You're Blooming the Wrong Way

Chapter Thirty-Seven

I kept my gaze on the purplish horizons filled with stars that seemed dead in my eyes tonight. Despite the squint of light that each star illuminated, I couldn't get myself to appreciate the beauty of the starry night skies. Even the luminous moon didn't seem appealing to me.

My heart hurts so bad. Iyon lang ang nararamdaman ko ngayon.

It was already past midnight, but I was still wide awake. My mind wandered into nowhere, until I felt myself drowning in the sea of my dangerous thoughts. Hindi ako makatulog. Sa tuwing iniisip kong aalis na si Haru bukas, talagang nalulungkot ako.

"Lars?"

Bitbit ang paborito kong unan, lumabas ako at nagtungo sa kwarto ng kapatid ko. Tatlong beses akong kumatok bago ko tuluyang binuksan ang kanyang pinto. Naabutan ko siyang nakahiga sa kama at mukhang naalimpungatan siya mula sa pagtulog.

He groaned. "What do you want, bitch?"

"I can't sleep." I replied in a small voice.

He heaved out a deep sigh. When we were kids, I used to do this, too. Kapag hindi ako makatulog, pumupunta ako sa kwarto ni Lars at tumatabi ako sa kanya. He's my comfort zone. My brother undeniably changed, but he's still the person who can calm me down when I'm shaken.

He moved over a bit to give some space for me. Lars yawned lazily as signaled me to join him on the bed. "Come here, my dear sister."

I quietly entered his room. Tinabihan ko na si Lars na tila wala pa sa huwisyo dahil sa labis na antok. Tumagilid na siya mula sa akin at mukhang babalik na siya sa pagtulog. Nanahimik ako.

Sa hindi malamang dahilan, bigla na lang akong napaluha.

He clicked his tongue. "Umiiyak ka ba?"

"No." Napasinghap ako. "I'm not crying."

Thankfully, he didn't turn around to face me. Pasimple kong pinunasan ang mga luha ko. "I heard from Hana. Aalis na raw si Haru bukas? Nakapag-usap na ba kayo?" inaantok niyang sabi sa akin.

"Hmm."

"How do you feel, Lucy? Nagsisisi ka na ba?"

Those words rendered me speechless. To be honest, I don't know what to feel. Lately, I've been doing things aimlessly without any sense of purpose at all. Para bang may kulang, at pakiramdam ko wala na akong ginawang tama.

"I made a lot of bad decisions, Lars." sagot ko. "I regret becoming close to Hana when you were fast asleep. I regret dating Haru when I don't even like him at first. I regret kissing Hana despite the fact that I'm already taken." I spat those words as if they were poison.

"In the eyes of other people, I'm nothing but a slut. Shit happened to me because I was selfish and greedy. I was desperate to be loved. Ngayong may mga nagmamahal sa akin, hindi ko na alam kung saan ako lulugar. In the end, I hurt both of them."

This time, I didn't hold back. Tuluyan na akong napaiyak. Lars didn't say anything, as if he wanted me to take my time. Hinayaan lang niya akong umiyak hanggang sa maubos ang mga luha ko.

"You know," He broke the silence. "I have always envied you for being free-spirited, Lucy. I remember how stubborn you were. Hirap na hirap ang mga magulang natin na mapasunod ka dahil matigas ang ulo mo at sobrang bayolente mo. You've always been like that." I don't know if it's just my imagination, but Lars seemed to be happy as he reminisced our childhood memories.

"Our parents gave up on you, so all the pressure was put on me. Pero kahit sinasabi ng mga tao na wala kang kwenta at ako lang ang may kinabukasan sa ating dalawa, madalas parin akong mainggit sayo." I pursed my lips upon hearing his confession.