SEVEN MINUTES || L. NORRIS

THIRTY

If I came back now would you still be there?

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ISABELLE

Lando left two hours after he showed up on my doorstep. We left things on civil terms, but I felt so terrible for telling him we couldn't try things again immediately, even though I knew he was understanding and acceptive of my wants and my needs. Before he left, I asked if he could kiss me and I felt so guilty as I felt his body push mine up against the wall, his hands causing the material of my pyjama top to ride up my body. I loved him and I was so desperate to feel his sincere touch again, but the walls which built up around me wouldn't allow me to let him in. My heart wanted to, but my mind most definitely did not.

He wanted me to move in with him; I wanted to say yes, I wanted to agree because there was nothing I wanted more than to wake up to his face every single morning to cuddle into his warm body, knowing that I didn't have to leave him anytime soon. I would've loved to move in with him, but the wall around me didn't allow me to say yes, my heart and my anxiety cursing that decision. I wanted to quit my job as much as he wanted me to. The thought of travelling the world with the love of my life made me squirm with excitement, it was something that I'd dreamed of doing ever since I met Lando and learnt about how often he would be away for work. I would have said yes if I felt like I was in a better place financially, I didn't want to feel obliged to be reliant for his money. He wanted to marry me. I wanted to marry him more than I could ever show him; the thought of becoming Isabelle Norris excited me, I couldn't wait for the day that he held me in his arms as I wore a beautiful white dress and he called me his wife.

I couldn't live without Lando. On the evening when I kicked him out of my apartment, I thought that maybe I could be without him because I managed it every week when he went away for work. I was quick to learn how different that was; I could always call or text him whenever I needed him, but when I told him we were over, I didn't have that form of contact with him anymore. My world felt like it was crashing down every morning when I opened my eyes without him beside me, or without a text saying good morning or I love you. My heart broke every time I realised I had to spend another day without him, crushing me when I remembered that it was my fault. Social media was the only way I could find out whether he was okay and I was constantly checking his Twitter for updates, becoming paranoid if he'd not been online for a matter of hours. My separation anxiety only worsened when we were apart and I was so close to giving up. So close to ending everything, but I couldn't, because I could never hurt Lando like that. He was so important to me, no matter if we were together or not and I didn't want to put him through that. It felt like a hole was growing in my chest, I felt empty and hollow, nothing at all was working out for me.

I dragged myself to every shift at the bookstore. I was always miserable and my boss always pulled me into his office to tell me I was slacking and that I shouldn't allow my issues at home to have an impact on my time at work. He was a bastard and I absolutely despised working for him in his shitty little bookstore. I believed that I could potentially be close to losing my job, which was what I wanted, because I was too afraid to quit myself. I had absolutely no motivation to sit down with my laptop and write something, whether it was for my first book, or a character description, an extract for a story or even just ideas. Nothing worked without Lando. My first story, my first ever full-length book, was about the love I had for Lando, although, I used different names and personalities to cover that up. It was heart wrenching to even attempt to write something about the boy who I believed hated me.

I was so lonely, I had nobody around me anymore to turn to. My best friend moved away without even telling me and I soon realised how right Lando was about her. I thought that nobody loved me, nobody really cared about me, ever since I lost Lando. He was the only person who ever did care for me and who showed me love. I missed him terribly; I just wanted to see his face as he walked through the door of my apartment and I wanted to feel his touch so badly, but I couldn't have that. Nothing I could do would bring him back to me because I was responsible for this. He thought I hated him and I didn't blame him, but I could never feel such a strong emotion towards Lando. I would never use the word 'hate' to associate with him. He was such a kind and caring man, with a beautiful soul, and he only ever wanted the best for me. He wasn't the one at fault for the break down of our relationship; I believed that everything that happened between us was down to me, my anxiety was the overriding power that set us off. We lost everything in a matter of seconds because I couldn't control the fear that was constantly living inside of me.

I glanced around my apartment, sighing at the mess I'd left all throughout the front room. My blankets were sprawled across the sofa, clean clothes from last week remained in the washing basket in the kitchen because I was too lazy to take them back to the wardrobe in my bedroom. I was so unorganised; notebooks sat in piles around the coffee table, empty glasses sitting on placemats as I never got round to cleaning them up. All I did these days was sleep, go to work for a few hours, eat the smallest amount of food, then head back to bed. I couldn't remember the last time I sat down with my laptop to type anything for my book. Trying to find motivation to write about the boy I loved so dearly proved to be extremely difficult. I used to type away at my keyboard as he sat at the edge of the sofa, my feet resting in his lap as my laptop remained over my thighs. I couldn't do that anymore. Lando was the only form of inspiration I had for my story and I couldn't do anything but cry whenever I thought about him when I came to write my feelings on a word document. It was so impossible. I was living in such a messy environment, because I was too lazy to clean up after myself. I was so heartbroken after making Lando leave that I couldn't even allow myself to be remotely happy. I wanted him to come home.

I padded into the kitchen with only my socks covering my feet and reached into the cupboard where I kept my alcohol. It was only midday, but I didn't have work for a few days so it was never too early to drink. Ever since Lando and I broke up, I'd been using alcohol as a way of coping and he knew that, after he saw me on the evening when he drove to my apartment. I got myself drunk enough so that I could go to bed and sleep off the alcohol in my system; being asleep meant that I didn't have to worry about Lando. I usually dreamt about the better times and I enjoyed seeing those happier images in my head. I took a sealed bottle of vodka from the cupboard and headed to the balcony of my apartment.

Nobody was ever around. I was thankful to live in a neighbourhood that tended to remain rather quiet, with nobody sticking their nose into anybody else's business. Even though nobody ever asked me, everyone in my complex knew about mine and Lando's breakup. They knew because they never saw him around anymore and even though he was away often, it was never anything as long as this. If I passed people on the way to my apartment, they would always look at me sadly, frowning as their eyes met mine.

I took a seat on the chair which stayed outside on the balcony, opening the bottle of vodka and bringing the lid to my lips. I winced primarily, the temperature of the cold glass sending a shiver down my spine. The liquid burned my throat as it slid down my throat. I closed my eyes as I threw my head backwards, whimpering as I thought about Lando, wondering what he would be doing right now. I wanted him more than ever, I wished I'd asked him to stay. The vodka was so addictive and I was quickly throwing the alcoholic beverage down my through, my head falling back as I welcomed the alcohol gratefully into my system.

Tears began to spill from my eyes, sobs escaping from my mouth as I placed my forehead against the rim of the bottle.

"Lando..." I cried out, whimpering to myself as I thought about the love of my life. I missed him. I hoped he was coming back, but I knew I was hoping for something that was never going to happen. "Lando, I need you."

I clutched onto the bottle of vodka, my skin feeling hotter as I cried against the glass. I couldn't get over the feeling of emptiness I was experiencing, I wanted to put everything behind us and be able to call him mine again, for real this time.

"Please come home."

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10 chapters left!!