SEVEN MINUTES || L. NORRIS

NINETEEN

How the hell did I end up losing you?

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LANDO

I lost you because I didn't show you enough love. Ever since I first laid my eyes on you, I knew that you were just perfect for me and I couldn't lose you to anybody else. I wanted you from the very first moment and I was going to do every single thing I could to have you in my life. It was all so perfect, I knew myself that our relationship couldn't have been any better than it was. I'd never loved anyone in my life, until I met you. I thought I had it in the bag, I was proud of myself because I was so honest with you about my feelings. It felt so good to sit down and tell you how I felt, before asking you on a date, even though I was terrified in case you didn't want our friendship to change. I was scared in case that's all you wanted, but I changed my mind when you sat me down, took my hand and told me, "I would love to be in love with you forever". It was so unexpected. I didn't even know you loved me any more than on a friendship level. I just wanted to say yes, to agree with you and take you to my bed, to hold you close and never let you go. I thought it was just a silly crush, but when I kissed you for the first time and felt the butterflies in my stomach, I knew it was a little more serious than that. I regretted having to leave you so often to race. I knew it broke your heart and I knew you never told me because you didn't want me to feel obliged to stay at home with you; you knew I would leave my career for you. I just didn't look deep enough into your eyes to realise that you were in pain, or I didn't listen close enough to your broken words to understand that I had hurt you. Now, I knew that leaving you alone crying in bed whilst I sobbed softly in the car on my way to the airport was the wrong thing to do. I could never justify my actions. There was no excuse for what I did to you, Issy, I just never noticed it at the time. I was so caught up in everything going on around me and I thought you really meant it when you said you were alright. I would show you all the love in the world if you gave me a second chance.

I lost you because I couldn't hold you every night and have you fall asleep in my arms. I knew there was nowhere else you would rather be at the end of each day. There really was no better place than being tucked up in our warm bed together, with you cuddling into my chest, your hands resting against my skin as I whispered into your hair. It used to be a nightly thing. We were inseparable, everybody knew it and everybody accepted it. I hated waking up to leave your side, but I always looked forward to falling asleep next to you at the end of the day. I never really understood how difficult it was for you to get through each night; of course I didn't, I never suffered from anxiety like you did. I would never understand the feeling of waking up during the night with a tight chest and a sweating forehead, shaking hands and numb toes, without anybody there to hold you and reassure you. I felt like the world's worst person for leaving your side at the most difficult time in your life. You needed me and I wasn't there for you. I let you down. But, I know now that I would never, ever leave you if you'd let us try again.

I lost you because I was never there for you when you suffered from your worst panic attacks. When you woke up during the night and cried out for me, when you begged for me to come home as you sobbed down the phone. I felt my heart break every time I heard you so upset. I was always scared of losing you, Isabelle, sometimes I thought that maybe your panic attacks would send you into such a state that your heart would stop, or your breathing would become weak, with nobody by your side to help you. I wanted to be the person who woke up with you and hold you against my chest as I ran my fingers through your hair, whilst rocking you back and forth as your breathing steadied out. Phone calls only made me feel even worse. Hearing you say my name as sobs wracked your body destroyed me. I knew that this was all my fault. It traumatised me because I never wanted you to be in a position like that one. I wanted you to be happy, to be well and not to worry about me. A phone call only reminded me of how much of a bad boyfriend I was to you and how much you deserved somebody who was a thousand times better than I was. Although, I would make it right by never leaving your side on an evening ever again.

I lost you because each kiss lasted a few seconds shorter than the one before. I held your face looser now, my fingers remaining stationary as they rested against your warm, rosy cheeks. I never wanted our kisses to be rushed, but I always started to be late for a training session, or for a scheduled meeting time at the airport. This meant I had to put my foot down and cut our time saying goodbye short. I still loved you with all of my heart, Isabelle, even if I spoke bluntly or brushed it off. I was stressed, afraid that I was never there enough for you and you were losing interest in me. I thought somebody else was entertaining you and making you happy. I thought I wasn't needed anymore but I knew that my excuses were not enough. They were pathetic, almost immature and I never wanted to admit them to you. I loved the feeling of your lips, the way they would connect with mine as if they were made to be together. Yours were always warm and smooth, plump and round as they met with my own. I could always feel your careful smile resting against your lips beneath mine and it was so reassuring because I knew it was you. If I had the chance, I would kiss you forever. I would stay in bed with you and cling onto your hand, my fingers tracing circles onto your wrist as my lips lingered around your own. Within seconds, we would close the gap and I would feel at home again. I wanted to kiss you again, Isabelle. I craved the warm feeling and taste of your gorgeous lips pressed delicately on mine, as your hands rested against my chest; mine wrapped around your neck to pull you closer into my warm body. I would go back in time if it meant I could enjoy the surreal feeling again. Maybe, this time, we could talk it through and understand that nothing would ever be enough to separate us. I would do it properly this time, without letting my career fall in the way of my relationship. If you let me do it once more, Issy, I would hold you and kiss you for as long as you let me.

I lost you because over time, I didn't know how to say "I love you" without it sounding boring. I meant it every time because I never stopped loving you, Isabelle, but I know it never sounded like I really meant what I was saying. I knew it was always over too quickly. You wanted me to drag out each syllable, hoping it would last forever; my love for you will last forever, you are my darling Issy and there will never be anybody, or anything that will ever take that away from me. Every time we spoke, I remembered to tell you, whether it lasted for a second or ten. I always wanted to make sure that you knew how much I loved you, I knew how important it was for you to hear those three words because it provided so much reassurance. I just wanted you to be happy and to feel loved and I thought I was enough to do that for you, because I don't want anybody else. My love is exclusive for you and only you, the thought of holding another girl in the same way I held you absolutely destroyed me because you are the only person I could ever want. I knew my 'I love you's' were no longer meaningful; I could see the sadness in your eyes as I spoke to you so monotonously. I was just exhausted. Everything ached, everything was sore and I just needed to rest. I thought that you understood but now I realise that my shitty way of showing you how much I really do love you meant nothing. But I would make it better, Issy, because I still love you. Fuck, I love you more every single day, even though we are miles apart. I would tell you how much I loved you all day, every day, if you gave me one final chance.

I brought the large glass of red wine towards my lips. I was leaving for Monaco in two days. Isabelle wasn't coming with me. I didn't want to visit her favourite city without her by my side, it didn't feel right to be preparing to stay there whilst she stayed at home. So, right now, as much as I shouldn't have been using alcohol as a distraction, I was sitting beneath my windowsill, my legs hunched to my chest with my chin resting on my kneecaps, sipping away at a glass of red wine. Of course, my vision was completely clouded over by tears. My hands were trembling and one wrong move would send my glass of wine all over the floor. I just wanted to have Isabelle in my arms. I ached for her, my whole body felt so heavy and I just wanted to try and make things right between us.

I miss you, Isabelle, and I hope that you're doing well. I hope that you're happier without me. I hope that I haven't fucked it up too much because I can't go on much longer without you. My heart needs you, it misses you more than I ever could. I hope that you'll give me another chance, Isabelle, because I can't lose you forever.

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i'm so excited to finish this story like damn it gets so intense at the end