**It's an hour where I don't care who sees it and I don't care what they'd think. I just want to get this out of my system before it gets lost in the back of my head where I'll never even remotely know how to communicate it out to anyone else. I'm probably just going to derail myself and rant.
As the days pass by, I still think about people's question about what I'm going to do in the future. What I'll become. What I'm going to do. What do I see for my future.
I see nothing. I honestly don't. I just see dreams I know are complete fiction. I imagine myself drawing my favorite characters for a living in a lovely New York apartment with a beautiful view from sunrise to sunset. I imagine myself never having to worry about money the way my parents do right now. I imagine myself content and calm.
But I'm never going to get there. Not at this rate. I mean c'mon with my way of handling internal and family issues, I'm going to kill myself by the start of Senior year in highschool. I don't see myself alive for graduation. I don't see myself applying for that job at the comic company I want to work for. I don't see myself furthering my studies in medical science. I don't see a future. Just out of reach dreams.
And sometimes it scares me. Because I want to do so much in this world too. I want to actually make some kind of difference that is huge. I want to fight in protests. I want to fight for equality. I want to fight for the protection of LGBT+ citizens. I want to inspire a great amount of people to make a difference for the better. I want to be the one who is able to do good in this world.
I see the things that happen in Sudan. I see the discrimination that happens amongst people of color... Different religions... Different sexualities... I see these injustices and it makes me furious that I can't go in and do something directly. I don't have money. I don't have means of transportation. I don't have a way to directly protect those people like the superheroes I read about.
After watching Jon Stewart call out a Congress that was nearly empty for a hearing concerning 9/11 first responders who weren't getting the medical insurance they deserve, I wanted to be that person who was able to be a voice for people who were in need of help. I wanted to fight for those who can't fight.
That's the whole reason why I look up so dearly at Spider-Man. He helps people no matter what. His morals are what I consider the perfect personality traits of an imperfect human when it comes to saving others. He cares about others, helps in anyway he can, the greater good outweighs his interests, he believes everyone deserves a chance rather than death no matter how cynical the person, he loves his friends, and he always gets back up. That's why I love and revere him so much. Many people think it's the webs and body build he has that I want, but it's the personality that I admire.
During the few times I try and explain these ideas about trying to make a difference, my own mom just laughs at it and starts making comments about how that's unachievable. She has different ideas and morals that are contrary to what I believe most of the time.
That's why most of the time I just don't tell my parents anything. They have their complete set of morals that contrary to mine. If I even try to make a response to defend something related to LGBT+ that they brought up, I will get stares that tell me, "You're on the wrong side."
That's why I don't even trust them to explain the whole boyfriend thing and that I've been struggling to make sense of my own self for months while feeling shit constantly because I felt so alone. My best friend tries to help me out during those days, but she can't because she doesn't know it feels like to be in such turmoil that includes a lot of other problems.
There's days I'm filled with so much anger I just cry out of frustration. It makes me feel like I can't do anything at times. But why do I complain when he has it so much worse than me?
I'm just afraid of being the one who messes it up for the community. The one who was faking it. The one who created a false image of the others. That's why I don't say much.
I can't much either anyway because I know he blames himself and I don't want that. He shouldn't be sorry for something that he can't control.
I'm not pissed off at the fact that you're trying to figure out who you are. I'm just ticked at the fact that I found out through Twitter. The shittiest way to bring something as important and sensitive up. And then I hear comments and want know how much of it was a lie and how much did I matter.
Or how someone told me: closure. But I don't want to hear anything else.
I'd like to write more things down, but that'd just take a wrong turn that you don't deserve.
Instead I'll just think about how I can make things better for others while this turmoil consumes me from the inside out.
Even after fleshing out this whole entire entry, I still can't see myself alive past junior year, yet I want to do so much... I want to fight.
