Reviewing The Future[Closed for Catch-Up]

Lost in Amsterdam

Book: Lost in Amsterdam
Author: perdida_princesa19
Review Type: Beginning

// I am so sorry I never updated this. Since going back to redo this would take longer, I'm publishing the notes I had from a few months ago. Sorry about this. I'll try to catch up on the last reviews I have. //

First look:
- The colours of the cover are really cool. The font isn't the best(a little unprofessional) but it's not bad. It's pretty good.
- The description of your story needs work. It sounds more like story notes you made for yourself than something for the readers. It should hook them into wanting to read! Try writing more actively instead of passively(you'll have to look that up for an explanation). Especially your first sentence. Try something like this:
Amber Heller may not be famous, but she's got a famous family. A sister who acts in popular (?television?) series's, a musical producer as her father, and a film director mother.
- that could help you a bit. The rest of it is better, especially the last paragraph.

Chapter One
• "At the end of" you missed "the day". It's in the italicized part at the beginning.
• I really encourage you to look up the difference between passive and active writing. I think you just need a bit more of active writing.
• You don't need to describe every inch of Bianca's appearance. In fact, I can't even really put a face to her, just various small details. It's too much, with too small details that don't matter as much. Give us a reason that Amber is listing these characteristics. Is Bianca's lipstick sloppily applied, or shockingly bright? And instead of saying she was wearing high heels, when you talk about her footsteps mention her "heels clacked against the wood floor" or something.
• A few sentences that should be re-worked with simple changes: "the sound of Bianca's footsteps was heard throughout the hall where I sat and within a few minutes, Bianca stood in front of me." to "Bianca's footsteps echoed throughout the hall, telling me she was coming my way. And when I looked up, sure enough, she was in front of me." (Or something like that.)
• Also: "she was wearing high heels, as always, and was wearing a pink dress" should be "she was wearing high heels, as always, and a pink dress" (or ditch it as I said earlier and describe her figure by describing the dress).
• A few details that don't need to be mentioned: her purple polish, her brown eyes. If you want to mention her nail polish later on as she does some hand gesture, that would be a good place to mention. Brown eyes really don't have reason to be mentioned, and they don't contribute to her character. Good thing for you to know, less consequential for us.
• First thing about dialogue: dialog tags are NEVER capitalized. Even when the dialogue ends with a question mark, it should be lower-cased. So it should look like this: "Mom is waiting for us in the car, why are you still here?" she asked quickly.
• Instead of saying "she asked quickly" and then going on to say she's impatient isn't needed. Instead either say "she said impatiently" or ditch the dialogue tag and put an action like "she tapped her foot impatiently".
• You mention how she looks at the stage and what's on the stage, but insert her thoughts somewhere there like "somehow, without my notice, the show had ended". Just so we're sure of what's happening.
• Okay, I pictured her in a house. To stop the reader from picturing that, instead of putting "hall" when you mention Bianca walking, say something about her footsteps echoing off the dome walls of it was a big empty space. Or mention her walking down all the wide steps beside rows of seats to get to her sister.
• You always always ALWAYS need punctuation at the end of dialogue. If you're including a dialogue tag and the sentence is not over, it's a comma. If no dialogue tag, it's a period. Always have punctuation! And it goes before the quotation mark. Like so: "That's right," she said.
• You use a semi-colon(;) but don't. They're hard to use; you misused it. That's kinda how you would use it but even I'm not exactly positive. If you were going to use it in the sentence it would look like this: "My parents didn't like her to do it; so not once or twice, I would help her get out of the house." That's where the semi-colon would fit better. Also reword that sentence it sounds awkward. "So not once or twice" is weird.
• Your paragraph about her talking about being not annoying is weird. It almost seems like you used the word intolerable wrong, in the way you used it in the sentence. Rephrase it, if you're genuinely mean she's not annoying. Also, you don't need to tell us that. Whether or not someone's annoying is something we should see in character actions, not be told by the writer.
• "She smiled" or "she sighed" are not dialogue tags. They are actions, so they are capitalized and the dialogue must end with a period. Trust me, check out a novel if you don't believe me.
• Try to disconnect the actions from the dialogue tag. Don't be afraid to end the sentence at "she said" and then move on to the action. Like: "You have no right to judge me," she said. We were walking quickly to *our* mother's black car parked at the end of the street. You might also want to make that part a new paragraph.
• Don't be afraid to have no dialogue tag. If you just have an action instead, it's totally cool. It implies who's talking, so there's no confusion. Also, you can have dialogue tags and actions BEFORE the dialogue. Don't shy away from that! It helps break up the monotony and is actually extremely helpful and aids the reader visually.
• Spoiler is not capitalized, and it's "a spoiler".
• Always have punctuation in dialogue!! Especially if the paragraph ends with dialogue(it's a period then, BTW).
• When the dialogue ends with a question mark or exclamation mark, thevduslogue tag is lowercased. Correct Example: "What?" she said. Though really you don't need the "she said" here, just do something like "she looked back at me."
• If you're going to say her father lived in a prestigious building, you've got to describe it. Otherwise, maybe say it after you say there's a guard in the lobby to clarify that it's a classy building.
• You have random sentences that aren't spaced correctly with the paragraphs, but aren't part of a paragraph either? Check that. They're also sentences that need more explanation around them or need to be attached to something. Give them a home in a paragraph, or give them another space between the paragraph above them. (Preferably the former.)