Reviewing The Future[Closed for Catch-Up]

Remember Me

Book: Remember Me
Author: @Hopelessly_Weird
Fanfiction: BTS
Review Type: Intro

//I usually would only do two chapters for an intro review, but because this story only has three, I did all three.//

Chapter 1
• At the beginning of this chapter your description was top notch. I loved it! But you fell into the trap of having very long sentences, all in a row. Sentence length variation is important! Without it, everything seems to drone on and on. You don't want people to skim over your excellently written exposition. Long sentences are good, but they are better when they're split up by shorter sentences.
• Be careful about using semi-colons. You used them well when you did, but use them sparingly. They're a dangerous tool.
• One sentence paragraphs bring drama. But the drama fades when you do two in a row. You did this when you announced that she was waiting for her fiancé, then told us he was Jung-kook. To give it the drama you wanted, you can do two things: move the sentence to the paragraph before, or combine it into one sentence.
• You italicized "she", then put the word "herself" after. Italicizing is supposed to add emphasis, but you took it away by adding "herself" after it. I understand that you were clarifying it was Soo-yeon you were talking about, but it feels redundant. In truth, italicizing "she" does you no favours. Un-italicize it and delete the word "herself".
• "So she decided to break up with him, today when they meet". This sentence has its tenses mixed up. The beginning implies she already broke up with him, but the second part says she hasn't yet. The tense switch is confusing. Instead of using the word "to", switch it with something like "she would". Just to clear up your tenses.
• You use a lot of one sentence paragraphs. Having too many decreases the drama they give. A sentence needs to earn the drama of a one sentence paragraph. Don't give them out freely.
• The line of her not understanding why he'd give her things that die is important. It's part of a key theme if your book. Yet when it was actually said in the story, it fell flat. It fell flat because she had just thought the exact same thing. It was too repetitive. You don't want that important line—which is in your summary—to be repetitive. You should think about deleting her thoughts previous to the line or changing them. It was just too much of the same wording.
• "A middle-aged man shouted orders". Delete the word "orders", it's not needed and just confuses the sentence more.
• The train is in commotion, but you seem to be focusing solely on what's happening to everyone as a whole. Tell us some things about what's happening to Soo-yeon. Is she panicking? Has she fallen from her seat? She is your main character after all.
• "The train shaking much more than ever before". It's fragmented like that. Add the word "was" in between train and shaking. You actually have a lot of these sentences throughout your book, so be wary of that.
• "Suddenly a heavy feeling burdened her shoulders, a thousand weights heavier". That sentence is worded awkwardly, especially with the word "heavy" in there twice. Maybe change the first "heavy" for "unbearable", then tell us what it is a thousand weights heavier than. Is it heavier than a pile of bricks? Heavier than a feather? The Statue of Liberty?
• I like the specific bolded lines near the end of this chapter. It's a brave choice, but it works well. Gives them extra meaning.
• Her character change seems too sudden. (When she decides that she still loves Jung-kook and all that.) I understand she's in a life-and-death situation, but it's still a complete turn around from her original personality. This is fine, but don't make her stick to this rash decision. She should doubt this decision, question it, change her mind, and debate some more. She shouldn't just immediately commit to this new decision.

