Reviewing The Future[Closed for Catch-Up]

Numinous

Book: Numinous
Author: leshworld
Review Type: Beginning

// I totally had this chapter done a few days ago and forgot to publish it 🤦‍♀️. This book has been closed so I can catch up on reviews. So sorry they're taking so long! //

Chapter One
• First sentence: it should be "a soft breeze".
• Usually I would say make your intro bold and exciting—but your hook works. It eases us into the story, letting us bask in the setting you've described. I like it.
• Second paragraph—end the sentence at "I love to drive to school in the morning". Make the reason a new sentence.
• The impact of the car crash isn't abrupt enough. A one word sentence usually does the trick. Don't tell us it happened in one long sentence. It lessens the drama. She just got hit by a car! There should be drama!
• "Skid" not "skidd".
• It should be a colon (:) not a semi-colon(;) when you're saying what the last she thing she heard was. Also it should be "the last thing she heard" not just "last thing".
• "Coursed through my body" not "course".
• You're missing small in between words here and there. Going over and reading the chapter out loud before you publish can help you not miss those.
• Either make it "was met with the most beautiful" or "met the most beautiful". Either or works, just not the way you have it.
• Your knowledge about her being a healer is cleverly slipped in, and you give us an appropriate amount of backstory in an appropriate amount of time. Good job.
• Missing a period when we first meet Matt.
• You only end dialog with a comma if you're adding a dialog tag(she said, he asked, etc.) If it's an action, like "she nodded" the dialog ends with a period.
• "He asked me" should all be lowercased, including the "he". It's a dialog tag, and still therefore part of the sentence.
• Holidays as in Christmas break? If so, shouldn't it be cold and snowy? Unless they're in some place warm... you need to clarify where they are.
• "Parked beside my car at some distance" is a very unclear statement. If it's at a distance, it's not beside her car. Are you implying he's a empty parking spots away from her, with no cars in between? If so, say it that way.
• The "or maybe he was" at the end of the paragraph talking about Aiden staring at Kia is unneeded. It's pretty clear Aiden isn't paying attention, and the "or maybe he was" just makes the sentence too long. If you still want to include it, make "or maybe he was" a separate sentence.
• When you say Kiara replies to Chloe and then describes that her friends are moving forward despite her lack of presence, it's too long. Split it up into multiple sentences.
• When there's a dialog tag, the dialog always ends with a comma. And the dialog tag is not capitalized.
• "You finally got that tattoo". Not only is that repetitive of what Chloe just said, but it sounds fake. Try something more like: "really? You've been talking about getting that for ages".
• The dialog seems stiff. People use a lot more contractions(I'll, we've, they're) in real life. Chloe and Matt especially should be using them.
• Try not to use too many substitutes for "said". Using just "said", or an action instead of a fancy dialog tag(he exclaimed, she replied, he yelled, etc.) is better.
• Instead of saying "she replied to him, sticking her tongue out" just do "she stuck her tongue out". You don't need the "replied". It makes the sentence long and just makes the readers eyes drag.
• "Finally, you now know that we don't love you" is very repetitive from what Matt just said. Don't have characters repeat what the person before them said in different words. Instead, do: "finally, you've realized it" or something like that.
• When you say the impact of her falling never came and a pair of strong arms caught her, that sentence is a run-on. End the sentence after "impact". Then in the new sentence put a comma after "palms", and change "and saved" to "saving".
• The sentence when you reveal Aiden has the same oceanic eyes is too long. End it after "oceanic blue eyes". As well, "and now I realized" sounds kinda weird, so try "and now it was clear".
• The italic sentence about her blinking and Aiden disappearing needs a question mark at the end.
• "He pulled me and". Pulled her up? Pulled her closer? Pulled her where? More elaboration please.
• Teenagers don't stomp their feet in frustration like little kids.
• "Dead in my tracks" not "dead in my track".
• "No one was there on the stairs ahead of behind me then from where he came?" Badly worded sentence. End the sentence after "behind me". The new sentence should be worded something like: "Where did he come from?"

