𝕊𝕋𝕆ℝ𝕀𝔼𝕊 𝔽ℝ𝕆𝕄 𝔸 𝕎𝕆ℝ𝔻 ～ 𝘑𝘢𝘮𝘦𝘴 𝘔𝘤𝘈𝘷𝘰𝘺

75 - [JM] Throwback

T H R O W B A C K
noun [throh-bak]

One that is suggestive of or suited to an earlier time or style.

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We all search for that special purpose in life. Some continue the hunt for years until its their time to rest, some find it in an instant and some... they come to realize that they [passed the opportunity without even knowing it.

I find myself talking about 'philosophical' topics like these with many people I know. It sometimes helps me with my work in acting, to really channel a specific character but, what it truly does is make me thankful for every single small thing in my life that makes me who I am.

You may be asking in your minds right now, 'what's your special purpose in life James?', 'have you fond it?'. Standing here today I can proudly say that as long as life is, as long as life is for the people around me... Yes, I did find my special purpose and I never thought in my youth that it would turn out like that.

[y/n].

That's my solid reason for living, as cheesy as it may sound. But its the whole truth. My wife is why I honestly have a life right now. She blessed me with two beautiful children sitting right there and the motivation to continue on believing in myself no matter what.

She's the lifeblood of the McAvoy family. Everyone deserves to have a wife, a mother, a best friend, a mentor, an inspiration like her in their life. If you think that you're content with your liffe then you just haven't met my wife. What can I say, I've been obsessed with her from the day we met until now, and until I die.

I had said earlier that some people find their purpose in life but miss out on it without knowing. That's pretty much the point at which [y/n] and James became a pair. I had been working on a film and I was stressed with a passion that I could blow up at anyone, and I almost did towards [y/n]. She made me straighten up. I yelled at her, I honestly verbally abused her... I'm ashamed of it but if that's the only reason why we got together then I would never change my actions, even though I regret treating her like that. Like the solid rock she is, she took my words and threw them right back at me. She made me realize that I'm not the only person in the world, and with that I came to know of how brilliant she is.

I remember one night, a year after we got married. She was feeling a little down because we lost our first baby.  I felt terrible about it, I wanted to cheer her up so bad. I remember watching her sitting on the couch, blankly flipping through channels on the TV in hopes of something that would put a smile on her face. I took her hand and pulled her to her feet even though she continued to protest. I told her to grab a jacket and a couple beers, while I started up the car. We drove for miles and flipped a coin to decide our turns: heads was right, and tails was left.

We took a lot of lefts that day and ended up in the middle of nowhere. Till this day I have no idea what place that was, it was 7 in the evening and as dark as it can get. For the whole ride my [y/n/n] was sitting next to me with her nose scrunched up with confusion and her arms crossed. It made me laugh to see her expressions. I pulled her out of the car and we sat on the grass,laying ext to each other and looking at the stars. We drank and talked for hours and it was the first time I heard her laugh and saw her smile in weeks.

I felt... something different, it wasn't happiness or contentment but it was definitely something soothing. I don't think I've ever felt that particular feeling again in my entire life till now.

We danced to the music blaring out of the car speakers. I never wanted the night to end.

But I digress. The reason for today, no one can really tell. Sometimes its just a particular person's time and it's the way of life. It aches me to have a piece of me taken away but... I know that she's watching from up above, smiling at me, at all of us and thinking about how she changed so many people's lives without her realizing it while she was with us.

There are too many golden memories to remember [y/n] with, I could be standing here for days narrating each one in detail as if it happened just yesterday. No one can replace her, she lit up my life like no one has ever done before. Sorry kids, but your mother... she was perfect.

May you continue to lighten up our lives [y/n], you were loved by everyone. We will always feel the pain of your leaving but we'll make sure to smile a little everyday because we know how much you hated seeing someone in pain, even while you were.

Thank you for granting me every single moment of life spent. Through the ups and downs, I wouldn't change a thing. As you always said, "Broken crayons still colour".

He stared at the last four words, your voice echoing in his mind. He smiled softly then wiped the tears that rolled down his cheeks.

He clicked 'save' on the document then closed it. He renamed the document from 'untitled' to 'Ode To [y/n], complete', then shut his laptop. He placed it on the table from resting on his lap then walked out of the bedroom.

He dreaded the day of your funeral but... knowing that you were watching from somewhere and telling those close to both of you how much you mean to him, put his heart at peace.

'Broken crayons still colour'.