Reviewing The Future[Closed for Catch-Up]

Blood Ties

Book: Blood Ties
Author: AMMitchell1
Review Type: Beginning

// Sorry! I've been on hiatus for forever. This just became unimportant compared to everything else. But now in self-isolation, I guess it's time to actually finish these requests. //

Chapter One
• Great hook.
• The first paragraph feels... off. For the last sentence try getting rid of the beginning "so". And put "exactly" in front of "fourteen days". I feel like that will help the paragraph sound right. Your first paragraph is very important in making a good impression, it sets the tone for the reader. People make up their mind about whether or not they'll like a book very quickly.
• Your paragraph about describing about how he isn't famous has little sentence variation. Add more short sentences into the mix.
• When he talks about having seen the movie Notting Hill, it should be two sentences. End it before "what can I say" and start that as a new sentence.
• There should be a period after he says "right" not a comma, because there's no dialog tag. He's doing an action(ripping up the tissue), so dialog ends with a period.
• This was a very good first chapter to get us introduced to all the characters and Nate. You told us about him and his life without info dumping. It was a good way to slyly include information.
• When your dialog ends with a question mark, your dialog tag is still lowercased. It might seem odd, but that's how the rules go.
• "She says, her tone hovers between exasperated and encouraging". Change "hovers" to "hovering". That "she" should also be lowercased because it's a dialog tag. (When the guidance counsellor's asking for a hint about what he's here for.)
• "More of the same, anger, confusion, hurt, they won't let up." Awkward commas. Try "same: anger, confusion, hurt—they won't let up."
• Just remember, dialog tags are always lowercased!! Always always always!!
• "I go full adolescent" is a bit of a weird sentence. I get what you're meaning, it's just a weird way to say it. Maybe try "I know I'm acting like a child, but I don't care."

Chapter Two
• In the first sentence, I wouldn't use "instructs" as the dialog tag. His last sentence isn't an instruction, it's a cocky statement. Try "says". Honestly, "said" is better than trying for a fancy word.
• "Jack bates." Bates? I checked the dictionary and it didn't seem to be a way of speaking... maybe I just didn't find it. Did you mean baits? Like, he's baiting her so she gets mad?
• "I presume that is the decision made" is worded a bit weirdly. You could switch it for "I presume that is the final decision".
• You don't need a period after "miss". You only need a period when it's Mrs. or Mr. or Ms. not "miss".
• I feel like mimics would be a better word than parrots, but maybe that's just my personal preference.
• This sentence: "I know I shouldn't laugh; it will only encourage Jack, but I can't help but let out an amused snort." Instead of a semi-colon then a comma, exchange both for an en-dash(—). Like: "I know I shouldn't laugh—it will only encourage Jack—but I can't help but let out an amused snort." Otherwise, split the sentence up.
• "Now Belfast's divorce has settled". Instead, do "now that Belfast's divorce".
• "Rear-view mirror" not "revision mirror". And end that sentence after "mirror". The rest can be a separate sentence, so it doesn't seem like a run-on.
• Try to make sure not every paragraph is the same length. Short paragraphs can be helpful too.
• "Jack's position of edgiest kid" not "Jacks position".
• When Nate says "driving" there should be a period after "my head", and then "driving" should be capitalized.
• The transfer from the car to Jack's pool house is disjointed. When you're describing Jack's pool house, maybe mention something like "walking in, it still smelled like beer as always" or something like that. There's no smooth transition to inside the house, just suddenly they've appeared inside after you gave a backstory on it.
• You don't need to state that Jack is clueless when he asks "are what bad" because it's obvious he's clueless.
• Don't put a semi-colon after "Jack scoffs", put a period.

Chapter Three
• I might just be missing something but why is Jack mad? He went from cool to suddenly mad. Try to make his transition of emotions more fluid and controlled because it seems weird. There are ways to make his reason for anger vague without confusing the reader.
• Always end sentences with periods, especially when it's the end of the paragraph!
• The paragraph when you're talking about the teachers realizing the punch is spiked, and you say "it's an impressive feat given it's a catered event" separate that part of the sentence with en-dashes, not commas. Commas make it split up and a run-on sentence.
• When you say "that letter arrived" it sounds like he received a letter from someone. Aren't you talking about the blood test results? Because it doesn't sound like you are. Exchange "letter" for "blood test results" or something like that. Unless there's a completely different letter that we don't know about yet.

Chapter Four
• When you talk about the Mom needing the gallery opening to reform her image, you can split it into two paragraphs. Maybe at "I guess she's fine we'll for herself" or somewhere else in there you see fit. Also, in that paragraph, change "momis" to "mom is".
• The last paragraph of this chapter is waaaaay too long. Split it up into multiple paragraphs! Don't be afraid to do so. When the thought changes direction, split it up and hit enter on the keyboard!

Chapter Five
• When you say Eden's legs are swinging, it sounds like her legs are laughing. Try putting "on the bench, as her laugh rings out through the kitchen" or something like that. You need something before the word "laughing".
• You don't need a dash between "of course".
• The sentence with the "of-course" about the position being staged is too long. End it at "or at least the positioning of it all is" and start the next sentence at "her laughter maybe not".
• I don't think school guidance counsellors use their first name. Isn't it supposed to be professional? I'd see her signing the email with her last name, not first.
• "Drunk driving" not "drink driving" in Eden's sentence talking about the party.
• I was questioning Eden's personality compared to what she's been described, and by the end it all made sense. You've portrayed her perfectly through a sibling's eyes and based on who she actually is. There's no flaw there.

Chapter Six
• No comments here :)

Chapter Seven
• No comments here either.

Chapter Eight
• Just another reminder: it's drunk driving, not drink-driving.
• There should be a space between "well" and "of" when the principal's speaking to Charlotte.
• Watch those long paragraphs! Split them up!
• "Will has two mom's". It should be "moms" not "mom's". Plural not possessive form.
• After you finish going through all of his friends in the situation, end the paragraph and start a new one with the rest of the sentences.

Overall
• The title "Blood Ties" is a very common title among books, especially Wattpad books. You may want to consider changing it, or adding something to it. Like maybe "Presidential Blood Ties" or something. "Blood Ties" also gives the book a fantasy/horror feel, which isn't your book at all. It does make perfect sense though.
• Try to avoid long paragraphs, just because on Wattpad they're exhausting to read. Honestly, in any format they get a bit exhausting to read.
• Follow the dialog instructions I gave you(there's more spots then I pointed out that need fixing), and if you're confused, don't be afraid to ask me to clarify.

⭐️ This book has an awesome premise, and I'm excited to see where it takes you. I could definitely see this idea as a movie too. Continue writing and I'm sure it will be brilliant!

~Happy writing~