Today I was looking into a mirror wondering whose reflection it is. It sure don't look like mine, at least not the old me, the happy me. The longer I look the longer I wonder is this really what I have become. I started crying thinking about how I look and feel
"why am I fat and ugly" "why can't I be thin and pretty" "why am I not enough" "why does everyone want me to change I can't become the person they want pretty dresses just arent meant for ugly people like me nor are treatments they are meant for the pretty girls not me, never me" "why can't I smile for real" "why do I feel so numb" "why do my emotions make me feel like someone else" "why can't I go back in time back to when I was alright and not sinking into this deep black hole called depression" "why am I so unlikable" "why can't I acheive perfection" "why am I such a worthless daughter" "why am I such a terrible sister" "why am I so lost" "why am I so broken" "why does my heart hurt so much" "why am I so weak" "why am I dead inside" "why don't I fit in" "why can't I be like other girls fancy dresses, pretty hair, dazzling smile, skinny and beautiful" "why am I no longer me" "who the hell have I become"
These thought were in my head and it hurts to see myself like this I was a bright kid now I'm just barely coping always lying saying "I'm fine" but I'm not. I don't know whats wrong all I know is that nothing's right. I just want to change go back to being who I was, not this thing I now am. I don't even know anymore I feel like I'm drowning but just not dying and no one can see it, no one can see how much I've changed, how unhappy I've become, how sad I am, how much I want to die.
I'm just empty and I feel like I'm missing something and that thing is happiness yet I can't have it and it hurts to know, to know my fate is sadness and pain. I grew up with two real friends and I always remained distant cause I'm far my head it's in space but my body is right here. i don't know why I still try and achieve perfection I always fail and it's getting pretty sad watching my own failure.
I am here now and that is proof that my war with myself isn't over, it's just getting started and I'm afraid I'll die trying to win this war, but I'm going to fight because winning this war means I'm strong and thats exactly what I want to be no matter how many times I feel like I want to give up I won't not until my very last breath and if I do give up it's because I wasn't a fighter till put in battle I learned to fight these wars with myself all alone no teacher no coach no instructor just me, myself and I and sometimes you need help to win but I have not gotten any so if I lose this war I will die in vein cause the world around me is the one to blame.
YOU ARE READING
Feeling pain
Poetry-TRIGGER WARNING -All poems are written by me -These poems are sad and are about self harm, bullying, neglect, abuse, pain, relationships, cheating, racism, sexuality etc... -That's all thx for taking your time to read my poems.
