Hopeless Romance

Chapter Fifteen

Sophia surprised me that night.  Before I was fully awake or sure this wasn’t a dream, without speaking, we were together again.   May had already moved out of the room by me.   There was some old guy there now.  I heard him snoring over Sophia’s quiet moans. 

“Didn’t you get enough already?”  I was more awake now.  I was torn. The thought of her with someone else made me feel sick, pissed.  Part of me wanted to get up, get her off of me.  Part of me never wanted her to stop.  Part of me wanted to please her so much that she never wanted anyone else.  She confused the hell out of me. She continued on as if I hadn’t spoken.  

You are the reason I broke up with May.”  I knew that wasn’t completely true.  After all, we were already kind of broken up when I first slept with Sophia.  But I knew I would have gone back to May when she returned from the R&R with Robert.  If I hadn’t been with Sophia, and still wanted her, and felt so much shame from another secret I had to hide from May or hurt her with.

She bit me on the ear, making me gasp.  “Be with me right here, right now,” she whispered. 

I was angry although I didn’t know why. It’s not like Sophia and I had made some commitment. She knew I was with someone else.  Why did it bother me that she had been with someone else?  My mind rationalized until I just shut it down and gave into what my body wanted.

I stayed awake this time when we were finished.   I didn’t want her to disappear.   I watched her sleep, or pretend to sleep.  Did she care for me at all?  After a while she opened those cat-like eyes and stared back into mine. 

“Sophia, you are not really a wild cat.  You are a human with feelings.  Is this animal pleasure all you want?  I have felt love.  We both deserve love.  I don’t even know you, to know if we are similar at all or to know if I could love you.  I know why I don’t feel good enough for love.  But, what have you done to treat yourself like this? Why do you hate yourself?  I mean, you help all these people, listen to their stories, and write them down.  Your record may help someday.  There is a lot of power in the pen. Even if those stories never see the light of day, even if no Rachiese are persuaded the war is wrong because of them, your listening to those horrible stories has helped many people feel lighter.  You helped me by letting me unload my past.  You have family that loves you, here alive with you.  Why do you do this?”

“I am a wild cat.  Does my being free have to mean I don’t like myself?”

“I feel sorry for you.”

“You will seek me out again.  You can’t stay away.  Next time you owe me two stories.” I knew she was right, I knew she would get those stories and more.

“You are a drug I wish I had never started.  I will wean myself off of you.  I know you are bad for me.”

 She jumped up, threw her clothes on and said, “See you soon.”

I tossed and turned all night, wrestling with my conscience.  I knew what I wanted and what I didn’t want.  As long as Sophia wasn’t near.

I stumbled in late to my meeting.  Rather than kicking me out of the community, Frank surprised me that morning by making me president of the Research and Strategy department. I was surprised that no one had told him about my fight with Robert, especially Robert. I was surprised that Sophia hadn’t told him about us.  Maybe they never kick people out of the caves because Rache could find them, torture them for information before killing them.  Frank had to keep me here or risk his community’s security.  This is what I kept telling myself.

I lost myself in work.  I went to meetings.  I thought about strategies.    The bad news was I didn’t even realize that April had flown by because I was so busy.  The good news: I was making a difference.  With every girl I helped save, I felt a piece of my self-esteem return, and I forgave myself again for being a part of hurting others.  Maybe I had been in prison, but I still had made choices.  I had known those Comp girls were forced into that, yet I still had sought them out.  Now, I could feel the scales tipping: I was more good than bad and so was my impact on the world.