Reviewing The Future[Closed for Catch-Up]

Enemies Forever

Book: Enemies Forever
Author: dazzlingmeteors
Review Type: Beginning

//I've changed the rules for beginning reviews. Originally it was ten chapters, but now it's eight. This is the last review I'm doing as eight because it was requested before I changed the rules.//

Chapter Zero
• Don't worry this doesn't count as one of your chapters. I just really wanted to mention how I love the fact that Christian is Shawn Mendes. I am in love with Shawn❤️
• Other note, love the aesthetics.

Chapter One "shooting fights"
• When you first write Christian's name, you call him Chris. As someone who's only ever seen his name in the summary, you should call him Christian first. Just so the readers are very clear on who this is. (I have another note on this at the end.)
• "I was watching Chris-like a hawk-walking in the cafeteria". I know some people say not to use the dashes ever, but I'm not one of those people. I use dashes like that a lot. But, in this case they don't work too well. It makes the sentence a bit awkward. Try something like: "I was watching Chris like a hawk as he entered the cafeteria". It flows better.
• If you have a dialog tag(she says, he asks, she explained) the end of your dialog has a comma. (If this explanation is confusing, go to the end of the Remember Me review. The examples are in bold.)
• Carter ruffles her hair. It seems like it's a response to what she said, yet I don't understand how it connects? Put Carter ruffling her hair in a new paragraph to show it's not connected. Also, if you give him a piece of dialog with it, the ruffling hair makes more sense.
• "I looked at Carter and scowled" that can be in the same paragraph as when she tells him to go away.
• How did lettuce get down his pants? (That's a sentence I never thought I'd say.) Unless he's wearing really loose pants, the lettuce would not reach there. He seems more of a skinny jeans type of guy.
• Is the apple still stuck on her head? You never said she took it off. Or does she just do this whole scene with an apple on her head?
• Most of your sentences are long ones, split up by a comma. There's nothing wrong with those sentences. Just don't be afraid to have shorter sentences. Sentence length variation is very important, it keeps the reader interested.
• "Suddenly I punched his nose and luckily, I punched him pretty hard until his nose bled". Awkward repetitive sentence. Don't use the same word twice in a sentence. Also, you can shorten this sentence easily. Don't fall into the trap of thinking only long sentences are good. As well, you don't need the "suddenly". Actions from the main character shouldn't be "sudden". Tell us about how she's really mad. Then have her punch him. That makes the punch flow smoothly in without the "suddenly". You could redo this sentence like: "Angry, I punched him. And it must've been pretty hard, because his nose started to bleed." That gets both pieces of information in, but with two sentences. You have a few sentences like this, so I'd go over and check for that.
• You have a lot of glaring. Maybe replace a few of those "glares" with a synonym. As well, things are escalating quickly. They glare, then someone punches. The actions seem almost... unearned. If you give us more of how Hailey is feeling that might help us understand why she's going straight to punching. This also makes us assume she's a very violent person, which I don't know if you want or not.
• I understand you're trying to make this principal seem mean, but even so a principal wouldn't call students "brats" that blatantly. Maybe in private, but not in front of everyone. Also, a stern voice can portray as much anger as yelling. Just a tip to think about.
• "If you brats keep playing that stupid pranks". It should be "those stupid pranks" because it's plural.
• "I didn't flinch nor scared because I get used to his crazy madness". You need the word "get" before "scared" or else it doesn't make sense. As well, your tenses are mixed up. Instead of "because I get used to" you need "because I have gotten used to".
• Where did Mr. Hudson let them out of? You never actually told us they went into his office. You could have more description there. Tell us about the walk to the principals office, how Chris' nose is bleeding, and how she's not feeling remorse. Tell us about what the principal's office looks like, how she's not listening, and how she wishes she could've punched Chris again. It will give your story more depth that way.
• Try to not have so many sentences starting with "I". It gets repetitive.
• After a dialog ending in a question mark, the dialog tag needs to be lowercased. I know it seems weird, but trust me that's the proper way. Example: "Are you sure?" he asked.
• "I smiled and pay attention to the teacher". Should be "paid attention".
• You wrote "wink wonk". I'm assuming you meant "wink wink"...
• Shrugging doesn't seem the appropriate response from Chris after sending the letter. It should be more like him smiling evilly or grinning maliciously or something of that origin.
• You have a lot of "she groaned" and "he shrugged". It's good to have action, but you have a lot of short actions like that all beside each other. It almost seems like you have them there for the sake of having action. But without much motive or description, it falls flat. To get around this, say how her hair moved when she groaned, or how his shirt wrinkled when he shrugged.
• "Bree curled my hair and she added a brown highlighter on my hair". You don't need to specify that it was Bree that added the highlighter, we know that from how you started the sentence. Also, don't put the word "hair" in there twice, it's repetitive. You can make it flow nicer by doing something like this: "Bree curled my hair and added brown highlighter as a finishing touch".
• "The clock stroke six thirty". "Struck" not "stroke".
• You call his house huge twice. Don't use the same descriptor twice for the same thing. Talk about the style of his house, or the colour, the amount of floors, or maybe the garden out front. Also, when you say the atmosphere is getting hot, say that it gets hot when she steps inside. There's no clear sentence of her actually entering the house.
• "I took back my sorry" should be "I take back my sorry". Also, you say she recognizes him after she says that line, when it should be the other way around. Don't be afraid to put exposition before dialog.
• You say he hates it when she calls him that nickname, then he says the same thing in dialog. That's repetitive. I'd get rid of her saying that in her head and just have him saying it. Or, you could ditch both and instead of him saying he hates it have him clench his fists or something. Show don't tell!
• Watch your tenses. You have a lot of them mixed up.
• Police wouldn't arrest two teenagers for fighting, they would instead shut the party down for underage drinking.
• Again, you can have sentences before your dialog. It will provide variation for the reader and is nicer to read.
• You say her 7th great grandparents were already crazy rich—you're trying to prove how rich she is but that proves nothing. In that time her great great great... grandparents could have wasted the fortune. If you say her 7th great grandchildren were already going to be rich, then that shows us how rich she really is.