Chilly

18. All Of The Things Left Unsaid

Jennie's P.O.V.

"You guys what?"

I sigh heavily, and I try not to let the lump in my throat suffocate me. It's been hard. Amidst my break up, there's also the tour, and the weird tension between Lisa and I, and I just... I'm so lost. I haven't been getting enough rest and it's taking it's toll on me.

"Yeah."

Irene huffs, and her eyebrows furrow together. She looks like she doesn't believe what I said. "Jongin proposed to you... and you said no?" she asks, like she's still hoping she heard me wrong.

"Yep."

The Red Velvet member sits on the couch in my hotel room, and looks at me. I'm really glad their concert in America overlapped with ours, so we get to spend a few hours together. I'm sure she was hoping for a fun day, but instead I dropped this bomb on her.

"But why? Aren't you both happy with each other? At least that's what he's been telling me."

There's that question. I could easily lie, right? I could tell Irene that I'm not ready to be engaged.

But the back of my mind is nagging me to just tell her the absolute truth, but what will she think of me once I tell her?

I'm sure she'll never look at me the same way anymore. For fuck's sake, I cheated on Jongin multiple times, and I know he deserves to be this mad at me.

Lisa seems to be in good terms with herself at the moment. She seems much more at ease, and I'm really happy for her, because she deserves it more than anyone else, after everything that she's been through.

I really fucked it up.

The two people who cared for me the most, now they're slipping away from my grasp.

And it's because of my selfishness and greed.

I was only thinking about myself.

It's happening.

The one thing I was so afraid of. God... if I could only rewind time and do things right.

I really need to get this off my chest.

"I..." my voice falters. I can't even bring myself to say it.

What do I say?

That I'm in love with Lisa and there's nothing I can do anymore?

Irene doesn't push me to say anything, she just waits. Even as a trainee, I've always admired her through the screen in my TV back home. She's always seemed like this cool and collected woman who knows exactly what to do every single time.

We're only a few years apart, but Irene carries so much maturity and respect around that it's hard not to look up to her.

"You see..."

I clear my throat. "I..."

Do I say it?

The older one sighs, and places a hand on my shoulder delicately. "Look, Jennie. If you can't say it, it's completely fine. I don't want you to be uncomfortable around me," she says softly, and gives me a reassuring smile. "Take as much time as you need."

She won't say the same once she knows the truth.

That realization feels like a punch in the gut. Irene is one of the only few people who I still trust, and I know that she won't tell anyone.

Fear and anxiety starts to creep up again, somehow making the air ten times colder and sharper to breathe in.

"No, unnie. I want to tell you the truth. I need you to know." She must've seen the tears starting to pool in my eyes, because she squeezes my hand.