Reviewing The Future[Closed for Catch-Up]

The Girl in the Picture

Book: The Girl in the Picture
Author: SRC123456789
Review Type: Intro
Added to the Hotlist

// This is the first story to be added to the Hotlist, a new feature I've added to requests. Check it out in the Outline. //

Chapter One "The girl in the picture"
• Your first sentence isn't a hook. There's nothing that specifically makes me want to continue reading. Give me something more exciting. A vague statement about what's to come—anything.
• If you're going to add the "give or take thirty seconds" (which isn't necessary) make it part of the previous sentence with a comma.
• "Occasionally things might block its path", things is too vague. Be more specific. You could exchange it for "obstacles".
• Don't repeat the word "destination". Sometimes repetition works—but the way you use it doesn't. You can keep destination the first two times you use it, but in the sentence "the destination never changes" either switch "the destination" for "it" or make that sentence a part of the last sentence.
• "My destination is set, and I will end up at my destination". That's repetitive, and you need to change one of the "destination". You could change the end of the sentence to "I will end up where I'm meant to be".
• The beginning of this chapter is made up of short sentences. Just short sentences. This is a problem. Sentence variation is key when writing a story—key. So the fact that you have none is an issue. Some sentences need to be longer, and spliced with a comma like this sentence. You need to have an equal balance of short and long sentences. Many of your sentences can easily be joined into a longer sentence. But then, when you start talking about the village, you have a lot of long sentences. Make sure to have a balance.
• "It would be a shame for it's owner to finally lose it". First, it should be "its" not "it's". "It's" stands for "it is". I know ownership with names is shown with an apostrophe, but that's not the same with the word "it". Second, the sentence is worded weirdly. The owner already lost it. It should be something like: "It would be a shame for its owner to never find it again" or something like that.
• Good description on the tired woman.
• Too many commas in this sentence: "that's when I see the phone, smashed, it's case lying, useless, on the ground beside it". Delete the commas before and after "useless".
• "She seems to snap out of a trance" end the sentence there, and make the rest of it a separate sentence.
• Add a space after the ellipses(...).
• There isn't enough description of the picture. Is it only one person? What's their age? What's behind them? Time of day? Outside vs. Inside?

Chapter Two "The Convict"
• "In the same baby grow". What? Did you mean "baby gown"? Is that a typo? It doesn't make sense.
• You need more in between her saying that she's thinks, and then her final sentence of saying "that's me". If you're not going to put more of her thoughts between them(which you should), you need to make it the same paragraph.
• Is the laughing woman in the picture the woman she just met? If it for sure isn't, clarify that. Say something like "I've never seen that woman in my life" (talking about the photo). If Lara's not sure, have her think that it might be.
• If the same person is still talking, and there's only an action(that they're doing) or a dialog tag in between, you can make it the same paragraph. For example, the first two times her mom speaks should be the same paragraph.
• You have an extra period after "I say, like every night".
• Even with a question mark, the dialog tag is still lowercased. "She asks" should be all lowercased.
• You can put dialog tags or actions before dialog in a paragraph, it switches it up.
• "their identities" not "theirs identities".
• It's very late for us to be learning her first name. A way you can put it in earlier is by having someone on the street, in the first chapter, say hello to her. Like: "Good afternoon, Lara!"
• Very good ending to this chapter. It ends on a hook, and makes you want to read more. (Side note: I also read the third chapter, that one has a good ending too.)

Overall
• If you're not going to keep the spaces that Wattpad automatically puts, you need to tab the beginning of each paragraph. Tab, as in the button on the keyboard, or do like ten spaces instead. Then there's also the option of keeping the spaces between Wattpad offers. Otherwise, it all looks lumped together and unappealing. (And we don't want our writing to look unappealing!!)
• This was a very intriguing start, good job!

⭐️ Take this advice at your leisure. I really liked reading this story! It's interesting, and different. Good luck on future writing endeavours!

~Happy writing~