Chilly

9. There Ain't Nothing For Me Out Here

Jennie's P.O.V.

"Okay. Goodnight, Lisa."

As she walks away to enter her room, I stare at her, not knowing what to do.

I really mean it. Whatever happens, Lisa will never lose me again. I can't bear to see the hurt in her face.

But I understand her hesitation. She doesn't know what will happen, and she's just trying to protect herself.

I'm not going to lie, I'm disappointed with how she reacted. I know, she had every right to be like that, but I just wish things ended differently.

I am sure that she's thinking about the fact that I have a boyfriend. But, God, it's getting harder for me to resist Lisa as time goes by. Do I like her? I don't even know. I'm being selfish, though. I know that Lisa used to have feelings, if not until now, and I'm taking advantage of it. She's not pushing me away, though, and that's a good thing. I know I said that I'm not even close enough to be someone she needs right now, since I'm a mess, but I just can't help it.

The guilt, though. It's always there, but after tonight I'm sure it will be way worse. And whose fault is it? Mine. I'm turning out to be the shittiest person in the world. I'm kissing a girl who I'm not even sure I like while I have a boyfriend whose texts I'm not responding to.

I collapse on the carpeted floor and bury my face in my hands. Lisa or Jongin? It's inevitable. I will end up hurting one of them, and I'm not sure if I can handle it.

"What do I do?" I ask myself, tears blurring my eyes and threatening to fall. What do I do with my boyfriend? Jongin is amazing, really. He is everything a woman should look for in a man. He's perfect, patient, kind, warm and every single good thing in the world. I don't deserve him by a long shot. He shouldn't want me at all. He should be with someone who will love him wholeheartedly.

And I can't tell Jisoo unnie or Chaeyoung, they'd be so disappointed in me. They would see how shitty of a person I am. I've always seen myself as the black sheep of the group; I'm always swamped with issues, I always mess things up, and I just can't do anything right.

I enter my room, and fall on my bed. Tonight feels like the turning point of everything. Good or bad, I'm not sure yet.

--

My eyes follow Jongin's as he sits down next to me. We're in a private room at his favorite restaurant. He's wearing a white shirt inside of a blazer, and black jeans paired with dress shoes, since he just came from a meeting regarding his group's contracts with SM Entertainment. "Hey," he says, kissing my temple as he settles in his seat. "I really missed you. We haven't been able to see each other, and you've been busy so we hardly text, but I'm really glad to see you right now."

I smile at him, and lift my glass of red wine. "I am too." I take a sip, and damn this tastes amazing. "I'm really sorry I haven't been able to respond to your text messages last night, I was with my members." I'm lying to him again.

"How are the preparations with the tour?" He asks.

I shrug. "Going pretty well, I guess. Shows are getting sold out pretty quickly." I watch him as he chews on his salad, his eyes locked in on me. "How have you been?"

"Same old, just been doing some photoshoots lately, but my schedule isn't even as close to busy as yours," he replies, chuckling. "I'm going to miss you when you go on tour for a few months."

I don't say anything but I give him a smile. What do I say? God, this is killing me. "Yeah, it'll be hard, away from home and all." Yeah, way to fucking go, Jennie. But what can I do? I can't say it back. I feel like it would just worsen everything.