lethal//changlix

until god forgives me

Dear Felix

Whatever I do, please don't start hating or blaming yourself for it, because it really has nothing to do with you.

You were the only one in this dark and hollow world who made me feel alive. You can't even imagine how thankful I am for you and what you have done for me. You were everything I needed and way more than that, but I guess it wasn't enough for me.

I can't fight the empty feeling of unworthiness inside of me, not anymore. I've had enough with the feeling of never being enough to anyone. The worst part is that I don't have anyone to blame other than myself. I tried to fight the feeling of numbness, I really did.

I am so sorry for the pain I'm about to put you through. You don't deserve it. You deserve something better than me.
I will forever be thankful for you, and I hope that our souls will meet in the future, after I get rid of this heavy body.

I love you, Lee Felix and always will. Never forget that.

-Changbin

I let out shaky breaths while reading the note in my hands. My whole body was shaking at the words written on the wrinkled paper.

I started crying.

How could I be this selfish? I couldn't even imagine what Felix was thinking while reading this. Memories of me writing this letter came back to me, making it hard to even breathe.

The note seemed rushed, as the words were written messily, making it almost impossible to read. I kinda wished that I wouldn't have read it, but at the same time the letter really opened my eyes a bit more.

Trying to wipe away tears, I put the note back on Felix's night stand where I had originally taken it from.
I took in deep breaths, trying to calm myself down.

After the attempt of trying to compose myself, I went and laid on Felix's bed, still keeping the soft pillow firmly in my hands. My eyes started feeling heavier, as I finally fell asleep.
........................................................................

My hands were trembling, as I watched the ballpoint pen in my hands leave blue ink to the surface of a paper.

The paper was wet with tears that were escaping from my sore eyes. The letters were messy, as my whole body was shaking. I was scared of what I was about to do, but at the same time it felt like the only solution for my problems.

It almost felt like I'd lost control completely.

My hand seemed to move on it's own, as it left wobbly words onto the paper.
My sobs became more violent and the hiccups were painful.

I knew that Felix would be home soon, so I quickly looked around his room for the last time.

Felix's room was clean and organized, unlike my room that was a bit messy.
There was alot of pink stuff in his, like his bedsheets, which I adored.

I smiled a bit at the memories Felix and I shared together. No one could ever replace him. I started remembering the times when I would sleep over here instead of my room.

My bed was almost never used, as Felix's was thousand times more comfy. The best part about sleeping here was sleeping next to him.

I started to calm down a bit when remembering good times with Felix.

Special memories, that I wont ever forget. I could never forget about him.

Taking my jacket, I threw it on started jogging towards my destination. It was a place where Felix and I visited often, since we both loved the beautiful view.
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Opening my eyes, the first thing I saw was Felix. His eyes were open, so now we were just looking at each other.

"Good morning, sunshine."

Felix said and gave me a sweet smile afterwards. A smile that I grew to love in the time I had spent with him.

I felt like wanting to cry again, as I started remembering the events of last night. The note, what was written on it and the worst, I slowly started remembering what was going on inside my head while writing it.

I didn't even think twice, when I put my arms around Felix. Hiding my face in the crook of his neck, warm tears started already falling down my cheeks.

It took some time before Felix hugged me back, but when he did it felt amazing. It felt safe and secure. It felt like all my worry was gone for a brief moment, as the scent and the warmness of his body seemed to calm me down.

Felix started stroking my back, which felt even more amazing, as it sent
pleasant shivers down my spine.

"It's okay, Changbin. Everything will be alright."

Felix whispered. After that he kissed the top of my head, which instantly gave me butterflies. My cheeks heat up a bit, but I ignored it, putting all my focus into Felix and the warmth of his body.

Felix removed his hand from my back, now putting it on my head and playing with my hair. I unknowingly leaned into his touch.

Before I knew it, my crying had stopped, as being in Felix's arms had worked like medicine.

"Shall we make breakfast?"

Giving me a warm smile, Felix got up after I nodded. He took my hand into his small one, as we made our way towards the kitchen.

I noticed how my heart skipped a beat everytime he would smile at me, as it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

The view from up here was indeed beautiful, but nothing will ever be more gorgeus and stunning than Felix and his smile.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Song: Until god forgives me, by ZVRG

'Look to the sky, girl I'll be alright
Please don't wake me up, just let me die
Thought I told ya, paranoias always runnin' through my mind
And it's killing me, I'm slowly drifting away'