More Than a Fan || cth

Chapter 19

Calum's P.O.V

"Good morning. Again, there's breakfast for you," Lacie greets me downstairs. I send her a curt nod, to which she replies with a warm smile. She then turns around, leaving me in the kitchen by myself. I take the plate and put it in the microwave, proceeding to lean against the granite counter.

For the past few days (it's now been about a week since my..freak out). I've done nothing but lay in bed, alone. I haven't stepped one foot outside, if you don't include my balcony. I've spoken to a few friends, mostly Ashton who checks up often. I've only said a limited amount to Lacie, and it's probably been unintentionally rude, but she's respected me and kept her distance.

I don't know how to feel about that, because I've been comfortable being alone, since it's given me time to think. But, it has bummed me out, and I miss hanging out with her. I need to make sure I figure things out in my mind first, though.

Other than her distancing herself (which isn't necessarily bad), she's been nothing but good to me. She's gone out to buy groceries, makes sure Duke is fed, and does her best to make sure I'm okay and taking care of myself, without "bothering me too much" as she said. She's never actually bothering me, I'm really glad she's here. Even if we haven't really seen or talked much, her company still gives me a sense of comfort. In previous times this happened, Ashton has made himself stop his super busy life to take care of me, which I'm grateful for, but feel bad.

The microwave goes off, keeping me from thinking any further as I grab the plate and sit down at the table.

If you're wondering if any of this pouting crap I've been doing is getting me anywhere, it has. Being alone in a room for a week, in complete silence, gives you tons of time to think.

I'm pretty sure I've figured out the root of the problem, the reason why I suddenly felt so awful that day during practice, and felt the need to cut myself off.

Not because of the fact that the boys and I don't get much of a break on the tour (we're used to that by now), we'll get over it.

Because I'd do anything for my fans, and I know they love us touring.

Well, scratch that, almost everything. If anyone heard me say that they'd be like,

"Step on me, Calum!"

No, I will not step on you.

Sorry.

Anyways, I've decided that this is all because of the fact that I have to leave Lacie to go on tour.

Yeah, she can come with me, it's possible, but I don't want to make her make that decision.

Tour is fun and all, but hard. It lasts a while. It's exhausting. I'm not sure she would want to come.

And, that scares me. I feel like I rely on her. I'm gonna try not to make this sound really cheesy, but whenever she's not around, I just don't feel....right. When I'm with her, I don't seem to stress over anything. I just focus on her and my time with her, and that's what has made me feel so incredibly happy everyday I'm with her.

Without her, I can't keep her off my mind. I can't stop wondering what she's doing at that moment, what she's thinking.

The guys say I'm always super distracted when she's not with us.

In all honesty, I'm so scared to feel or be that way on tour.

I'm supposed to feel ready, happy, stable, and overall peaceful for this so I can focus on my music and my fans. Lacie seems to keep me in check with that.

Once again, she'd also just make me super happy if she came on tour with me. It could be really fun.

Okay, okay, I'm done now. I sound so clingy.

I stand up from the table, letting out a dramatic sigh. I pick up the plate of food I didn't even touch, placing it in the microwave for later, not wanting to waste what Lai made
for me. I head back upstairs, plopping myself down onto my bed and taking hold of my laptop.

As soon as it powers up, I get a noisy Skype call from Ashton. His face pops up on the screen, and I wait a minute for the connection to work.

"Hey." A grin spreads across Ashton's face, showcasing his dimples.

"You sound chipper," he speaks. I just raise my eyebrows in reply. "I don't know, you just look brighter."

"I guess so,"

"Uh huh." It's his turn to raise his eyebrows. "What happened?" questions Ash. I roll my eyes at his bluntness.

"I don't want to go on tour without her," I admit quietly. Through the awful, pixelated Skype quality, I notice Ashton's expression soften.

"I know. But, you've been without her before."

I run a hand over my face in frustration. "Okay, but you know how I acted then," I tell him. "Listen, I know it sounds so clingy, Ash, but she really makes me happy, in ways that I don't even realize. You guys make me happy too, but she's just.."

"Different." Ashton finishes for me and I nod. "I get it, Cal. But, sometimes you have to be a big boy. Your music career has made you everything you currently are. She hasn't. You can't lose that because of her." He explains, a sympathetic look on his face.

"She kind of has, though. She's a fan,"

"Okay, but she's one out of the thousands. All of them together, plus me, Luke, and Michael have built this for you. And," he speaks softly now, "you know she's more than that."

I look down, fiddling with the keyboard below me. Ashton is right, I see her as more than that now. I said in the past that I don't want to force her into that environment, anyways. I'm definitely a hypocrite.

As much as she means to me, I can't let myself and my career (what has ultimately got me in this position) to rely so much on someone who will, hopefully, be here when I get back from tour.

I nod slightly, showing my agreement to Ashton. "Yeah..." my voice comes out higher than I expected.

"So... you gonna tell her?"

"She already has figured out that I'm leaving, Ash," I snort.

"Stop it. You know what I mean, tell her what happened."

"Yeah, I will."