Hopeless Romance

Part Six: Consequences and Rewards. Chapter Eighteen

I shook from head to toe outside May’s room.  I stared at her blanket.  I just kept staring.  Maybe a half hour or more passed and finally I said,” May are you in there?”  She had told me at lunch she was ready to hear my story if I still wanted to tell her it.

It was quiet.   I felt her hesitation.  Then she said just loud enough for me to hear, “Come in.”  I lifted the blanket. 

She was sitting on her bed and motioned me to sit on a chair nearby.  “You can sit down."  She was guarded, unsure, scared.

I moved it so I could face her. 

 “Thanks.” 

“Okay.  You’re really sure you want to do this?” she asked.

“Yes.  I want you to know me.   I’m still scared for all the reasons I wouldn’t tell you before.  Mostly I don’t want to hurt you.”

She said, “I can handle it.  I’m stronger than you know.”

I hurried to explain better what I meant, “I know you are strong.  I do.  You rescued me.  You told your truth without hesitation. Watching you work so hard to recover from your wound has been so inspiring.  I just really hate to be the one that hurts you.”

“This wall between us, your distance, hurt me.  Trust me to be strong enough for your truth.  Trust my love.  Like I said before it is unconditional.”  She moved close to me and then surprised me by kissing my lips.  Since she was shot we had spent a lot of time together, but every time I had tried to hug or kiss her she had moved or looked away.  We had just been hanging out like friends. 

I didn’t want that kiss to end.  After I told her everything, I was afraid I’d never feel her lips on mine again.

“I’m also so scared because I know now how much I love you.  I want to spend my life with you.  You are my best friend. I also want you to know that I want you.  Right now, looking at your beautiful body, I want you so bad.    I’ve always wanted you.  What happened with us, why I couldn’t make love to you, was because I love you.  I know, I know, that doesn’t make sense.  I’ve hidden things from you because I worried you would judge me and find that I wasn’t good enough for you.  I worried you would hate me, think less of me.  It was never rejection of you.  But, my secrets, my guilt made me feel sick every time I got turned on.   It had nothing to do with you.  You know you turned me on.”   I was looking at the bed, but I glanced up at her.  She was smiling.  We were both remembering how right we had felt together.

She held my hand.

“But you were right, I need to tell you these things or we don’t stand a chance.  They are eating me up inside.  I don’t stand a chance if I don’t tell you.”    I took a deep breath and another.  It didn’t calm me as much as I had hoped.  My stomach still felt like it was turning inside out. She just sat there patiently waiting, love shining from her eyes.                                                    

“Okay, May.  Here it is.  I regularly spent time with Comp girls before you rescued me.  When you told me about your sister, when you described her, I recalled one, very tall, flowing like.  I thought back to her face and realized you both look very similar.  I didn’t realize it until that moment, I mean her hair was long and blond not red like yours and your bodies are pretty different.  But, when you were telling me about your sister the truth hit me hard.  I suddenly knew I had been with your sister; I was part of her hell.”

She swallowed hard.  She wasn’t looking at me anymore but at the ground.  She was trying to hide them, but I saw tears falling. 

“I wish that was all.  There is more.” I mumbled.