Reviewing The Future[Closed for Catch-Up]

Empty

Book: Empty
Author: @RavenclawsCantDraw
Review Type: Full Story

// A new rule has been implemented regarding full story reviews—the story must be completed. But as this is a new rule, it does not apply to this review.//

Specific Points
• The divider with the star is really cute. But you use it inconsistently. Sometimes you use that divider, and other times you use three dots. And the dots are sometimes on the right, sometimes the left.
• Your dialog punctuation is off. If you use a dialog tag("she said", "he replied", etc.) the dialog ends with a comma. Example: "I like you," she said. The dialog tag is never capitalized. If there is no dialog tag, the sentence ends in a period. If the dialog sentence ends with an exclamation point or question mark, the dialog tag is still not capitalized.
• Whenever someone speaks, it's a new paragraph. Don't combine it in the same paragraph with someone else speaking, or with a whole bunch of description. There was only a few instances were this happened though.
• You're missing spaces between paragraphs in quite a few cases. It seems to happen especially around dialog. Add those spaces back in to fix the formatting.
• Do they have families? If Quinn is at high school, she should be living with her parents. What happened to her parents? It's never explained. Even if families don't exist in this dystopian society, there needs to be an explanation.
• There are a lot of references to current pop culture. Is Harry Potter classical literature in her time? For someone seemingly uninterested in school—and therefore history—she knows a lot of outdated references.
• The sentence structure of Adam's reveal of being empty isn't as dramatic as it should be. Maybe put the sentence of his eyes being tar black as a separate sentence like this: "And his eyes were tar black."
• The end of chapter twenty seven is repeated at the end of chapter twenty eight, with additional information.
• Careful with pronouns. You use them even when it's not perfectly clear who they're referring to. "He" can refer to Luke or Adam. You need to make sure it's entirely clear. Putting the name doesn't hurt. When you say "she" it's uncertain if you're referring to Quinn or Jessie. Even though Quinn's the main character, "she" could refer to either.
• Identifying someone by just the nickname they call the main character is not good. The nickname was so general and so vaguely used that I was not able to remember who called her that. And that meant I, as a reader, had no idea who came through the door that Quinn recognized. Was it Adam? Luke? I don't know.
• When you talk about the empty, who was Adam, use his name occasionally. Even if it's like "the empty I had known as Adam". Just because it started to slip my mind that it was the same guy.
• Your reveal on Adam being one of the empty. It was subtle things overtime, but so much that it was clear that he was an empty. It would be better if you chose one specific spot to reveal to the reader, that yes, he is one of the empty. The subtle hints are good, just give them a direct lead-up before Quinn finds out. It makes it more dramatic.

The Plot
• The empty, and the drained. Exactly how it works is very... unclear. Are the empty and the drained connected? Are they both formed through science experiments? So the empty are formed as kids, and the drained can happen whenever? What is the difference between what the drained and what the empty do? For awhile I thought they were the same thing. You need to make sure you're perfectly clear when you're talking about the empty, and when you're talking about the drained.

Characters
• Quinn—sometimes her personality was contradictory. She seems optimistic but then she doesn't trust anyone. She thinks Adam hasn't changed but is optimistic about fixing everything. Be sure to keep her personality consistent.
• Luke—his personality is consistent, realistic, and just well developed. Good job on him. Even when he's nicer towards the end, it still works with the situation. I hated him at the beginning(which we're supposed to) but I like him now. Good work.
• Adam—he's very nervous in the beginning, but at one point he gets mad at Quinn, and it's completely out of character. (That's around giving Jess the medicine.)
• Jessica—she seems very ditsy most of the time, but at other times she gets serious and lays down information dumps. Her personality is rocky, and a little smoothing out would help.

Overall
• Make sure you try to be as clear as possible. Clarity is important, especially when explaining things you've created.
• I don't know how you're going to wrap up the story, but make sure however you choose Adam, Luke and Quinn's relationship to end, make it fit the story and their personalities.

⭐️ Take my advice, or don't. You have original ideas and I love them! Keep on writing.

~Happy writing~