Self-Reflection

Reminiscing (The Bad)

I was so blinded by my love for you that I couldn't see all the red flags.

From your controlling behavior, to your manipulation.

To your addiction.

To the violence.

Your lifestyle.

Everything was just so wrong. And I knew deep down inside that it was. I just didn't want to face the reality of it.

I knew something was wrong when you wanted sexual things. Out of force. When I told you no. And you kept pushing, and pushing and pushing.

I should have seen it when you wouldn't even let me go to work without sending you proof that I was there. I should have known the moment you followed me to Lake George, after letting you know before hand if it was okay if I could go out with my friends to the beach.

I should have known the moment I had to ask you if it was even okay for me to hang out with them, then you telling me that you have to be there.

I should have known by the way you got when you drank alcohol. How aggressive you get. I should have known, since you had to wake up with a shot of vodka, then down a bottle of either whiskey or tequila to get you through the day. You were an alcoholic. You promised me that you would get better. That you'll go to rehab and slow down on the drinking. That never happened.

You told me that you only sold your drugs but you don't use. I saw you snort that line of Cocaine. I saw you with the Ketamine. When you popped all that Molly. Remember when you took 3 Adderalls, a handful of Xanax and Acid and had a panic attack? You told me you would never do it again. You lied. You're addicted to the drugs you sell. You couldn't go a day without drugs or alcohol.

Yet you ran the biggest drug organization for all the Universities. You were the Drug Lord.

You would tell me how you will stop. That you'll get out the game. That you'll stop drinking. Stop using drugs. Go to rehab and get your life back on track. So we could finally get married and start the family we envisioned.

But you lied. And lied and lied and nothing changed.

I should have known by the way you grabbed me when you got upset. Leaving me with marks.

You broke me down.  After showing me love, you would follow it by telling me how fat I was. Everyday. You would tell me how big my nose was. You told me to consider getting a nose job. You destroyed any self-esteem that I had.

I know you cheated on me. Was she already in you bed the night before I came. Was she already there, in your bed laying under you, while you called me? Was I just not good enough for you? I still can't believe you would think that telling me that she was your friend and y'all were "working on an essay" at 6 in the morning would work. You had me looking stupid. Stupid for loving you. Maybe I should have listened to Naz when he told me that you were being unfaithful.

I should have known by the way you let Naz and Taleb talk to me. The way Naz would try to touch me. The way he tried flirting with me when you weren't there. After showing you all the nasty messages that Taleb sent me and you didn't do anything about it. We both knew that they weren't "yo boys".

I should have left when they were shooting at your house. I was petrified. I didn't know why you needed to buy a gun prior but at that moment I understood. Your lifestyle was the reason. You can't be a drug lord without enemies nor protection.

I remember that night. When I went to your house to tell you how I was feeling. You didn't tell me that you were throwing a party. You told me that you weren't drinking but your breath reeked of Vodka. We went to your room to talk in private but there's never any privacy at your place, especially with a party going on. It was exactly 12 am. I told you that I wasn't happy with you anymore. I saw your face switch from happiness to sadness to anger. After all the screaming we did, I tried to walk away. You then threw your favorite green apple New Amsterdam bottle at me. I didn't feel secure or safe with you. I was shaken with fear. You scared me. You told me that you will kill me. You then punched the wall. I've never seen that side of you before.

The night always replays in my mind.

Thinking back on it, I was really blinded by your charm.

How stupid I was.

And now you're in jail.

Remember when I told you to stop? You told me that you'll get out the game after making 30K. You made that then told me that, "I'm not one of those dumb asses that will get caught. I'll never go to jail."

Now look at you..... you're in jail.