Chilly

12. I'll Stop Asking Questions, You Take Care

1 month later

Jennie

The crowd is wild tonight. Thailand is crazy! Their energy is amazing. Although it's almost ending, I don't want it to. The four of us are sitting, catching all kinds of gifts the audience is throwing at us.

"Tonight has truly been amazing, Thailand," Chaeyoung says into her mic. The intro of our song Hope Not plays, and the crowd falls silent. "Right now, I just want you guys to stay silent, and feel the music." I sway mindlessly, trying not to mind the growing lump in my throat.

I open my mouth, and sing.

I sit by the window where cool air blows

I think of you while looking at the far sky

Lisa and Mina have been officially together for a few weeks now, and I hate that I couldn't do anything about it. Now that Mina's in the picture, Lisa's smiles are wider and happier, like she was holding back before.

It first came as a shock to me when I knew. She told the three of us over breakfast. Lisa just blurted it out. Me, Chaeyoung and Jisoo did not expect it at all.

I haven't been able to talk to her about my attempt to kiss her, but it seems like she forgot about it. I'm glad that she's finally found happiness in another person, but it just hurts so much for some reason.

And I'm stupid for still not breaking up with Jongin. I know, I'm hurting him but I never know when the right time to break up with him is. I'm so cruel for thinking about it, but he's going to get hurt if I don't stop whatever it is between us.

I must be a fool who can't be helped

Even when the four seasons change, I don't

My heart softens at Lisa's voice. She's closing her eyes, focusing on the song rather than anything else. She's still beautiful as ever. But we're both not sitting together. It's an unspoken agreement between us. We act cordial on camera, but once it's off, it's okay to act like the other doesn't exist. We still do talk and interact, but the difference is so obvious that even my members have caught on. They don't know the reason why, though. Chaeng and Jisoo unnie say that it's a horrible way to treat each other, but what can I do? If this is what she wants, then I'll give it to her.

They say there's no point in regretting but

I'll keep thinking of you

I will smile if I see you as if nothing happened

Damn the person who wrote this song. I try to swallow the sadness, but every note and lyric of this song sends me deeper. Why do I feel like I can relate to this song? I force a smile, and sing along with my members. I need to show that I'm strong enough.

For you I'm okay with being hurt

Since I only gave you pain during the time we were together

My eyes turn back to Lisa, who's eyes are on the crowd, watching our fans intently. She deserves this. I've hurt her so many times that I don't think I can even forgive myself. I just want to see her happy, even if that happiness that she has isn't because of me.

I have feelings for Lisa.

It's something that I still haven't quite given the time to think about. Because when I dwell on it, my chest feels heavier, and guilt and regret eats me up. I've just been so confused about what I felt for her that I didn't even consider the possibility that I liked her.

I don't know if I'm gay or not, but I'm sure that what I feel for Lisa is real and something that took so much time to figure out. That explains why whenever I see her, butterflies appear in my stomach. Whenever she smiles, my heart doubles in size. Whenever she looks at me, time seems to stop.