Hopeless Romance

Chapter Twelve

May had been gone with Robert on the dangerous RR trip for five days.  My heart still ached but it didn’t feel like it was collapsing in on itself.  I was hurt May had disappeared, and angry she took Robert along.  I tried to tell myself she still loved me.  She needed space.  She wouldn’t betray me.  She would come back to me, healthy, and true.  We loved each other.  I had known that, really known it, just days ago. 

Dark doubts and fears circled my head during the day, and continued when I’d fall asleep- nightmares so vivid that when I woke, they still lingered and kept me from drifting off again for hours at a time.  Mostly images of May wrapped in Robert’s arms haunted me.  As my doubts and fears grew, our love seemed to shrink, seemed dimmer, unreal.  She had run away from me with someone she knew wanted her.  That was real, a clear, indisputable fact.

I spent a lot of time in the library.  I went to my meetings, but I did all my work, the little I accomplished, in the light at the center of the library.  I was taking another break from work and reading, staring up into the little bit of blue sky I could see in the library ceiling.  I knew I could go out of the cave.  I had been here long enough, helped enough with strategy, for them to know I didn’t want to go back to my prison home.  The guards let me pass to go to the Spring and on runs with May, and the day she left they let me go looking for her.  But, I needed the dark right now. I wanted to hide from the brightness.  Maybe I was wallowing; I felt I could breathe in here and felt more peaceful. 

At least that is what I told myself to justify why I felt pulled to work here.  I often caught myself glancing around the room though, searching for her.  Then, guilt would hit me.  I’d berate myself as a weirdo, a pervert, totally messed up, and corrupted.  Because while I doubted May’s love, I was certain I loved her.  It was impossible to love May’s eyes and this girl’s eyes!  Is this what my years with a variety of Comp girls had done to my brain?  Now I needed a different girl every year or something? I hated myself.  I wanted to be loyal, believe in one true love, all that. Occasionally my mind would take a break from kicking the shit out of me, and just laugh at me, replaying my thoughts in a mocking voice, “Wow, it is so amazing that we have SO much in common!  We both get cold in a dark, damp cave!  It’s love!”  Other times, my mind was my best friend, “It’s okay, you are young!  Do what you want!  This is the time to explore!  Enjoy your freedom!  You’re not married after all…”

Yes, I was spending way too much time in my head.  I was going nuts.  I was used to May balancing me out.  She never let me stay too long in my head- always going and physical, and light- she brought me up too.  I didn’t realize how much of my life I had spent kind of down, depressed before I met such a joyful person. 

Regardless of my thoughts, the ones justifying my desires or the ones that made me feel so small, my eyes, unbidden, would travel the room once more and my heart would beat faster anticipating seeing her again.

All of the sudden, she was there, the wild cat was standing in front of me.  “You should be careful.  A rattler might drop on your head.”

I knew I had jumped, because despite my looking she had managed to sneak up to me without me noticing, and without a sound.  But now I tried to act casual. “Okay, thanks for the warning.”  I continued gazing at the sky.  Then her eyes were there looking into mine.  We stared at each other.  I noticed how almond shaped her eyes were.  Wild cat was a perfect name.  “Wild Cat.”

She smiled a little, caught herself doing it and immediately went back to neutral.  “I like it.  You can call me that.  Or, Sophia.”

I grinned at her.  Then, she got down on her hands and knees, her body up alongside mine, and then she kissed me!  I pulled back, thinking of May.  Before I could say anything, she was walking away. I got up and followed her, but she had once again disappeared.  I decided I better steer clear of the library.