Chapter Two
• It would be "stairs" not "stair". (First paragraph)
• "That might be the reason" not "there might be a reason". (First paragraph)
• You're forgetting the "s" at the end of a lot of words. Keep that in mind when editing.
• Sun playing hide and seek with the earth—that's really cute. I loved that metaphor.
• You don't need to say "he asked me", that was clear. Just keep it at "he arched an eyebrow".
• You forgot to capitalize her name—this is an issue—she's your main character.
• "Eyebrows drawn together" not "drew together".
• Kiara said the exact same thing as she was thinking. That's a big no-no. Either she doesn't think it and just says it, or she just thinks it and it stays in her head. Her dialog can be an extension of what she was thinking, but not the same thing. This happens when Kiara admits to Alec she's not good with small talk.
• It's "good with small talk" or "good at small talk". Not "good in small talk". Never "in".
• Dialog doesn't not end in comma unless there's a dialog tag. The teacher's sentence should end in a period. As well, the teacher's first two sentences can be adjoined into one paragraph.
• "Fleeting second" not "fleet second".
• Try not to repeat words in a sentence. When you have "him" twice in a sentence, it's irritating for the reader. You can always reword it to avoid repeating words.
• Alec is sharing waaaaay too much information for their first conversation. They barely know each other, yet he's giving his life story.
• Unless Aiden's super strong there would not be a dent in the desk.

Chapter Three
• It can't be "as usual" if Chloe's never met Alec before.
• "Making a sandwich" not "making sandwich". Make sure the "a" is there. "A sandwich".
• "Lived next door" not "live next door".
• You are missing the "d" on the end of so many words; it's not good. Like "live" and "change". You're missing a "d" at the end, which would make it past tense. Some of these need to be in past tense. You're also missing the "s" on the end of a whole bunch of words.
• When she's talking about eating and watching movies alone, that should be inner dialogue(italicized). Most people don't speak out loud to themselves.
• She's not going to start blacking out unless the hand is over her nose too, and she can't get any air. Otherwise, a hand over her mouth doesn't cause blackouts.
• Did she go unconscious for a few minutes? Or an hour? Because it seems like she almost blacked out but then actually didn't. If she actually went unconscious for awhile you need a divider between those sentences, to show a passing of time. Maybe do five asterisks in a row, or just do a dash, but it needs a paragraph divider.
• Okay, no one says "clasped my mouth" or "clasping my mouth". You would say "knocked me out" or "covered my mouth". No one actually says "clasped".
• Is Kiara seriously sneering at Aiden when she thinks he just knocked her out? She should have a bit more fear. Also, it does not seem in her personality to "sneer".
• "I'm healer and will not die easily" should be "I'm a healer and can't die easily". She's a teenage girl, not a martyr in Ancient Greece.
• Watch out for random capitals in the middle of your sentence.
• His cologne isn't "spicy" it's "spice".
• Don't write out their ages with numbers, use the words. Not "18", use "eighteen".

Chapter Four
• Missing a period after "real mature".
• "When we were children" not "child".
• Who the heck is Ashton? Am I supposed to know who this is? That was a big name drop that you just brushed off.

Chapter Five
• Her inner thoughts, that whole italicized paragraph at the beginning, is waaaay too long. That all shouldn't be italicized. Don't get me wrong, good writing, just don't italicize all of it.
• When her dad's talking about the protective wand, he shouldn't describe it. People don't describe the objects they're talking about.
• Still don't know who Ashton is and that's an issue.

Chapter Six
• Edit!

Chapter Seven
• Edit!

Chapter Eight
• Her emotions change a bit too fast to be natural.
• Edit!

Overall
• The cover gives off a cool sci-fi vibe I like it.
• Edit!!! I don't know if you edit but you should!!! I edit my chapters twice before publishing. Even going over them once can make a vast improvement to your writing. Reading it aloud could really help you to. Some of your sentences don't sound quite right, and reading them aloud shows that.
• Watch people's dialog to help make yours more natural.
• Your lore/background story is amazing and well thought out. It's obvious a great amount of thought went into it.
• Your biggest mistakes were mistakes that can be easily fixed with editing.

⭐️ Take my advice or don't, it's up to you :)

~Happy writing~