Aching for Adam

Chapter 15

After a peaceful night, I wake up smiling, remembering I'm not alone anymore. I know I have a very full day of research and preparation ahead of me. I have no idea what I'm doing, but I want to try my best to do it right. I call my assistant and tell her I'll be out of the office for the day, again.

I know I'll have to eventually call my mom and tell her, but for now, I want it to be just us for a little while longer.

Except that I need to tell Adam. Soon. He has a right to know.

I ponder the best way to tell him as I have breakfast, and decide to keep it simple, and face to face.

I text him, "I need to talk to you, it's important."

No reply.

I get dressed and make my way to the closest book store. I end up buying 8 books on parenting and 3 on baby names, and figure that ought to be enough to get me started.

I drive back home and instead of opening any of my books, I plop down on my couch, open my laptop, and a solid five hours of googling ensues.

Still no answer from Adam, so I decide to go to bed and call him in the morning. I try not to get upset that he hasn't answered, but I just can't seem to relax. I toss and turn for an hour or two before I can finally fall asleep.

24 hours later, still no reply.

I decide that if he can't even reply to a text message, then he sure as hell doesn't deserve to know about the baby.

Okay, maybe I'm overreacting a little. But I know that I can do this on my own. He can be part of the baby's life if he wants, or not. No need to stress about telling him, it doesn't change anything. I'm just anxious because I want to hear his voice. But it's okay.

I can just leave him a voice message saying that I need to speak with him urgently, and if he doesn't call me back, then so be it. I won't hunt him down and force him to listen to me, nor will I tell him I'm pregnant over voicemail. If he doesn't respond, the message is clear: he doesn't want anything to do with me.

"Then it's decided." I nod my head with purpose.

But a pinching sensation takes hold of my heart.

In need of some fresh air, I grab my jacket and head for the door. I swing it open and Adam is standing there. Right there on my doorstep, his right fist raised to knock. It sucks the wind out of me and I'm stunned for a few seconds.

"Hey. I'm sorry, is this ok? I know you live with your boyfriend I just...needed to see you. I can come back." He seems like he's 4 levels passed nervous. Which is not a shade I'm used to seeing on him.

"Hi," is all I managed to whisper. If at all possible, he looks even more handsome than the night of the wedding, with his loose tee and dark skinny jeans. His dark hair is tousled and his emerald eyes hold mine in an intense gaze. I can see his chiseled jaw twitch and the corner of his lips pull up slightly. I want to pull him in and never let him escape, I want to feel his body crushed against mine, and I want to tell him how much I still love him after all this time.

But I can't. And to top it off, telling him I'm pregnant with his child is not something I can handle, all of a sudden. My hands start to shake.

"I'm sorry, it's fine," I blurt out. "He doesn't, I'm not..." I sigh heavily and take the time to collect my thoughts for a seconds on my next inhale.

"I'm happy you're here, thanks for coming. Rick isn't here, we're not...together anymore." His eyes widen almost imperceptibly. "Would you like to come in?" Great, I can form complete sentences.

"Sure, I'd love to," he gives me a lopsided smile that makes my heart stop, and walks in.

"I gather you got my text?" I smirk, lifting my eyebrows. A spark of annoyingness takes over before I can bite my tongue.

"Yeah, sorry." He lowers his head. "I wasn't sure what to do about it at first. To be honest I was in and out of meetings yesterday, and, as soon as I decided I wanted to see you, I came straight here." He gulps loudly. "I honestly...that morning, after...I was prepared to walk out of your life and never see you again."

Ouch.

Well, he's in for a surprise.

"My sister told me...about the pharmacy..." He mutters, lifting his gaze. "I guess congratulations are in order?"

Dammit Suzie. My breath hitches. He knows. My throat starts to close.

I can't seem to find any coherent words to say. I can't even find my voice. His face begins to twist in a tight frown.

How do I tell him? How do I even start? C'mon Elle, just say something!

"Well, good luck with your baby, I'm happy for you," Adam finally says. But happy doesn't seem to be his main emotion judging by the look on his face. Horror would have been a better descriptive.

"Um..." I place my hand on my heart. That ought to calm it, no?

"Are...are you ok?" He extends his arm towards me.