Reviewing The Future[Closed for Catch-Up]

The World Which I Belong

Book: The World Which I Belong
Author: @kairos—
Review Type: Beginning

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Prelude
• "They all waited to move again, until one night. The fighting stopped." It seems awkward with the sentence split up like that. You're looking for drama. Either make the fighting stopped sentence in a new, one sentence paragraph, or drop the drama and join it with the paragraph before. I'd suggest making it a new paragraph though.
• "Gangs tried to copy what the clans had tried to accomplish" what did the clans try to accomplish? You say they fight and destroy, take over villages, but you don't mention a final goal. That just makes this sentence a little bit confusing. If you say that as the clans conquered and fought they were trying to take over the country, that would make sense. Or just reword this sentence to something like: "gangs tried to copy what the clans had done" and that would work with the rest of your writing.
• Are the clans against each other? Or working together? It's not clear. That's maybe something you should clarify.
• Great writing and description! Your sentence variation was good, and everything flowed nicely.
• It was a well done intro to your story.

"Part One"
• I'm not counting this as a chapter, don't worry.
• Instead of italicizing "and then" do quotations like I just did. You could keep the italicizing, but the proper form is "and then". It is fine how you have it though, if you want to keep it. It's not a big deal, just something I'd thought I'd point out.

Chapter One
• Good hook, but the second sentence is kind of awkward. Usually I'd say make it part of your previous sentence but that sentence is your hook and you don't want it too long. So instead I'd say add something to the beginning. Instead of "to the village of all things", maybe do "let alone to the village of all things". Just two words can help you.
• You say the farthest she's been is to collect various fruits. But for all we know that was on the other side of the country. If you add "in the neighbouring orchard" to one of those sentences, it will increase the impression that she's never been anywhere.
• "When she first got Sam on her tenth, birthday, her aunt gifted Sam to her". Using Sam twice in this sentence is repetitive. Instead do "when she first got Sam on her tenth birthday, her aunt had given him to her." Or, "when she first got Sam on her tenth birthday, it had been a gift from her aunt".
• The whole description of Sam seems kind of clunky. Shorten a few of the descriptions to help that. As well, when you say he looks like a campfire, it's ends up seeming like a throw away part of the sentence. When in reality that's a good description. You could rephrase the sentence to something like this: "he reminded her of a campfire, with his red and orange scales". And then in a different sentence tell us how he was tiny. You could add the mention of him being tiny in the sentence you say her aunt gave her to him. Then it transitions well with how you said Sam wasn't always that size.
• Instead of saying "different" about the breed of lizard, use a more descriptive word. Like "unusual" or "rare".
• You start two sentences in the Sam paragraph description with "her aunt" and it feels repetitive. Start one of the sentences with something different.
• Instead of mother's father, say "grandfather" or "maternal grandfather". Mother's father is awkward wording.
• "That's what it felt like, walking with Sam to the village like she was finally doing something great." That's a run-on sentence. You could fix this in multiple ways: 1) delete the "like she was finally doing something great". You've already eluded what it felt like so you don't necessarily need to tell us. 2) Or reword the whole thing: "it felt like she was doing something great, walking with Sam to the village". (You have sentences like this all over your story, watch out for them.)
• When you said she spoke aloud to Sam and then added the description, it's kind of long. Instead cut it off after "she spoke aloud". Then in a new sentence write: "Sam made a small noise in response, shifting his position on her shoulder. He curled in her dark red hair, his weight pulling at the strands." That kind of rewords the whole paragraph but I think it flows better. But if you choose not the switch it up like I've suggested, just make sure you capitalize the sentence "he curled in her hair" because at the moment the "he" is not capitalized when it should be. Also, you could make a contrast to her dark red hair and his campfire colour body.
• "Abbagail made a grumble trying to recreate the one that Sam made". This can be worded simpler to provide more clarity. "Abbagail mocked Sam, recreating his grumble". Or "Abbagail repeated Sam's grumble".
• "The air smelled like freedom". Nice description. Also, "the" should be capitalized.
• "Sam hadn't seemed to enjoy it" are you telling this story as a past memory? If not, it should be "Sam didn't".
• "The edges slapped her skin making a thunderous noise". The dress' edges? Those would not make a thunderous noise.
• "Sams claws the culprit". Sam should be capitalized, and written like this "Sam's". It's possessive so there's an apostrophe.
• What's Oaisa? The world? You've never mentioned it before.
• "Sam peered at her through his slit eyes that almost looked like he was judging her". Worded awkwardly. You have a lot of these, be careful with that. It makes it, well, awkward. You can reword it like: "Sam peered at her through his slit eyes, making it almost look like he was judging her".
• When you say the scenery started to change, it's a good description, but you never told us what the scenery looked like in the first place. That could be some good description.
• "Excitement built up inside". Inside where? Sam? Abbagail? Say "excitement built up inside her chest".
• When dialog ends with a question mark, the dialog tag is lowercased. I know it seems weird, but that's the proper way. The sentence still continues. So instead of: "Isn't this exciting Sam?" She asked. It's: "Isn't this exciting Sam?" she asked.
• When you say a woman interrupted her concentration, either capitalize "a" to show it's a new sentence, or change it too "a woman said, interrupting her concentration". You're using it as a dialog tag but it's not a dialog tag the way you have it.
• Sentence variation! You have a lot of sentences like this, split up by a comma. Don't be afraid of short sentences! Constant same length sentences get repetitive in the readers mind.
• Describe the woman selling her the charm. Is she old? Young? Creepy looking? Friendly? You have great appearance description later on, but our some of it sooner.
• Not "ill" but "I'll". (When the woman suggests trading the pouch for the necklace).
• You used the word "mine" outside of dialog. Incorrect, as you're writing in third person not first person.
• "It seemed too good to be true but what if it was real". Your writing is good but this is a bad sentence. Either split it into two or change it to: "It seemed too good to be true... but what if it was real?"
• Only use a comma at the end of dialog if there's a dialog tag(she said, he said). If it's an action, that should be a new sentence with a period at the end of dialog and a capitalized letter at the beginning of the new sentence.
• "She walked out of the room, her feet caused the room to squeak with every step". Your tenses are mixed up. Switch "caused" with "causing". Also, "room" is repetitive. Switch the second "room" for "floor". It makes more sense that way anyways.
• "When she turned around, however, the store was gone". You don't need those commas. Delete the comma before however.
• Careful with switching between first person and third person. A few times you switched to first person when you're writing the whole story in third person.
• Watch your capitals in this whole chapter. Some beginning of sentences aren't capitalized when they should be. As well, you didn't capitalize Sam and Abbagail at a few points when you should have.