn't notice it, but right now, I finally was able to. However, right now, was far too late.

I created a fist and threw my hand downwards, crying out in distress as my skin met with the material of my sofa. I wanted her to come back. I wanted to be enough for her to want me again. Isabelle completely doubted how much I really did adore her, but it wasn't due to any fault of her own. I was the one who forgot about her; I forgot to put her first because all I did was think about myself whenever I was away. Myself, my team and my car were the most important things at race weekends.

I could never admit that to myself, never mind Isabelle, because the pain of knowing that's how things were would absolutely destroy both of us.

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another upload because i go back to school the day after tomorrow and i would like to get as much up as possible! also, if you haven't already, please make sure to head to my profile to check out my new story, monaco! :)