Reviewing The Future[Closed for Catch-Up]

Painted With Blood

Book: Painted With Blood
Author: @ticklinguel
Fanfiction: BTS
Review Type: Beginning

Chapter One "Yellow"
• Every story should start with a hook. Your first line is long, which almost always is a no go for beginning lines. There's also the fact that your first line doesn't quite make sense. You're using a lot of fancy words but it didn't get a clear idea across. There's a lot of symbolism without enough clarity. Try to clear up the first sentence, maybe by shortening it. Or splitting it up. Also, sometimes using plainer words is better, if it helps the reader understand.
• Your first paragraph has a lot of symbolism and it's cool, you just have a lot of run-on sentences. You can have great description in shorter sentences. Split some of those beginning sentences up.
• "He also feels he should definitely be in his bed crying to Kim no Na Wa..." I didn't write out the whole sentence, but it's a run-on. You need to give the reader a break by putting a period sooner. There's two ways you can fix this: get rid of some of the detail to shorten the sentence, or split it(probably make a new sentence where he says he's in a club).
• Dialog should not end with a comma unless there's a dialog tag. When the dialog sentence is the last in the paragraph, it should end with a period.
• The soulmate thing is very unclear. Are they soulmates by predetermined fate? Or by choice? And what does being a soulmate mean?
• You have some random spaces between paragraphs, which is especially disorienting in between dialog.
• It's not "coz" it's "cause", which is also the shortened form of "because" so it should be presented like: 'cause.
• When he takes the drink, the sentence after his dialog is a run-on. Shorten that. Also, "he scowls" isn't a dialog tag. It's an action. "He" would be capitalized, and the dialog sentence would end with a period.

❌ I stopped reviewing this story because it violated the terms of my reviews. When I accepted this review I did not realize how blatant it was. It became too "highly rated" for me, and I specified in The Outline I would not review any stories with sexual or mature themes.