In His Eyes

Chapter Twenty-Nine

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V E R O N I C A

Coming back to America a month ago and getting revenge in many possible ways sounded better in my head. Yeah, I admit. I wanted to get revenge. I wanted to get with some guy and act hella happy so he can see that I don't care at all.

But it's not how it goes. It's not the right way. Doing that will give off desperate energy because I'm expecting something from him. The oh-so-called desperate energy is a wave that he can feel whenever I think about him say his name and everything like that.

Exactly that mindset helped me recover. But with that came the emotionless me, the kind when you only feel anger. And it's not good. But the other bright side was very much more painful. I had this burn in my chest. This constant betrayal and disappointment. The disappointment started with him and slowly started spreading on everything like a black ink. It effected everything I did.

For some time, I was stuck between wanting to feel just a little something to keep me stable and not wanting to feel the previous cathastrophic emotions.

So, when I woke up that day with my leg somewhat dysfunctional, I was angry at first that yet another bad thing happened to me but then, when I felt this pain in my leg that was constantly there. I actually figured out that it took the pressure and pain that I had in my chest and it was hella better having it on my leg. I know it sounds somewhat weird, but I didn't want it to stop. It stopping would indicate that that horrible feeling would come back.

I don't want that.

It's pretty fucked up to take advantage of someone's feelings just because you like the fact that they have feelings for you and would do anything for you. I did want to do anything for him, I was willing to go all in with him. As Harley Queen said, I was willing to die for him too. Not gonna lie, I had my benefits too, proving to myself that I can love and I can care about someone else and I can be a happy person.

I'm not sure I can do that again though, not with anybody else. Look, I may say that he didn't hurt me all the time but hell, he sure did leave some permanent marks. Like me not being able to trust anyone and always waiting for everyone to stab me in the back and betray me. Hell, I'm even scared to look at some attractive guy that's not gonna snap at me in front of his friends to make himself look good. I'm scared to talk to a guy, knowing that he might record me in my playfull state and show it later to his friends to have a good laugh.

In another words, he made me a scared little bitch and straight up ruined my chances of getting emotions and finding my soulmate.

It's crazy to think that I used to be happy and get excited, it all feels like a distant memory and I can't reach to get that person back because it's a very long road to back there.

I can't believe I let another person make me happy.

I can be so stupid sometimes. Man, I would just like to get a fucking break from everything, to not get overwhelmed just for a second. Going back to every memory with him felt awkward and it made me feel gross and ashamed of myself, did it really?

Can't I just get a vocation somewhere far, far away and enjoy the ocean in front of me carefree.

You know, I used to try my best to keep my feelings for him intact, because I didn't want to lose him. Now, knowing that I'll lose him anyway, it gives me advice for another time. I sure as hell want those feelings gone now.