In His Eyes

Chapter Thirty-One

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V E R O N I C A

It's always something about this cold autumn weather that makes me depressed. Who knows? Maybe it's actually the fact that all of the beautiful green trees that I'd grow attached to are gone and replaced by some ugly shade of brown. Who am I kidding? I hate every shade of brown.

I mean, that isn't exactly the only thing. The fact that the cold manages to pinch my hands and cheeks is there, as well as the fact that going outside and sitting on a swing should be minimized. Without the green that the spring brings and the beautiful shade of white that winter brings, everything seems pointless.

That's how I'm feeling without him.

Living without him is hard, living without the thought of him and without the motivation that he brought alongside is hard. Well, it shouldn't exactly be defined as hard, you know. As human beings we are all programmed to work with our daily routine. The crazy thought about it is that the routine can change and you get used to the new upgrade of your life while you adapt.

That's how I function, as a robot without any characteristic to define me as an alive human being. Minimized or even absence of emotions and abilities to normally react to basic situations. Even my language and way of talking is beginning to sound programmed.

I was right, after I saw the truth with my own eyes, I started letting him go. But then I realized, I had nothing to think about. I had nothing to imagine when listening to my favourite music and for the fist time in my life, I wasn't even sure the music was playing. I didn't know how to register it.

I have to find someone new.

Damon did leave an enormous damage in my already damaged soul. This time the damage is visible to others and it's mostly visible to Blake. One thing I hate most is lying. I hated it because I couldn't do it, and now I can. And I have to use it to lie to Blake.

I had to convince him that I was never interested in Damon and that I did all of that just out of boredom and from the lack of emotions. I had to convince him that my type of guys are the exact opposite of Damon so it would be believable. I lied about everything. Sometimes I find myself wandering through my memories to see if I actually lie to myself about him existing but that gorgeous face I repeatedly keep seeing in these so familiar yet distant streets is an alive reminder that he was there. The sparkle in my eyes in all those old and now deleted pictures in my phone was there to remind me too.

And there's no turning back from that.

It was only in one moment that something happened. I was in the car with Blake and he was driving us to school. I didn't even register that Em's song 'Without me' started playing and I found myself imagining singing it with him again instead of humming or rapping along like I usually do. When I did register it, I stopped myself from having thoughts about him.

And what am I doing right now? I'm doing what I do every single day. I'm sitting on my phone and scrolling trough tiktok whilst Blake is talking to me. Social media has my best interest right now and if you are wondering about Blake, he's begging me to go out, as always. He eventually does make me go out, I have fun for a couple of hours and I come home feeling exactly the same.