SEVEN MINUTES || L. NORRIS

TWENTY THREE

Oh, I finally figured it out

---

LANDO

I fastened up my race suit, securing my balaclava over my face before placing my helmet over my head. I climbed into the car, getting myself comfortable before sorting out the wheel. I exhaled, flicking the visor of my helmet down. Like all weekend, I was struggling to relax without hearing Isabelle's voice. I needed to hear her tell me, "Drive safe, Lando, good luck. I love you". I didn't want to go anywhere until she had, but I wasn't getting my own way today. I had to sit in my position on the grid and wait for the Formation Lap to begin. I was dreading everything about race day today. Usually, I would take my time in the car for granted, using it as a way to clear my head but right now, I couldn't get Isabelle off my mind. This race was for her. My first Grand Prix in Monaco was for her and nobody else. I knew that she would be watching back at home, whilst wearing her McLaren cap, dare I say, and she would be cheering me on through the screen. I just wanted to make her happy and proud today, I wanted her to realise how much I still loved her and that I was racing for nobody but her.

I should have booked flights for her and made her come to each race with me. Fuck her job, her pay was awful anyway and she only did it because she was afraid to quit. Even on her most anxious days, when she struggled to get out of bed and was terrified to leave the house, she still had no choice but to drag herself to work because she was scared to call in sick. I was proud of her for putting herself in a position where she had to get over things that worried her. It was a step forward and it could only get better if she continued. I also knew however, that if she came to race weekends with me, she would be much happier and less anxious, because she would be right by my side. I regretted leaving her every single time.

As I waited for lights out, I gnawed at my lip harshly with my teeth. My hands, trembling on the wheel as I revved the engine, waiting for the red lights to disappear to black. Isabelle should have been waiting in my garage, watching the race from there as she waited for me to arrive back after driving. There was no other place she was supposed to be. I partially believed that maybe she would surprise me and would be sitting in her usual spot, but I knew she wouldn't be able to surprise me like that as she didn't have the money. Her wage mostly went on bills and food costs, yet another reason why I so desperately wanted her to move in with me, so we could split our bills and I could help her out. I just missed having her around, everything was so much duller and darker without Isabelle.

I pushed my foot downwards onto the accelerator and headed towards turn one, remaining focused on the circuit and the other cars in front of me. I was doing my absolute best not to cry. I couldn't let my emotions which revolved around Isabelle disrupt me today. I had to drive a good race, for myself, for McLaren, but mostly for Issy. I wanted her to watch the race on the television in her apartment and for her to realise that this drive was all for her.

I was desperate to go back home. I'd finally figured out how important it was to sit before Isabelle and tell her exactly how I felt about her and how I felt about being separated from her. I wanted her to know the full truth and whether it was good enough was for her to decide, but I needed some form of closure to allow myself to rebuild as a person without the love of my life. I knew exactly what I would say to her, word for word. I'd rehearsed it plenty of times subconsciously and now, after realising what it was that would whir through my mind each night, I could recite it in my sleep.

Isabelle; I love you. I always have loved you, I know that there is nobody else in the world who could ever make me feel the same way you do. I appreciate you more than I could ever show you. I wish I knew how to make things right, I really fucking do, Issy, because it kills me not to have you near. I know that I did you wrong and it was unfair, I'm so sorry for that, because I never meant to hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you. I know that I can't turn back time and make all the bad times a little better, but I can make it up to you if you give me another chance. I won't go to another race without you by my side, Isabelle; I want it to be like the old days. The good old days. The ones where you'd rush to the track after school to support me, to cheer me on as I crossed the line after putting in my fastest karting lap of the day. I miss days like those and I know that I would do anything for us to do them again. Even though I had karting to focus on, it was like nothing else really mattered apart from you and I. It was so perfect then, Isabelle, and I know that you'd do anything to go back to those evenings at the track like I would.

I know that what I did was wrong and it hurt you. I should have thought more about what "I'm fine" meant. I admit that I believed you every time you told me. I thought you were happy, but I know now that I was wrong and it was all my fault as to why you weren't. I should have told you that I love you more, because I was always thinking about you whilst I was away. I upset myself each night thinking about you being alone at home. I thought about holding you in my arms whilst you slept, wishing I was able to be there to do that. Then I thought about you having a panic attack in the middle of the night and it made me sick. I was physically sick at the thought of you feeling like that whilst I was all the way on the other side of the world. I just wanted to come home to be with you. I wanted to care for you and make sure you knew how much I love you because I have done ever since I met you. Ever since I stepped into the classroom, I couldn't keep my eyes off of you.

I miss you so much, Isabelle. I miss knowing that I can come home to you and cuddle up to you, or make sweet, sweet love to you, or kiss you silly as you stood in front of me whilst wearing my clothes. I never took you for granted, because I know how precious you are and I know that life can be so harsh sometimes. You could be taken away from me in a split second. I wouldn't be able to live without you, Isabelle, and that's why I need you back. I miss you and I keep missing you. Every day, I miss you more.

And I love you. Those words will never do it justice. I love you until the day I die, Isabelle.

---

should i literally just go ahead and upload a few chapters in one go because i really am excited to surprise you all at the end ;)