Hopeless Romance

Chapter Twenty One

May had been getting antsy.  Like a wild animal she paced around the caves.  She wanted me to go with her to the Spring or the lake, multiple times a day.  At the lake she was running so much that a worn trail was visible around the perimeter.  I loved sitting on the shore and watching her move, red hair flying, leg muscles tightening.  And, of course, I still very much enjoyed the sight of her stripping down and swimming laps after running. 

It was wonderful watching her get stronger.  But I knew what was happening.

One day, she said the words I had been dreading.

May and I were lying naked in each other’s arms.  She whispered, “Michael.  I’m ready for another RR mission.  I want, no I need, to keep helping people.” 

“There are enough rescuers right now. Some of the girls you rescued are trained now.  You don’t have to pay for the wrongs others have done or made you do.  You have done enough, more than enough.”  I was stating the obvious and delaying saying how I really felt about it.  Of course she knew about the trained rescuers.  She trained them. 

Tears started to run down her face.  “Thank you for saying that.  I need to feel that within myself.  I know I need to learn to protect myself, stop putting myself in these dangerous positions.” 

That sounded sort of promising.  Then she continued.

“I don’t truly believe I have done enough.  I wish I did.  There is just so much that needs to be done, so many people that need me still. Whether it was my choice or not I was part of evil in the world, and I saw, I know, the hate, the injustice.  I can’t just turn my back on it, pretend it’s not there.  I have to fight it Michael.  Maybe a day will come when I no longer need to do it, but that’s not today.” 

I realized she was leaving again, and that I might lose her forever.  She wiped a tear that fell down my cheek and continued, “I know you want to protect me.  I love you.  You need to trust me.  I’ll come back to you.”

“I trust you.  I’m not worried about Robert or anyone else now.  But, you can’t promise that you will come back to me May. You can’t!”

Emerald eyes begged me to understand, accept her. “This is who I am Michael.  Do you love me, the real me?   I have to do RRs for my conscious.  I have to do this to feel alive.  I need the freedom and adventure I knew as a child.   If I don’t do this, I will die as surely as a bullet to the heart, just slower, torturously slow… the real me would disappear from this body even though I’d be standing in front of you breathing.  There is risk everywhere, anytime Rache could discover this cave.  I won’t live in fear.   I’m one of the best RRs.   I know what I am doing.”

She continued, very quietly, “I'm afraid if I don't go it will be the end of us too.  My world is very small right now.  You are my whole world, my life.  I need to trust you again with freedom; I know you need more space.” I had tried to hide how her love was making me feel caged once again. And, she had described feeling almost exactly how I had felt back in my prison home: like the walking dead.   I thought back to how vibrant and happy she was after a RR mission, the natural high she always returned on. 

She combed my hair back and kissed my tattoo.   My hair was now to my shoulders, straight and black, threaded in with her red curls on the pillow.  Her hair was so much curlier in the dampness of the cave than when I first saw her above ground.  I loved it like this- wild, messy.  She was wild.  I knew I had to let her go but I couldn’t find the words. 

Then I jumped as I heard Sophia’s voice, “Come on Michael, trust her, let her go.”  Talk about bad timing.

May was the first one up, pulling on her clothes.  I said, “Just ignore her, and come back.”