Aching for Adam

Chapter 13

I make it to the pharmacy a few minutes before it closes. I chose a pharmacy that's outside of town, I'm not really sure why, I just feel better about it. For some reason, it feels like I'm doing something wrong. I'm afraid of coming face to face with someone I know while holding a pregnancy test in my hands.

I go through half of the isles before finding the tests, and then I just stand there in front of them, overwhelmed, because I have no idea what to pick.

What am I doing here? Am I actually possibly pregnant? With Adam's baby? How did I get here?

My breathing starts to accelerate and I know I need to calm myself down before I have a panic attack.

"It's just a test," I tell myself. I'm probably just late. It's happened before. It's fine.

I fan myself with my hand and I hear a chuckle coming from behind me, "Kind of confusing, right?"

I gulp loudly because I instantly recognize that voice. My face heats up and I know my cheeks are a lovely shade of crimson. I shut my eyes for a second, cursing myself for not going to my usual pharmacy. I slowly turn around and face Suzie.

"Suz, hey," I try to sound happy to see her, but even I'm not fooling myself.

There's a moment of uncomfortable silence; she knew things weren't going well with Rick and that I couldn't be super thrilled about possibly being pregnant with his baby. Although, this would be Adam's child. I know it, but she doesn't. Adam's a private person, and I'm 99.9% sure he didn't tell her about our night together.

"What are you doing all the way down here?" She asks, her voice softened by a trace of pity.

"Uh, I was just meeting with a client at the cafe down the street, and I figured I'd stop along the way." I answer. "How was the honeymoon?"

"Amazing, we really had a great time," she says, adding a few details about her month in Fiji. I smile politely and try to listen to the words she's saying. All the while I'm wondering if there's a way I can get out of this situation with a plausible explanation. Can I say I'm buying a test for a friend? Or maybe that I'm looking at another product near the tests? Not that it makes me look any better, considering what's in this section of the aisle.

"Here, it's the one I used when I thought I was pregnant last year," she gives me a half-hearted smile.

"Thanks," I say. "Uh, look, I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone Suz. I don't want to make things awkward." It's a long shot, but if she doesn't suspect anything, she might not tell Adam.

"Of course, Elle. I just want you to know that I'm here for you, even if we don't see each other as much. Anything you need, let me know." She places my hand in hers and gives it a light squeeze.

"Thanks Suz, I'm probably just late," I give her an unconvincing chuckle and slap the air in front of me. She smiles sadly.

I need to get out of here.

"Anyways, I'll just go with this one," I grab the box Suzie was pointing towards and start walking towards the register. "Have a good night, Suz".

"Elle!" she calls out, but I'm already out of sight.

I pay for the test and gun it back home as fast as I can.

___

ADAM

After Jasmine left, I hadn't had time to clean the apartment, at all. So I decide today is as good a day as any to do just that. A good spring cleaning; getting rid of any trace of the stuff she left behind will make it easier to pretend it never happened. That sounds a bit harsh, but I'd rather just move on as quickly as I can. Not that there is anywhere I want to go but back to Elle.

The voice inside of me is cursing at me, reminding me I left her after our night together, and never called her back. Yeah, it was a lame excuse I had given myself that she said her boyfriend's name while she slept. She had just spent the night with me for fuck's sake.

The truth is, I couldn't stand to get hurt again, not after the gaping hole she left me with never healed. Not even a bit.

I had always regretted not going after her. Not following her, not even considering it. It was a great opportunity for her, but, too set in my ways, and content with my routine, I hadn't even considered moving. To be honest, I kind of thought she wouldn't do it, it was so out of character for her. But she did. And I pettily felt angry at her for putting her job before me. But it was a mistake, and when I realized it, it was too late. I was a blatant idiot, and a coward to boot.

Of course, I could have gone after her. I could have quit my job and found any finance consulting job near her. I wasn't particularly attached to my job, I mean, I liked it, but it wasn't my dream job at all.

I wasn't into big gestures either. So I tried to move on with a slew of different women, and when one night stands didn't do it, because all I did was compare each of them to Elle, I tried settling down with Jasmine, a good woman who I thought could finally make me move on. But I never really did in the end. I thought the pain and regret would eventually disappear, but they never did.

And now that I might actually have a second chance, I was completely blowing it. Again. What's fucking wrong with me?

I reach towards the back of my bedside table drawer and pull out a box I immediately recognize, with a squeeze of my chest. It was like I'd summoned it. It was hidden behind a bunch of junk that I never bothered to clear out until now. Was it pure coincidence that I started my cleanup here?

I open the box and the ring shimmers in the light as I tilt in to each side in my hand. My grandmother's ring.

The ring my grandmother gave me after a mere month of dating Elle. She had told me that when she saw the way I looked at her, that she knew she was the one, because that's how my grandfather looked at her when they first got married. She had literally taken it off her finger, and given it to me, saying it would bring us good luck. Her eyes glimmered with tears as I watched her look at my grandfather's photo. She passed away a year later, and it still hurts me to know she never got to see it on Elle's finger.

I was planning to give it to Elle on the night she told me about the job. I had planned the whole thing, and when I had told her I was planning a special night for her, she had told me she also had news for me. Then, she'd started by telling me about the opportunity and how she really wanted to take it. After that, I didn't propose because it didn't feel right for some reason, especially since I started to sense what was coming, that she might be leaving me. And I just ended up never doing it.

Now that I look back, although at the time I didn't think it would have been good timing to ask her, it's exactly when I should have done it. Engaged, committed, we probably would have worked harder to figure things out instead of giving up as quickly as we did.

Stupid. That's what I tell myself over and over again. Not just today, but ever since she left. I should have swallowed my pride and gone after her.

And I'll be damned if I let that woman slip away again without a fight. She's mine, always has been and always will be.

Surprise takes hold of me, because I've never been the possessive type. Losing her just made me feel strongly about claiming her and making her mine forever. She belongs with me, and I belong to her.

I promised myself a long time ago that if I ever got another chance, I wouldn't ever let her go. And at that moment I feel a new resolve take seed in me, and I leap to my feet, ring in my hand.

I have to see her. Now.