Reviewing The Future[Closed for Catch-Up]

Homecoming

Book: Homecoming
Author: @iamthesupremo
Review Type: Beginning

Prologue
• Don't italicize all of "best girlfriend in the world" because it makes it weird. Either make it a title: "and the Best Girlfriend in the World", or just italicize "best".
• Instead of "that nickname" do "a nickname". Because you haven't mentioned the nickname yet.
• "of a town for college at least—if I get to leave, that is". That sounds awkward. Try "of a town for college—that is, if I get to leave".
• When you use "apparently" in front of the paragraph about him seeing a vision of the end of the world, it makes it seem like he didn't actually have that vision.
• The part of the sentence "her own unique sense of style and foster care situation" seems to be just slapped there. Try putting a dash in front.
• Remove "being to" from after the Carrie insult.
• "To make out who's making those insults" is repetitive and not strong. Try something like "make out who's remarking those insults" or "to discern who's those making those insults".
• When you say Rose stirs the hot pot and feeds Ashley's ego, it seems tacked on to the end of the sentence. Make it a separate sentence, or in between "default sidekick" and "stirring the hot pot" put "who's best known for".
• Rose wouldn't "yelp" from an insult. She could gasp, pout, have wide eyes, but she wouldn't yelp.
• "She has no idea is looking so good on her" switch it to "she has no idea looks so good on her".
• Ditch the comma after "she replies" after Wendy says fine to dancing.
• You don't find out his name until Wendy says it, and it seems late. To put it in earlier, you could say "Logan the Psycho" in a new sentence when you talk about his nickname.
• When he swears, than looks around, and sees it's Sasha, that's three different paragraphs. It takes away from any effect in those words, and doesn't look great format-wise. Group some together in one paragraph, and put Sasha's name in the separate paragraph.
• "Can I borrow Wendy over" isn't a clear sentence. No one talks like that. If you're going for her to be not the brightest, then it's alright. But otherwise, delete the "over".
• "For a few months of having" switch the "for" for "after".
• Add comma after "on-the-sly cruel". Or else the "worse" doesn't fit in right.
• When you mention the punch is spiked, that whole sentence is awkward. End the sentence after "which he's not doing a good job of", and in a new sentence, tell us how Brent spiked the punch.
• The announcement of him being homecoming king isn't as dramatic as it should be. Explain more of the smiles, the slow motion look at the crowd to make sure it's real. Emphasize the drama.
• Move "like iron" to the same paragraph as saying they were salty and bitter.

Chapter One
• Instead of doing "weird, and lost, and hurt, and curious" delete the "and"s. Make it "weird, lost, hurt and curious". It will sound better.
• Instead of "you've been asleep for long" change it to "you've been asleep for a long time". Otherwise it sounds like you meant to say "you haven't been asleep for long".
• Then "asleep for long" would be "asleep for a long time?" But the sentence after it could stay the same.
• I know you're trying to get Alexander's mean personality across, but it doesn't come across in the dialog. You're trying to force something(in Logan's thoughts) that isn't there. Change the dialog to be harsher, and tell us how his expression was one of superiority. His next piece of dialog is perfect for his character though.
• Make "because it's not clever. Nor funny" into one sentence with a comma, just because the sentence before it is short. It also will flow better.
• When did he get into a chair? I thought he was on the ground. If he wakes up in the chair, you need to state that as soon as he wakes up.
• End the sentence at "campsite at some ruins" and start a new sentence talking about the makeshift tents. Otherwise the sentence is wayyyyy too long.
• When he's explaining why he chose Ross Thomas as his name, there's too many one sentence paragraphs. Combine some into the same paragraph.
• When he's naming liars, he says "father". That's so random it feels wrong. His father was a liar? If so, add the word "my" before father.
• Who's Lola? This is the first time you've mentioned her. You can't just drop a name and expect us to go with it. Suddenly saying "mom" is okay, because it's obviously his mom. But clarify who Lola is. A dog? A sister? A friend?