𝕊𝕋𝕆ℝ𝕀𝔼𝕊 𝔽ℝ𝕆𝕄 𝔸 𝕎𝕆ℝ𝔻 ～ 𝘑𝘢𝘮𝘦𝘴 𝘔𝘤𝘈𝘷𝘰𝘺

53 - [JM] Nadir

N A D I R
noun [ney-der, ney-deer]

The lowest point; point of greatest adversity or despair.

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Today marks a month from the day that changed mine and [y/n]'s lives. The light from our future was taken away and it makes us question 'why?' every single moment.

We didn't ask for it, no one could ask for such a thing but regardless... it happened, and we couldn't have done anything to change it. It's events like those where one realises how small and insignificant they can be in the universe.

One can't be selfish and only think about themselves. They can't continue to mope about even though it was a tragedy... even though it still remains and always will remain a tragedy of our lives.

But no matter how rationale someone is, the pain of losing someone continues to live on.

It was a month ago when I drove my wife to the hospital in a rush early in the afternoon. She was crying her heart out while sitting in the passenger seat, she had none exactly what had happened even though I kept telling her to stay optimistic.

We left the house in a mess. Her nightgown and the sheets in a pile on the bathroom floor, dyed red. She was a complete mess. I was panicking inside but I had to stay sane for my wife... It's my job.

The day was a blur of commotion and stress. I barely remember what had happened except for the words 'miscarriage' and 'loss' echoing in my head for hours on end no matter where I was. Whether I was by her side or seated in the waiting area, the same thoughts played in my head like a broken record.

That I wasn't going to be a father anymore...

That my excitement has been shattered...

That people around me are going to give me looks of pity and words of consolement when its all bullshit...

And worst of all, I would hate seeing [y/n] broken and torn apart by everything she has been through. I can never imagine how she would feel and I hate that.

When we came home, she was quiet. I didn't want to bother her much and give her some space. I sat at the kitchen counter and felt like writing, and so I did. I took a sheet of lined paper lying around on one of her desk drawers and picked up a black pen, and started writing down words that I thought made sense together at the moment.

Dear little Angel,

I read a quote on my laptop once that said, "Some people make the world special just by being in it". Funny to say that it reminds me of you.

Did you know that your mother was so overjoyed one day that she pulled me up from the couch as soon as I got home and dragged me to the mall nearby? You mummy never tires out, unlike daddy. She bought all these clothes and toys for you to play with and all her excitement grew onto me too. That's the day we got your crib, and the beautiful wooden mobile hanging above it.

Daddy and Mummy held a party for you one day because we wanted to tell everyone that you were going to be living at our house for your whole life... or at least till you go to college! Everyone who came were so happy. Both your granddads and grandmums were there and they couldn't believe it at first.

While there were many days where there were people we loved around us, there were mostly days when it was just me and mummy together... with you as well, of course.

Did you know that your mother sleeps so peacefully? It takes me ages to fall asleep but your mum sleeps in an instant. I wish I had that superpower... I think you'll have that power, love. Teach me, would you?

Mummy could sleep very easily, anywhere, but you didn't let here sometimes, did you? You're mischevious before even being born, how are we supposed to deal with you? Your kicks were so strong and Mummy would tell me that you'd be moving all the time. You seemed to never rest. You were looking forward to meeting us, right?

I have a smile on my face, with tears in my eyes, thinking about you while I'm writing this. Even though I didn't get to meet you, that you didn't get a chance to make the world special, you will always be someone special to me. You were going to change your daddy and mummy's lives... You were going to transform a man and a woman into a father and a mother.

So how could you not be special for me... for us?

Mummy and Daddy love you to the ends of the earth.
See you in Heaven, sweetheart.

Love,
your daddy x

I'll keep that letter with me forever and maybe... just maybe, I'll share it with [y/n] one day, and our baby's future siblings.