lethal//changlix

dead inside

I was on my way to Felix's room, because I was bored. Taking slow and heavy steps, as I was tired, I now reached his door.

Not even bothering to knock, as I had spent alot of time there lately, I opened the door to see something horrifying.

There Felix was, sitting on his bed while crying. His arm was exposed, as it was full of red lines, some being deeper than others.

On his other hand, Felix was holding a shining blade right above his wrist.

Before he could do anything else, I snatched the sharp object from his hands and threw it on the floor.

"Changbin? What are you doing here?"

Felix looked at me, and acted as if nothing just happened. I looked at the deep lines on his arm.

I could clearly see a blade slicing skin open. The blade moved smoothly, cutting open the flesh and veins beneath it. The deep red lines that were created on the skins surface were oddly pretty, as red blood escaped from the fresh wounds.

As Felix's arm reminded me of the same flashback I had before, I wanted to vomit again. I ignored the sick feeling I got, since I really had to help Felix.

"Changbin? You didn't answer my question."

Felix said while rolling his sleeve back over his cuts. I wanted to cry. Why would he do something like that to himself?

I took his hand in mine carefully, and went to the bathroom while dragging Felix behind me. Seating him on the toilet, I went to search for something that we kept in the bathrooms cabinet.

After finding the first aid kit, I went and bandaged Felix's arm after cleaning up the cuts first.

"Why would you do that?"

My words were a bit shaky. It was hard to imagine Felix doing something like this to himself.

"I just felt like I had to do it."

"That barely answers my question."

Felix just looked at the floor and tried to avoid my eyes.

"I'm so sick of bad things happening to me all the time. It's like the universe hates me. When something good happens, it has to even it out with something ten times worse."

Felix breathed heavily while sniffling. Only the sight of him crying made me want to cry aswell, but I decided to fight the urge, as it would probably make the situation worse for him.

"It hurts to know how you wont ever love me the same way you used to. I wont ever get the same Changbin I once knew back, but I know it's not your fault. I try so hard to live with it, but I just can't. I can't anymore."

Felix looked at me and gave me a sad smile. His smiles were always either sad, or transparent.

Now that I knew about his hardships, I wasn't sure if I've even ever seen him truly happy.

I hugged him. I hoped that being in my embrace would comfort him in some way, but it was only something I could wish for.

Felix put his arms lazily around me while leaning his head against my shoulder.

"I'm so sorry for everything, Felix. I'm so sorry for being the reason for your sorrow, but I'm even more sorry about how I don't know how to fix it."

Letting out a low chuckle, Felix said something that made my already aching heart hurt more.

"I'm suprised that you only found about this now. Every night I've been doing this to myself, yet you didn't notice. It made me think that you don't even care."

For the first time, something inside of me snapped.

I couldn't take his words anymore. They were like knives stabbing into my heart, as the pain was so evident in his voice.

For the first time, I felt something much deeper and bigger for the younger.

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Song: Dead Inside, by XXXTentacion

'Dead inside
Spend a lot of time stuck in this head of mine
Under the assumption love is dead, already
Just let me be here'