Aching for Adam

Chapter 8

As I look into his eyes, everything else fades away. I had expected to see him tonight, I had expected it would be hard, but never expected it to be this bad. I could barely keep my gaze locked with his.

After all this time, how could he still have that effect on me? I thought I was at peace with my decision to leave him. Or maybe I just didn't let myself regret it. He was here, standing in front of me, his gaze penetrating deep into my soul as though trying to communicate a thousand words without saying one.

A chill runs up and down my spine. Goosebumps start erupting along my arms and tears threaten to fall. It hits me so hard, I don't have a choice but to whisper, "I'm sorry", and scramble to get away from him, for him not to see me getting so emotional. It was irrational.

I find a dark corner near the edge of the house and decide it's hidden well enough that I can let a couple of tears fall while I struggle to get myself together again.

"Elle, are you okay?" He had followed me here.

I turn around and blink, letting the last of my tears fall down my cheeks. It's too late anyway, he'd undoubtably seen how upset I was. Seeing him, his family, the life I had missed out on for the past few years, the life I could still be part of if I hadn't left. Would it have been us getting married tonight instead? The torture of wondering if I had made the right decision, and the fact that it was too late to ever get another chance.

"I'm fine," I whisper, afraid that speaking up would make my voice shake.

"Talk to me, what's going on?" his face is full of concern. His arm half extends, but he stops himself before touching me.

It was just making things worse, seeing him trying to be there for me, the feeling of it being so natural to want to open up to him.

"I guess it's just... seeing you again... this is so ridiculous, I'm sorry. You must think I'm pathetic," I swallow hard and continue, "I don't want to make things awkward, please go back and enjoy the party." All of a sudden I feel guilty. Because I had done it in the past, made things awkward. It was so hard for me to leave him in the end, when we broke up, that he had to give me a figurative nudge to push me out the door. It's not that he wanted me to leave, but I think the pain was just too much; he needed me to rip the band-aid off. I see that now. I saw it almost immediately after leaving. But I had needed him to comfort me, because he was the one I wanted comforting from. However, it was an impossible position to put him in. It wasn't right.

"Please... don't say that. I'm the one that's sorry about this. To be honest, seeing you again... it's not exactly a picnic for me either," he sighs. "What can I do to make you feel better?" He takes a step closer. Tentatively, he takes another, and places a hand on my arm.

I look up at him, look down at his hand, and my heart picks up the pace.

He sees another tear roll down my cheek and his hand instantly raises to gently wipe it off. His hand lingers. Another step.

My heart's pounding in my chest now. I want to leap into his arms and kiss him for all I'm worth. I want to taste his lips and feel his body. I want to have him, all of him, right here, right now. There isn't anyone around, and I feel like I'm in a private bubble with him, for a moment in time.

If he took another step, I wouldn't be able to resist.

And he does.

At that moment, as if he can read my mind, he crashes into me and claims my lips.

Waves of need come crashing down on me. I pull him closer, tug on his clothes, claw at his back while he fists my hair; but nothing is enough. He pushes me gently against the back wall and slides a hand on my thigh through the slit of my dress. I feel a heat coming from my core.

He pulls my leg up to his hip and slides his hand back down to my ass. If we don't put an end to this now, I won't be able to stop myself from taking him. I can barely contain myself and the moans threatening to escape my lips.

As if he senses my thoughts, he slows his pace. His mouth descends on my neck, he growls against my skin, but the kisses become softer, and slower. He finally raises his head and looks straight into my eyes. His green eyes are dark with lust.

Adam blinks and looks down, shakes his head and bolts after muttering, "sorry".

"What just happened?" I mumble to myself. I'm left standing in a dark corner, all alone. I take a moment to collect myself, flatten down my hair and dress and make my way back to the party with a poker face.

I glance around the gardens trying to look casual and not like I'm searching for him; just in case he's looking at me. But he isn't, he isn't here. My eyes fall on the bride, looking at her groom like he's the most amazing thing she's ever seen, and I wonder if I will ever get a taste of what that feels like. Being married, looking at your husband like that...

All of a sudden I feel the tears coming back, and as much as it pains me to know I'll never see Adam again, I know that it's time to leave.

I say goodnight to Suzie and Nathan fairly quickly, fuelled by my need to bolt and return to the safety of my hotel room. I can't stay here one more minute.

Thank god I'd had the sense to book a hotel room that was close to the venue, so that I didn't have to drive back home in the state of pain, shock and confusion I was in.