Hopeless Romance

Part Nine: Wandering Homeless and Finally Home. Chapter Twenty Nine

Weeks passed.  April was a rainy month.  I walked to the Spring almost daily, even in down pours.  It was my way of remembering May.  Her grave was sadness and death; the Spring was our shared joy and time, her alive and well.  Soon May’s birthday would be here and I dreaded the pain that would dredge up.  May had died ten months before, soon I’d have to relive that hellish day last July.  I felt dread thinking about those things; yet, I also felt happy that the strength of our love was such that it still hurt me: she was still in my heart, my thoughts, and my life.  Sometimes it seemed she had been gone forever, way longer than that, some memories already a little blurry although I tried to hold on to them, think about every detail, embed every memory I had of her deeply in every part of my brain.  Other times it felt like I had just lost her.

One night, I woke to Sophia on top of me.  For a moment I thought it was just a dream.  It was dark, but I could see she was wearing a little nightie. 

“Sophia, listen.  I’m not using you okay? You know I’ve always loved you.” 

She was undressing me silently.

“Sophia, talk to me.  Don’t do this, just to make me feel better.  You deserve more.  Look at me.”  I lit a candle.

She looked me in the eyes.  She was still angry, but desire matched it, burning just as hot in her eyes.  She began kissing down my chest.  I gently rolled out from under her.  She looked up shocked.

“Sophia, talk to me.” I whispered.

“What?  I know you love May, more than me…even now.  Even now. I don’t want to talk.  I want you.”

“I loved her differently.   I loved her more before… you had our babies… before our friendship…you changed.  I loved her more before you’d let me even know you.  I know you better now and I love you, not less, just differently.”

She stopped, staring deep into my eyes.  A single tear dropped.  “I still love you too.  I broke up with Denny.  It wasn’t fair to him.  Even if you didn’t love me, I knew I loved you.”

“I know baby.”  I kissed her hand, her finger tips, her neck, her chin.  Then, softly I kissed her lips, this time waiting for her to open them, soften, waiting for her tongue to find mine.  I stood up to light a few more candles.  I wanted to watch her, see her.  Sophia had always been confidently sexy.  Now she seemed unsure, nervous as I started to lift away her nightie.  She pulled away.

“Michael, I’m older now, I’ve born two children.  I’m nervous you expect me to look like I did when we were first together.  I’m not that girl anymore.” 

I looked at her.  “You are beautiful.  Many times after you had our babies, I marveled at your body in those tight jeans and shirts you wear.  Those high heeled boots up to your knees.”  She grinned.  She knew I always liked her boots.  “You still look amazing, so sexy.  I could never look long at you without arousing attention, if you know what I mean, so I began only allowing myself quick glances.  If I didn’t know you had children, I’d never guess you did.”  She looked doubtful.  “And, every mark, every change, our babies made on you makes me love you more because you brought them into my world.  I want to see you, stare as long as I want now to make up for all the time I couldn’t look at you.”

“Okay, maybe they make you love me more….maybe.  But, sexy?”

She still looked at me in disbelief.  I knew there were some things better said with touch.   For the first time, we made love.

It was wonderful.  It was horrible.  I felt like I had cheated on May again.  I had promised May I’d never be with Sophia again.  For once, Sophia stayed cuddled up in my arms but I couldn’t enjoy it as guilt riddled my gut.  Every time I closed my eyes to sleep, May’s eyes were there looking at me the way she had when I first told her about Sophia and I, so disappointed and sad.

I watched Sophia stretch like a cat as she woke.  She looked up at me smiling as big as I had ever seen.  Smile froze in place when I didn’t try to hide the tears falling down my face.  Slowly her lips turned downward. 

“Sophia, look, I’m sorry.  I’m sorrier than you’ll ever know.  I think I will heal and move on eventually.  But, I hurt May with being with you.  I still feel like I’m hurting and betraying her when I’m with you.  I can’t be with you.  Not you.  I need someone.  But, someone new, someone I didn’t hurt May with.” 

She recoiled, uncoiled from my body, naked, turning away from me.  She wrapped the blanket around herself, covering her badly shaking body. 

Sophia stood and faced me.  She was honest in her anger, her sadness, openly yelling and crying, “That’s not fair, holding that against me.  This is now, damn it, damn you! I’m not hurting May anymore and neither are you.  I stayed away while she lived though I was deeply in love with you.  Now you say, after being with me, being with me!  You couldn’t figure that out before??”  She was fighting back tears, vulnerability, trying to remain in her anger and cover up the rest but I saw tears clouding her eyes.  “I broke up with Denny!  Now you say, forever it’s impossible to be with me?  Seriously?”  Her eyebrows were furrowed more than I’d ever seen them. 

I expected her to punch me.  Instead, she leaned over and kissed me.  I felt the familiar spark, my heart beating faster, the way I always felt with her.  But, I leaned back, away.  Once she would have kept fighting, convincing me with kisses and advances, ignoring my feelings or somehow over ruling and changing, forcing, them.  Now she backed down.

“Okay, Michael.  Okay.”  She slowly gathered her clothes, not bothering to dress, walked away wrapped in my blanket. 

“I do love you Sophia.  I’m sorry,” I said to her back.  She didn’t turn around.

I sat staring at the door blanket for hours.  Part of me hoped she would walk back through, keep convincing me of my idiocy.  Part of me knew it wouldn’t do any good.   I knew now I still couldn’t be with Sophia.