lethal//changlix

this is home

Putting my hands on their throat out of instinct, I could feel their pulse underneath my palm and fingers.

Their heart was beating fast, as they tried to scream for help under my tight grip.

My firm grip around their throat was getting tighter, as I wasn't able to stop what I was doing. I just couldn't.

I had lost control over my body completely.

Their face started to loose color, and their desperate, yet silent screams could be heard between attempts of them trying to inhale the air around us.

They stopped fighting, after the cracking sound I could feel underneath my thumb. Their hold on my hands, that were still around their throat loosened, as their hands fell down onto the wooden floor.

Their eyes rolled back a bit, and the beat of their heart had stopped. I couldn't feel their pulse anymore.

Letting finally go of their throat, realisation hit me, when I looked at the dead body underneath me.

What have I done?

Getting off on top of them, I kept my gaze on the lifeless body. My hands started to shake violently and tears were daring to escape my eyes.

Looking to the side, I could only see Felix. His eyes were wide and his mouth was agape.

"I..I didn't.."

I couldn't even speak properly, as my words cam out as stutters. I was so shocked at my actions, and so was Felix.

Walking over to him, slowly as my steps were wobbly, he immediately backed away from me, which broke my heart. His face was white, and I could see how horrified he was. He was terrified of me.

"Get the fuck away from me!"

Now Felix started crying, his sobs filling the silent room.

"I didn't mean to! I swear! I would never try and do something like that on purpose!"

I raised my voice as I tried to reason with him. Now I was crying aswell, unable to handle the situation and the sight of Felix crying and being afraid of me. I am a monster.

Felix didn't reply. Now he was leaning against the wall. As he wasn't able to go anywhere, I put my head against his chest and listened to his nowhere near steady heartbeat. Everytime I heard it, it would calm me down, as hearing it meant that he was alive and okay.

"D-Don't touch me."

Felix was crying loudly, making the situation for me even worse. His words hurt me, as I deeply loved him.

I was afraid that he wouldn't love me back after this, and even the idea of that being possible made me want to trade places with the body near us.

"I'm so sorry, Felix. I didn't mean for that to happen. I couldn't control myself. Please, please forgive me, Lixie!"

I was now hugging him tightly, trying to find a sense of comfort from him. Repeating his name, I waited for an answer. I was sniffling against his now wet shirt, as I had a runny nose and teary eyes.

During my desperate attempt of trying to make Felix believe me, I could hear the panic from his shaky breaths. I felt horrible for what I had just put Felix through.

He has been suffering enough.

He shouldn't be with someone like me.

I'm a murderer.

After awhile, I could feel Felix's heartbeat calm itself down, as he started taking in deep breaths. Although he was starting to get himself together, I still had a hard time to even breath properly.

"Shhh... It's going to be okay."

Felix hugged me back, as he started stroking my back. His attempt to calm me down started slowly working, but I was still scared. Scared of myself.

"It's okay, Binnie. We will fix this."

Like always, Felix ended up being the one to take control of the situation.
He had the ability to stay calm, even in the hardest situations, while I was an emotional wreck.

"I..I'm a murderer."

"No, Binnie. Like you said, you just couldn't control yourself, okay? We'll be alright."

Felix kissed my forehead, giving me a warm feeling inside my once cold heart.

"I forgive you, Changbin."

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Song: This is Home, by Cavetown

'Are you dead?
Sometimes I think I'm dead
Cause I can feel ghosts and ghouls wrapping my head
But i don't wanna fall asleep just yet'