Chapter 2
• You said "her sweat rolled down". You don't need to specify that it's her sweat, that's a little weird. As well, where did the sweat roll down? Her legs? Her arms? Her face? I don't know, because you didn't say.
• "The woman pointed to the side of Soo-yeon's head, ripping off a part of her robe, all the while looking around, trying to see if someone had followed them". Run-on sentence. I'd split that up after she ripped of a piece of her robe, and make the looking around a new sentence. Also, Soo-yeon is dazed at this point. How does she know Jae-hwa is looking to see if someone followed them? I'd make it more like: "she looked around, as if to see if someone was following them".
• You put the sentence "blood" as it's own paragraph, leading us to believe this is a very dire situation. But you undermine it next paragraph when you say Soo-yeon was only "a little bit fearful". Either make the blood reveal less dramatic or make her more worried. Or, you could delete that whole sentence of her being fearful of the situation she's in. The transition would be better without it. That sentence is more telling than showing, and you do a great job of showing in her dialog the next paragraph. Deleting the sentence about her being only "a little bit fearful" of the situation she's in would work the best.
• What happened to the back of her clothes being wet? She was laying down in a river, then magically her clothes were dry again. You never mentioned them being as soaked, even though they would be.
• You have a lot of word repetition in either the same sentence, or two sentences beside each other. Example: you say how the trees and flowers are endless, and in the next sentence you say how the birds' chirping is endless. That's repetitive. Switch one of the "endless" for a different word. I'd suggest using a Thesaurus. thesaurus.com can be a great help.
• "The women pondered with a questioning look in her eyes". This is redundant. Pondering means to question. I'd suggest deleting the "with a questioning look in her eyes" or switch "pondered" for "said".
• "Doubt, disbelief, and confusion" are all more or less synonyms. You don't need all three.
• When she finds the blue flower, you write "small blue petals seen in sight". She can't see the flower, it's behind her ear. As well, seen in sight is not a great collection of words. You could exchange "sight" for "daylight" instead.
• The flower should not be "alive and well". She was just laying in a river. It should be wet, or at the very least smushed. You could have her notice the flower because it's dripping water on her neck.
• When you say Jae-hwa tackles Soo-yeon to the ground, it falls flat. Tell us about Soo-yeon's back hitting the ground, or tripping over her clothes, or the ache in her back from being tackled.
• You don't need to tell us that the strong and husky voice is a man's. People will assume it is. Or you could say a "strong male voice". Just how you reveal it's a man's voice seems unneeded and out of place.
• Your character description is really well done! It provides great visualization for the reader.
• "Not once in their lives were they ever so unlucky to the point to be caught, at least by nobility, that is". That sentence is long and doesn't give the shock you're looking for. You just revealed he's nobility! I'd split it up by saying they were never so unlucky to get caught, then in a new sentence tell us he's by nobility. But don't use the "that is". That also takes away from the shock you're delivering.
• The guy(who's nobility) shows his shock at them being women a bit late. He revealed himself awhile ago and only now he looks shocked. I realize no ones talked yet, but you should say he looks surprised right from when you describe his character. Or instead of mentioning his lopsided smile(after you tell us about him holding the sword), say how his face looks shocked.
• One of the clues to Soo-yeon is how they speak differently from her time. Except they don't really speak that different? I see no difference in speech/slang.
• Check over this chapter. You have extra spaces between paragraphs you don't need in some places.
• You use italicizing sparingly, which is good, but you italicizes words that don't really work. Italicizing should make a point. You're not making a point with the words you're italicizing.
• Excellent end to the chapter!

Chapter 3
• Your first sentence should be a hook. Your description was great, but it was not a hook. The sentence was too long for it to be a hook. It was a run-on sentence, I would shorten that.
• "Beside Soo-yeon, there walked Jae-hwa; her gaze fixated on the things that were in front, eyes ever so distant and brows slightly knitted together". This is a really good sentence! Great use of a semi-colon.
• This chapter had good uses of italicizing. They emphasized your point, good job.
• This has happened in multiple spots, and not just this chapter, but when someone's speaking, and there's an action or description, and then more speaking from the same person, that can all be one paragraph. You don't need another paragraph when the same person goes back to speaking. Sometimes making a new paragraph works fine, but at other times it would flow better if you kept it the same paragraph. One example that you should make all one paragraph is when Soo-yeon tells Jae-hwa not to beat herself up about it, then that they'll definitely find a way. Both dialog and action can be joined together in the holy matrimony of one paragraph.
• The city wall description was marvellous!
• "Letting his hold on her loosen as he sat up from the ground; clothes slightly dirty from falling". Either change the beginning to "he let" from "letting", or replace the "as" with a comma. Also you don't need a semi-colon there, use a comma and add the word "his" after "ground".

Overall
• You have a very romantic style of writing. And I don't mean you write romance, I just mean with your description and tone of writing... it's all very romantic. Which is not at all a bad thing! (Unless you want to write a gritty murder novel).
• I know I'm nagging on you for having too much long sentences, but there was quite a few spots where you split up sentences when you shouldn't have. One sentence would become a fragment and didn't flow nicely. Watch for that.
•Your plot is amazing! It's original and different. I love how it works and you definitely deserve all the views you've gotten.
• One last thing: how to write dialog. I'm going to let you in on the secrets of how to write dialog. (For the author of Nighttime, if you're reading this, pay attention too.) Here's a quick how-to on writing punctuation in dialog:
If the dialog tag is "she said" or "he asked", or anything of that sort, the sentence of dialog ends with a comma, and the dialog tag is not capitalized(because the dialog tag is still part of the sentence).
Correct Example:
"I like cheese," she said.
Incorrect Examples:
"I like cheese." he said.
"I like cheese," He said.
If there is no dialog, and an action instead, like "he laughed" or "she waved her hands", or anything of that sort, the sentence ends with a period. The next sentence is then capitalized.
Correct Example:
"I like cheese." He smiled.
Incorrect Example:
"I like cheese," he laughed.

⭐️ Take my advice at your own leisure, but I'm sure these tips will help you. Keep writing your story! It will blossom into a great novel.

~Happy writing~