Person Of Interest. [GoodGuyFitz]

The Oscars, Or Something. (25)

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"You don't need to explain anything, you don't owe me anything. I should have called beforehand or something. But I do promise to both of you that I won't tell a single soul. I know what it's like to have a secret they can't know about."

~

If you're spending your time wondering what's more important or logical to think about during a crisis it will end up taking all of your energy, making you end up in a cycle of guilt. So instead of torturing yourself, think about what your brain wants to think about. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and you're not an asshole for thinking about something or someone else when another issue seems so much more important.

I'm not an asshole, I know that. And god knows I need to start taking my own advice.

I am an asshole for exploding at Jay, though. I should have taken the multiple unspoken hints that Anna and Jay had more important things to do and talk about. It was their home, and at the end of the day, family does come first over work. There are a lot of things I could have done better in that situation. But what happened, happened. And as I've said a thousand times before, it is what it is.

My brain was reeling over Erics death. I wasn't so upset to the point where I felt crippled with grief, but I still felt it. I couldn't help but wonder if there's something I, or even Cam, could have done or said to change Erics mind. To have made him reconsider staying in my house. If I had known the possibilities of Eric getting hurt I probably would have preferred him crashing Cam and I's little date. Playing the 'What if?' game isn't healthy or going to help anyone, but it's all I could consider until I get to Ryans house and talk everything over with the lads.

I kept juggling the incident with Jay and Anna as well. Two important things stood out in the less than five-minute stay I had in their home. I knew Anna had a baby, unknowingly to her and Jay. I kept it to myself though, because I had found out on my own nosey terms. I thought that if I had brought it up I'd be grilled and berated by him for not keeping my nose in my own business.

What stood out, is that he said they were pregnant with a baby they couldn't have. There could be multiple reasons they wouldn't be able to have the baby. Jay and Anna don't seem like the type that would be disappointed over having another child, no matter the time. Perhaps it was the lads they'd have a hard time hiding it from. I can only assume it's hard enough to hide one baby from them. I can't imagine hiding two babies from them.

Thinking it was just because of the lads makes me naive, though. For all I know it could be because she has some underlying health issue that stops her from having this baby. But now that I'm thinking about the lads, I don't think they'd have a general issue with a baby. It's Ryan they have to worry about. In fact, it's Ryan that all of us have to worry about. He's the guy with the guns blazing, the alpha, the top gun. You can't counter him.

It makes me sad to think they need to hide that from him, to hide their family. I was told the story of how Jay works for Ryan to pay back debt, but for how long? Jay was by himself, he couldn't have done that much damage to Ryan. Unless there's something they hadn't told me? But that doesn't make sense to me. Then again, nothing makes sense with how tight nit Ryan keeps everything.

The second thing that stood out, was Jay saying, "I forgot this was happening today." What did he mean by that? The only logical thing is that he was so stressed with Anna, that he meant to say he forgot we were all out looking for Eric. If I were to take that out of context, it would seem like he knew something bad was going to happen to Eric. If he knew something that bad, or something bad would happen to Eric, why wouldn't he warn the others or let them know?