What I will never understand with any of my being is why I try so goddamn hard to please people.
There are people that reappear in my life on a daily basis who I have no intentions of being friends with.
people who take advantage of others
people who are so insanely loquacious that they make my brain go to sleep
people who are just generally unpleasant to be around
It doesn't matter who they are, it doesn't matter how they wronged me or how they continue to do so. I just cannot go through my day knowing that they consciously do not like me.
So they are rude, and I am nice back.
They bitch at me, and I compliment them.
It isn't even a kindness thing or "treat others how you want to be treated" because it isn't my choice. like somewhere within myself, there is just this massive necessity for human approval and affection rooted so deeply into my being and my personality.
One is literally the most misogynistic asshole, and I try my best every day in gym class football just to be accepted by him.
I fucking hate him! I do! so much! he makes me want to punch something!
but I need to be liked by him or else I will shrivel up into nothing by the end of the day.
