Felix and I were standing in our back yard, after burying the body that I had once taken the life of.
The guilt was eating me alive, as Felix seemed a bit more distant with me.
He still assured me, that he loved me. He would tell me comforting words, just so that I could feel a bit better about everything that had taken place.
It was worrying, how much more quiet Felix had been, but it was totally understandable. Not to mention, that the person I had killed was close with the both of us.
Looking to the ground, where the body now laid, Felix didn't take his eyes off of it once.
His eyes were empty, as all the emotions inside of him had seemed to just drain away. His eyes were swollen after all the crying we did together.
We just stood there in silence, before Felix broke it.
"I'm going to miss you."
Felix kept his eyes on the ground. I could only assume that he wasn't talking to me, but rather to the body.
"I love you alot, even after the stuff you said about Binnie and I."
He gave a sad smile. Taking in a deep breath, he turned and looked at me.
Coming closer to me, he put his lips carefully against my cheek and gave me a small kiss.
He started wiping away the tears under my eyes with his thumb. I didn't even notice that they were there in the first place.
"How am I supposed to live with myself after this, Lixie?"
Although Felix was trying to convince me, that everything was alright, the guilt I felt wouldn't go away. I was sure that it would always be there.
I could still hear vividly the silent screams and feel every emotion I felt then. Looking at my palm, I couldn't help and hate myself more when time passed.
"I wont be able to forgive myself after this."
I put my hands on my face, so that Felix wouldn't see my weak side for the millionth time today.
You're a monster.
You should be the one dead under the ground.
You need to die.
"Changbin. Look at me."
Felix forcefully took a hold of my wrists and removed my hands from my face. I couldn't focus.
You don't deserve to be alive.
You don't deserve Felix.
You don't deserve anyone.
"Changbin! Listen to me!"
He kept shaking my body, but I was somewhere else.
You're a murderer.
Die, before you hurt Felix.
Die.
DIE!
"SHUT UP!"
Pushing Felix off of me, a little too harshly as he was now on the ground, I blocked my ears and tried to ignore the loud voices.
Hitting my head, I tried to kill them. I wanted them to leave. They need to go.
Hitting harder and repeatedly, my head started to hurt, but they just wouldn't leave me alone. I could hear Felix faintly yell something, but I couldn't focus on anything around me.
All my attention was on the truthfull voices that I could hear inside my head. I wasn't able to block them out.
See? Now you're hurting Felix too.
"Leave me alone!"
My vision started getting blurry. My head started hurting from all the beating up I did against my skull. Felix tried to stop me by grabbing my wrists again, but I just couldn't stop.
Keep hurting yourself. You deserve it anyways. No one loves you.
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Song: HeavyDirtySoul, by Twenty One Pilots
'Saying stuff like, "You only live once"
You got one time to figure it out
One time to twist and one time to shout
One time to think and I say we start now'
YOU ARE READING
lethal//changlix
Fanfic{completed} "It hurts to know how you wont ever love me the same way you used to. I wont ever get the same Changbin I once knew back, but I know it's not your fault. I try so hard to live with it, but I just can't. I can't anymore." ωεℓcσмε тσ мү ηι...
