Self-Reflection

Flaws

I've come to realize how many flaws I have as a lover.
Asad came into my life and ruined me, but he also showed me what was wrong with me.

I am a bad lover.

I'm too nonchalant.
I'm inconsiderate.
I'm too stubborn.
I can be a bitch.
I don't compromise.

I don't show the people I care about that I love them.

I'm all talk.

I thought through communication, I can get through to people and tell them how much I love them.

I wrote love letters to Miguel. I even wrote him a poem in Spanish and I don't even know Spanish like that. I stayed longer then I should have with Miguel. I told him how much I appreciated him and gassed him up. I brought him mini gifts and cookies for him to try. But apparently to him, because I didn't make time and was too laid back, he didn't want to be with me anymore.

Same thing happened with Asad. However he was too pushy. He wanted everything on his terms. He always wanted to see me whenever HE wanted to, not when I was free and could. He always wanted to do sexual shit when I was simply just not ready for it and he wasn't respectful about it either. To him it's not a big deal but to me it is. But regards I still wanted to be with him.

But I've also come to realize how much emotional baggage I have. I have to much traumatic memories, too much emotions. Maybe i'm just too emotionally fucked up to actually be with someone??????

Maybe that's why I'm not a good lover.

Maybe that's why the men I love leave me.

I'm the one at fault.