Reviewing The Future[Closed for Catch-Up]

When Bluebirds Fly

Book: When Bluebirds Fly
Author: @wigglysubu
Review Type: Beginning

// This will be the last review I publish for the next week and a half. I'll be on vacation. I'll try to still review them, but no promises. And actual updates won't happen until after that duration of time. I promise I'll get to all the reviews eventually. //

Prologue
• First sentence has too much description. I'm not talking about the quote. You shouldn't describe a tree so intently in your first sentence. Your hook should be simple and not long. Add the description about the tree in a new sentence after it.
• Great word choice, great description.
• Comma after "people" and before "if lucky".
• Run-on sentence in the last sentence of the first paragraph.
• I like the repetitive contrast with the "why" questions about the bird, then her.
• Sentence variation. A lot of writers fall into this trap. Short sentences are good too. Don't be afraid to use them. They provide smoother, more engaging writing. This is a note for the beginning of the chapter, but in the second half the long sentences actually flowed very well. So my tip is just be cautious of the sentence length, and to switch it up occasionally when the opportunity hits.
• How did the blank pages flutter? Paper doesn't move on it's own accord. Was it because of her setting the book down? Or is their wind? Tell us about that. Maybe put "the blank pages fluttered with the motion".
• Typo—you did "ny" instead of "my".
• Your writing is very descriptive and imaginative. I love it.

Chapter One
• You don't need to tell us everything she keeps in her drawers. If you want to show us her poverty, say there were few clothes and most had holes or were hand-me-downs.
• "The tuition fees is too high". Wrong tense. "The tuition fees are too high".
• Delete the "calling me back" after the dash and before "party because I didn't wish to be late". It's a good sentence without the "calling me back", it seems oddly placed in there.
• You just name dropped. Who the heck is Sam? You gotta give us more than just a name. Maybe, "Sam, my dog" or "Sam, my curly-haired neighbour". Literally anything because I have no clue who Sam is.
• "Attending calls and of the cashier" that sentence doesn't make sense. You can't be "of the cashier". Maybe you're missing a word?

Chapter Two
• Personality switch. She's suddenly cold. It seems out of character, but that's probably because we haven't seen much of her. We need more backstory on this Isaac guy to know why she's so cold. At least give us some vague sentence.
• Put Lola's "boy trouble" in a new paragraph. Even if it's on its own. It feels wrong tacked on at the end of that paragraph.
• No comma after "couldn't help" and before "but feel sorry for him". The comma is unnecessary and interrupts flow.
• Mariana's harsh wow.

Chapter Three
• When you're describing the soda/pop flavours it seems weird. You have one dash but not another that would tie it together. It's confusing.
• I love the description about Isaac's eyes. Just try to be a little more clear when you're saying how the rain would hit "them", and then going back to the other "them" in the present moment.
• Delete the word "itself" in the sentence about Sam breaking up with his girlfriend because his mom approved. Without the word "itself" it sounds better and keeps the meaning.

Chapter Four
• Don't use three dashes, it's disorienting and doesn't fit. Just use two.
• It's disorienting for Isaac's eyes to suddenly hold "ferocity" when a minute ago they were soft. Tell us it was sudden—and it was gone as soon as it came. That seems more realistic and gives extra detail.
• "A genuine smile which wasn't to conceal any melancholy spread across his lips". That sounds awkward. Try something like: "a genuine smile, with no melancholy concealed behind it, spread across his lips".
• Don't use "he bantered". That sounds bad and just no. You can delete that part and put the dialog right after the smile with no melancholy line, joining that paragraph.

Chapter Five
• The paragraph of her describing the apartment to Abel has a few mistakes. First one—there needs to be the word "is" between "upstairs" and "constantly". Also, how does their fighting affect power outages? Second—"atom bombs like being dropped". That sounds awkward. Maybe change it to "hear things like atom bombs being dropped". Third—no capital after a dash, the "a" is not capitalized. As well, no capital after the dot dot dot. "You'll" isn't capitalized.

Chapter Six
• Great description, and it takes into account Mariana's view from poverty. It's well done.
• Remember shorter sentences are good too.

Chapter Seven
• Saying Tony has an innocent smile on his face implies he did something bad. I realize he has an innocent smile because he's innocent, but... it doesn't come across that way.
• When did she start making coffee? Or attending to customers? You should put in somewhere amongst her thoughts that "she started to make a customers order" or something. It seems sudden and weird that she's holding coffee. (This is before it splashes on Isaac.)
• "I'll wash it and bring". Bring what? Is that supposed to be "bleach"?
• He wouldn't be "languidly" walking to the bathroom after being splashed with hot coffee. He shouldn't be that calm. Just say he walked to the bathroom, without an adverb.
• "Liquidy" and "stubborn" can't both be used to describe a set of eyes at the same time. Pick one or the other. It doesn't fit to have both.
• If that's Isaac and Mariana's last meeting(in the memory), it doesn't not live up to hype or lasting reactions Mariana has. It seemed like something awful had happened, or maybe she told him off. I hope you plan to give us more on their last interactions before meeting again at the coffee shop.

Chapter Eight
• No actual notes on this chapter, except that I really hope she brings Isaac to her mother's wedding.
• Also, that memory at the end wasn't needed. Or at least how you did it. Instead, you could do "suddenly I was twelve years old again, playing catch with a wall, when I heard a gunshot for the first time". And then go on to explain meeting Sam and etc. Just it not being directly a memory. Of course, if you want to keep that much detail, keep the memory. It's just not explicitly needed.

Overall
• This is a cool idea you've set up—four different parts so four different stories her life could take. It's going to be really cool when it comes together in the end!
• You don't always need fancy dialog tags. Sometimes "said" is better than "stated" or "replied soberly". Too much fancy dialog tags gets exhausting. Dialog tags are supposed to fade into the background.
• Careful with using too many adverbs.

⭐️ Take my advice, or throw it in the trash. (I'd prefer if you didn't do the latter actually, I spent my time doing this.) But this advice will take your story above and beyond! It's already very well written.

~Happy writing~