Reviewing The Future[Closed for Catch-Up]

What We Left Behind

Title: What We Left Behind
Author: stxrkissed
Review Type: Intro

Prologue

• Perfect hook. It has emotion, it has grip, and it makes you feel something. Perfect way to start a story, and it fits your plot.

• In the second paragraph(or first full paragraph) "glass" seems a little repetitive back to back like that. I know it's hard to avoid using it, but might I suggest switching "raced down" to "raced downwards" and deleting the rest so you end the sentence there.

• Is she actually saying aloud "goodbye" or just writing it on the window? If it's just on the window, delete the quotations and put it in italics. The ellipses(...) is perfect though. The whole "goodbye" is very saddening and gets the forlorn sadness you're intending across.

• In the paragraph after the "goodbye..." I have two critiques. First, it should be multiple paragraphs. At least two. It's too much in one paragraph—don't be afraid of two paragraphs! I'd suggest starting a new paragraph at "she swallowed".

• My other critique: she lifts her head twice. She lifts it, and there's no mentions of her lowering it, and then she lifts it again. Maybe make her lower her head "with a sigh", so she can raise it later when she looks at him.

• "Unclouded by fever". This sentence currently doesn't make sense to the reader, but provides great foreshadowing for future information. I like it.

• I love the description of being smudged like one of Monet's painting, but I have to wonder, how can one be smudged? Do you mean her view of him through the window?  I suggest rewriting the sentence to: "The droplets hammered relentlessly at my window, as if they didn't mean to stop until his frail figure smudged like one of Monet's paintings."

•  "Drinking in the details etched on his features" is a bit much. Maybe just do: "drinking in the details of his features".

• Can she actually see him from her space shuttle? I love the description and the words and that whole paragraph, but can she actually see him? Your earlier words made it seem like he was very far away, plus there's rain obscuring her vision. Maybe alter a few things so that makes more sense.

• "To see him smile after the world fell apart..." I love it!! Totally love it. It conveys emotion, tells us about the sadness of the main character, and alludes to what happened to the world.

• You italicized "the smile was for her sake" but I honestly think the "goodbye" or the first sentence would be more deserving of being italicized. I think that line(smile for her sake) would convey just as much meaning if it wasn't italicized. In fact, if it sits dully(when it's unitalicized) that might even work better. Don't overemphasize heartbreak—it takes away the emotion. Let it be simple and felt.

• In the paragraph after "the smile was for my sake", the second sentence is a run-on. You need to separate it into two sentences because it's just too long. I assume you're trying to avoid starting too many sentences with "she" but trust me, it'd be better to start another sentence with "she" instead of having that run-on sentence. End the sentence before "before". To avoid starting the next sentence with "she" you could do: "Throwing the cloak over her head, she walked away." That would improve the paragraph tenfold. You don't want that amazing description to be masked by annoyingly long sentences.

• The "I'm sorry" should definitely be italicized so good job for that. 👍

• How can you taste a "kaleidoscope of memories"? How it's worded is very weird. Try "a taste of salt, and something that brought a kaleidoscope of memories". And then end the sentence there. If you continue the sentence it's too long and a run-on.