Self-Reflection

Last Night

I was suppose to stay sober
I was the driver
How did I let this happen.?

I had a small cup of wine.
That turned into 4 cups of wine.
Then the tequila came.
I was suppose to have 1 shot.
That turned into 3.

She just kept pouring it
What was I suppose to do.?
Say no.?

I thought I felt fine.
I was a bit tipsy
But I was still in control.

We got the hookah out
We smoked
I started to feel my head get heavy
Very heavy
And my vision was a bit blurry
But I was still very aware of what was going on.

We played some tunes
Me and Kevin were singing along
It was a good time.

Then the topic of you came up.

I don't know how
I don't know why
But you came up

Everyone had some input on the situation
There was too much going on
I couldn't handle it.
It all hit me at once.
So much emotions
I was still upset over you.
Then Bri told me she needed to go.

I told everyone I had to pee and that once I finished we had to dip.
I got up.
The world was spinning
My vision was so blurry
I couldn't see.
I said "Oh shit"
Then blank.

Then all of the sudden I see Kevin.
He's holding me.
We're in the bathroom.
I see Kim splashing water on me.
I hear Bri saying something
Then everything goes blank again.

A cold splash of water hits my face.
Kim is kissing me and telling me she loves me
Then gives me water to drink.
I see Kevin and Bri.
I also see Kenny.
I'm fully awake now.
No more blacking out.
I blacked out for a whole hour.
I don't remember anything.

Kim told me I peed on Kevin.
I feel so bad.
I didn't mean to.
How embarrassing!
However I did give them a warning.
I did get up to pee.
And I told them.

Poor Kevin.
I'm so sorry I did that.
You said it was okay.
You said you cleaned everything up and it happens
But still.
That was wrong of me to do.
I'm so sorry.

Kim and Bri held me up
Kim said we needed to go for a walk
We did.
I gave them the typical drunk, "I love you guys so much" speech and they told me it back.
Kim then told me I needed to puke.
Bri pulled my hair back
Then Kim put her finger down my throat
Farther and farther down
Then blah
Everything came out.
Then again.
Then again.

We went back to the house.
Kim told me I needed to change
I didn't realize I was soaking wet.
I couldn't change
I'm too fat to fit Kim's clothes
And my parents already saw what I was wearing before I left the house
There was no way I could come home wearing something else.

Then my mom called
I had to go home.
I need to drive Bri home.
Kim told me I'm in no shape of driving.
I was hoping I would drive that night.
I wanted to die.
That would have been the perfect night.
I would have been too drunk to realize what I was doing
So it wouldn't technically be considered suicide.
I just wanted to die.
I need to die.

Unfortunately, I didn't drive.
Although I was suppose to be the designated driver of the night, Kim ended up driving me home.
Thank god she only lives 2 minutes away from me.
I quickly rushed inside.

My dad was siting on the couch waiting for me.
Little did he know I was wasted.
He was yelling at me.
I couldn't hear him though.
I just needed to sleep. 

I told him I'm sorry.
I didn't mean it though.
I'm not sorry.

I went to my room.
I stripped
And I knocked.

Never again will I drink this much.
I've learned my lesson
I've learned my limit.
I will NOT drink like this again.

However I feel very blessed that I got wasted with good people.
Bless Kim's & Kevin's souls for taking care of me the way they did.
Glad I reached my limits in their place and not at some party.

But I will not drink like this again.
I wished I died though.
Would have been worth it.